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January 6, 2022

A New Year Without You.

I told myself, after we broke up the first week of last year, that I would give you one year to sort things out.

It’s been a year—365 days that went too fast.

During that year, we traveled together a few times, platonically. We continued to talk almost daily, we hung out and had dinner and watched movies, we kissed and hugged, but it never went further than that.

There were times you expressed that you still weren’t sure what the future looked like for you and for us. But yet I stood by you as you went through personal issues that have plagued you for the past few years because I knew you needed me. I was there for you to talk to, to support you, and to continue to love you—hoping and thinking you would see that we really love and care about each other, that I would always be there for you.

But it didn’t matter. You want these things from me, but you don’t want me.

I have tried. I have been patient. I have been your friend when you said it was what you needed from me. But I can’t hold on any longer because it’s slowly eating me up.

Your actions have kept me here, and your words have confused me. Keeping me around, yet keeping me at arm’s length, has hurt me, and spending time together has given me hope. But nothing has changed. We are no closer to you figuring this out than we were a year ago.

So, it is time for me to release myself from this. To allow myself to see this for what it really is. To take off the blinders I’ve been wearing and really see what’s going on. To stop only hearing the words you say that I want to hear and actually pay attention to the ones that I’ve tried so hard to ignore. To really look at you for who you are—a man who has put up a wall and is choosing to not let anyone in.

I thought I could break down those walls; I have tried for years to do so, but I can’t. Only you can—and you are choosing not to.

You will miss me, and I will miss you. But we will live without each other. We will find a way to push our memories to the back of our minds, but I know I will never forget what we once had.

My heart breaks right now, even though I know it’s what I need to do. But I will do it slowly; I can’t just cut you off, but I can’t be here for you whenever you decide you need a warm place to fall.

One year. It came and went and now it’s time to let go of the past and look toward a future without you. Knowing that all of my hopes and dreams were just that. That they never amounted to anything more—and they never will.

And so, I will walk away from you knowing my heart was in the right place and I gave everything I had.

~

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