April 25, 2022

A Letter to Myself I Never thought I’d Write.


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The first thing I want to say is that I love you. The second thing I want to say is that I’m sorry it took so long. You have really been through some sh*t, haven’t you? I want you to know that you didn’t deserve those awful things that happened to you, and none of it was your fault.

I’m looking back at all that you’ve been through and where you are now and I’m so proud of you. Thank you for putting in the work to put yourself back together. Thank you for not giving up when things were hard. Thank you for believing in starting over—for truly believing that happy endings really do exist.

I have seen you at your highest points. The day that Alyson was born. The first time you looked at her and your heart nearly exploded. I remember how scared you were to leave the hospital with her; how you got home and laid her down and didn’t know what to do next.

The day that Abigail was born. The first time you held her close and kissed her cheeks. All of those worries you had went right out the door, didn’t they? Of course, your heart was big enough to love two babies. Your heart grew twice its size that day. It’s been the same ever since.

I have seen you at your lowest point; crying on the bathroom floor. Crying harder than you have ever cried. Feeling absolutely worthless and useless. I remember how impossible it felt. How scared you were. How you didn’t think you would ever get out. I remember the conversations with your friends when they were encouraging you to stand up for yourself and take control. They were scared for you, weren’t they? Deep down, they didn’t think you would ever leave. But you did.

I have seen you at the most unsure moments of your life. I remember the day you finally left. I remember how it felt leaving your girls behind; how you wondered if they would hate you for leaving, worried that they would never understand that you left for them…and yourself. I remember that you left to build a better life for them. I remember how it felt knowing you would never spend another hellish night in that house.

You were so worried. A little bit relieved. And scared. Everything was upside down.

In 42 years, you have had more ups and downs than you can count. Yet, here you are; living your life the best way you can, each and every day.

I’m so proud of you and I love you so much.

I promise that this next chapter of your life is going to be beautiful and amazing and joyous. You deserve it. It’s your time now.

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