March 28, 2022

The Relationship of Heart & Sex: How to Go from Performance to Pleasure.


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This is what a woman shared with me after we’d done some work together:

“I wanted to share this with you. As I woke up this morning with the sun on my bed, I could feel the energy moving in my body. I know it so well, but it’s often so intense that I’m a bit afraid of it and try to contain it. Today as I felt it moving, I decided to meet it with curiosity. I put my hands on my heart and my yoni, I breathed into my heart and I asked it, ‘Where do you want to go and what do you want to do?’ As I met it with that gentle, open curiosity it moved from an intense flow of energy up and down my body, spreading itself outwards throughout my whole body until my fingertips tingled. It flowed outwards in waves of delicious pleasure, gently inhabiting my whole body and expanding my yoni so that it felt as if my yoni was meeting my heart for the very first time. I’m lying here with the sun caressing my skin in a place of pure pleasure and lightness.”

And what’s so important about it is the relationship.

At best, most of us have a relationship with our genitals, men and women, that’s functional. Meaning that we’re concerned that everything works, when and the way it’s supposed to.

I say at best, because so many of us have a relationship with our sex that is disconnected, filled with judgment, anxiety, insecurity, and uncertainty, sometimes even fear. And in this relationship are elements of pain, physical and emotional.

Much of this comes from the absurd ideas we’ve been given of how our genitals should look, taste, smell, feel. How big, how tight. How they’re supposed to work and feel, how often, how much.

Much of this is fantasy; much of this has no connection with how we really are, and how we really work. Much of it is about how hard I’m supposed to be, how long I can last, how wet you are, how many orgasms we have. Much of it is not human, much of it is sanitized.

And much of it is designed to keep us anxious and insecure.

And more, most of it keeps us disconnected from our hearts.

From the heart connection so much changes.

There is healing.

There is opening.

There is expansion.

There is connection.

There is intimacy.

There is energy.

There is movement.

We go from friction sex, simply one body part rubbing against another searching for release, to connected sex.

We go from the contraction, the tension, of all the anxieties around performance and judgment, to relaxation softening and presence.

We go from performance to pleasure.

We go from an urgency and a rush to slowing into the moment.

We go from a chasing to fulfillment.

We step into possibility.

And we feel.

Sensation, emotion, energy.

We learn how our yoni and lingam want, really want, to be touched, caressed, stroked, locked, sucked.

How they really want to be penetrated, opened, how they want to penetrate.

We learn what the desire of the body is, rather than the patterned, conditioned mind expressed in a rush to release an itch to scratch.

We learn, in time, how wide our desire is, how many sensations we can feel, and how every day this is different.

We learn about subtlety, and how this is an endless journey of discovery and exploration.

And we learn about the power of connecting with our heart.

That’s where the fulfillment is.

That’s where we meet ourselves and our lovers, in our hearts.

There’s a conversation between yoni and heart, lingam and heart.

As we connect these two centers, and others in the body, we begin to hear that conversation, to listen to an inner voice.

We live in patterns, mostly subconscious, which means we do what we know, without awareness. And sex is a part of our lives that’s deeply patterned. It’s based on what we think it should be. It’s based on what we’ve done, always done. It’s based on what we think we should feel. It’s based on expectation rather than the experience of the moment.

In listening to our bodies, genitals and hearts, we hear what our desire is, now.

And we free ourselves to experience the beauty, the magic, the mystery, the pleasure of this ever-changing ocean of our sexuality.


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