This post is offered in partnership with our friends at Dame. They’re an eco, sexy, fun company dedicated to spreading sexual pleasure and education. We’re honored to work with them. ~ ed.
Let’s hop right to it: high stress, no sex. That’s how it goes.
While it’s a natural part of life, stress can have a number of undesirable effects on the body, too; not just the mind—several of which directly affect women’s sexual arousal, function, and satisfaction. Bye-bye, mood. Hello, sexual starvation. Ugh!
It goes without saying that relationship satisfaction can be negatively affected over time when there’re ongoing difficulties with intimacy due to stress. So, how can we get past the lack of desire—the lack of arousal—and into sweet, sexual intimacy?
A Gummy a Day Keeps Cock-blocking Stress at Bay
Let’s be real. We don’t need to stress our already overwhelmed, burnt out selves by adding another task to our already too long list of not-dones.
For those of us who need help but don’t have quite enough time for a midday masturbation sesh for stress relief reasons (if you do, this toy is a fave of mine—it’s intense), there are a variety of natural vitamins and herbal ingredients that can help decrease stress as we go about our day—a number of which Dame incorporated into the formula for their Desire Gummies.
Check these clinical stats:
Pop two of these strawberry-mango flavored puppies once a day to smooth out your stress and clear the way for increased connectivity. Among the ingredients are a number of powerful adaptogens, including:
>> Ashwagandha: an adaptogen from India that’s notable for its ability to lower cortisol levels and improve mood.
>> Shatavari: balances female hormones related to depression and burnout.
>> L-theanine: reduces anxiety and stress while promoting relaxation, too.
Pro Tip: Add a little spice to this something nice by gently placing a desire gummy into their mouth and letting your finger linger on their lips. Or, move it from your mouth to theirs to get the juices flowing and the—uhh—connection established.
But what if it’s intimacy, period, that seems to be lacking (or non-existent)?
Is it stress, or is it emotional unavailability?
It isn’t just stress that’s leading us to have a loss of libido. Sometimes we or our partners either enter into relationships as emotionally unavailable people (EUPs), or fall into this state as we move toward deeper bonds.
True story: my love radar, for the longest time, seemed set to laser in on the folks who were practically blaring the chorus of M.C. Hammer’s “Can’t Touch This” into my ears.
I kept falling for EUPs until the heartbreak turned me into the EUP. Then I met my current partner.
The story is a happy one, but (full disclosure) stress sometimes zaps me of the energy to connect in meaningful ways, and his focus and intensity is sometimes driven seemingly solely into career progression. My desire for physical intimacy wanes, and his mind isn’t in a space to even want it.
I think it’s “just” stress, but it isn’t always super obvious when we’re dating someone emotionally unavailable, and that’s been my unspoken fear in my relationship—that I’d miss the signs of emotional unavailability while blaming it all on stress.
There’s (unfortunately) no magic desire gummy we can take to fix emotional unavailability, after all; it takes work. So, it’s important we know what we’re dealing with, so that we can start where we are in deepening or letting go of a heart connection.
Dame has a few bits of insight that can help us decipher whether we might need to call it off, or take a gummy to help turn us on.
5 Signs they (or you) are Emotionally Unavailable
1. They fear commitment.
Struggles with labeling a relationship, self-sabotaging that results in the ending of the relationship despite things otherwise going well, and acting in ways that force the other partner to end the relationship are all signs of a fear of commitment.
2. They struggle to make and keep plans.
EUPs tend to be more independent and unwilling to allow themselves to be involved in their partner’s life. Making excuses for planning too far into the future, especially if the planning involves a relationship milestone like spending the holidays together, might be a sign of emotional unavailability.
3. They avoid intimacy.
An EUP may avoid intimacy of all kinds, not just sexual intimacy. Spiritual, experiential, emotional, and intellectual intimacy are all real things that an EUP might avoid. That avoidance might show up in displays of perfectionism, low self-esteem, difficulty stating needs, and avoiding or not liking physical contact.
4. They are not empathetic toward you or others.
EUPs have trouble with emotions (go figure)—both processing their own and handling others’. They may have trouble dealing with sensitive situations, and could even go so far as to react with anger when someone is acting in an emotional way. If we feel unable to be vulnerable with our partner, or like our partner is not vulnerable with us, we may be dealing with emotional unavailability..
5. You don’t feel like you’re getting any closer.
One of the best ways to tell if we’re dealing with an emotionally unavailable partner is by asking ourselves if we’re any closer today than we were on our first date. Have you met any important people in their life? Have they shared their future plans, dreams, memories, or other parts of what makes them who they are with you? If we still feel like we’re on the outside looking in when it comes to getting to know our partner, we’re likely being faced with emotional unavailability.
This isn’t to say that emotional unavailability has to mean the end of a relationship. But the first step has to be that we or our partner recognize we have a problem so that it can be worked through.
What’s goin’ on in your life? In theirs?
For me, the above list of signs, when checked yes or no, reads something like a no, no, sorta, no, sorta scoring. So for me, it’s lookin’ like it’s not quite an emotional unavailability issue (phew!), and that the culprit is probably just stress (that little f*cker!).
But, damn it, I’m supposed to be 30, flirty, and throbbing. What the hell, man?
Whelp, in addition to seeking therapy, working with a life coach, or being active to release happy endorphins, it looks like I need to take desire gummies and de-stress the f out!
But what about you? Take a minute to assess.
If you didn’t find yourself or your partner in the five key signs of emotional unavailability, excellent news! It might just be stress driving you (and your privates) apart.
Whatever we’re going through in our relationships, speaking to our partner about where we feel they’re distant due to stress or legitimately being emotionally unavailable is the first step in forging a new path toward the destination we both want to reach (which, in this case, may be the bedroom).