July 29, 2022

Why we Self-Sabotage our New Relationships (& How to Stop).

New relationships are exquisite.

The excitement of spending time with someone new. The thrill of experiencing life with another. The hopefulness of falling in love.

I met someone I really liked. He was sweet, kind, and caring. We were totally into each other, and we spent a lot of time together.

We went on dinner dates, long walks along the river, and hiking through the woods.

Soon into the relationship, I saw a glimpse of what I thought might be a few red flags, so I instantly pulled away and ran as fast as I could.

When the smoke cleared from my sprint, I realized I was running away from everyone.

It made me wonder if I actually saw red flags or if I created some sort of armor around myself to keep everyone out. I couldn’t tell whether I had any real reasons to hold myself back within the relationship or if I was so in tune with weeding out the jerks.

I refused to accept less than I deserved like I had in the past. I couldn’t go through that again. I know what I want now. I know what I need now. But I wasn’t so sure that I was giving anyone a chance to even give me anything at all.

Where is the line between ending something with someone not good for us versus sabotaging something that hasn’t even had a chance to begin?

After my last heartbreak, I developed standards and expectations when it came to a new relationship. I won’t dismiss those. They are important to me. But I don’t want to push away someone potentially good for me, especially if he is worth a chance at falling in love.

I found myself terrified that I would repeat the past or fall into old habits, so at any signs of trouble, I pulled away then bailed.

I wouldn’t admit it to myself, so I kept making excuses. He just wasn’t the one. He wasn’t supposed to be in my life. We didn’t have the same goals. But I didn’t know if any of that was actually true. I didn’t stick around long enough to really find out. One wrong move on his part, and I was out.

It was like I was blaming him for all the old sh*t with someone else that was still lingering inside of me.

When we self-sabotage a relationship, we consciously or unconsciously ruin it or end it without a real cause or reason.

I’m using the past to ruin my future.

I was hurt in past relationships, so I built a wall around my heart to prevent any more hurt.

I put in time to heal from the past relationship. I got stronger, became braver, and developed an airtight plan not to allow anyone to ever hurt me again.

That plan was so damn perfect; it kept my heart safe from any damage. But it wouldn’t allow me to get to know anyone—or to possibly fall in love again.

The goal is to stay strong, keep boundaries, and not to allow anyone to hurt me yet be open and trusting for the possibility of finding love again.

We self-sabotage love for various reasons.


We are so afraid to get hurt again that we are willing to do anything to guard our tender heart. If that means to bolt at the first sign of trouble, we run and don’t look back.

Poor self-esteem.

We are still so broken and haven’t been able to fully heal. All the old hurt haunts our future relationships.

Trust issues.

We have a hard time trusting that there is anyone good left in the world. We assume that everyone is out to hurt us. We keep the wall we built around our heart in order to stay strong.

High expectations.

During our time alone, we set expectations and standards on what we want in a relationship. But sometimes those expectations are so high no one can stand up to them.

It doesn’t leave room for human error. It doesn’t allow new potential love interests to make normal human mistakes. Instead of working with this person to strengthen the relationship, we fault them for what our ex did, so we end things.

Inadequate relationship skills.

We somehow lost our way when it came to being in a relationship. We forgot that when we are dating, every relationship deserves the proper amount of time to develop, learn, and grow.

When we self-sabotage to avoid getting hurt in relationships, we withdraw from the person and the relationship as a whole.

We get defensive when we are questioned on our behaviors and actions. Instead of listening to what others are feeling about our actions, we find every excuse to relieve ourselves of any wrongdoings.

We attack our partner in order to protect ourselves and our heart. It’s easier to blame them than to admit that we are somehow contributing.

We should never sabotage a good thing because of our past.

Every new relationship deserves a chance. If we don’t give the relationship a chance, we will never have an opportunity to fall in love.

In order to keep true to our standards yet open our hearts, we need to go into a new relationship with a clean slate. Every new relationship deserves that.

It’s a new experience. It’s a new opportunity. It’s a fresh start.

We can begin each new relationship by having open communication. We will be able to talk things out—talk about our fears, situations that bother us, or past behaviors that affected us.

We need to identify our triggers. We have to examine how we feel in response to external causes. We have to look at the situation around us. What is the emotion we feel? What happened to cause the emotion?

If we understand what makes us sad, angry, or disappointed within the relationship, we will better be able to work through what is going on within the relationship.

We have to let go of fear and not be scared. Trust that we were able to put ourselves back together fully so that we can move forward with an open heart. Enjoy this new and exciting time with someone. Sometimes, we need to be fearless when it comes to love.

We should listen to our hearts. If something feels off, most likely our instincts are right. Really look at each situation with kindness and strength. We will know if we have a good reason to leave or if it’s worth staying to fight for love.

This person deserves our efforts as much as we are asking them to put in the effort. It’s not just his job to make it work. It’s everyone’s job to make it work.

We have to be willing to enter into a new relationship with excitement to spend time with someone.

We have to be willing to feel thrilled to experience life with another.

We have to be hopeful of falling in love.

We need to go into each relationship like it’s our very first relationship.

Focus on the present, not the past. Determine whether there is a solid connection. Be yourself. Enjoy the time together. Be mindful of red flags and communicate your concerns.

If this person is not for us, that is okay. We stayed true to ourselves and moved on. But at least we stepped into this relationship with a loving heart, a hopeful mind, and a beautiful soul.

We gave love a shot. And that is what it is about. A chance at falling in love. Love is f*cking worth it.

Let’s experience a new relationship exquisitely.

Be strong and fearless. Be bold and loud. Be hopeful and open-minded. Be vulnerable and optimistic.

He just may be worth it.


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