In every single grief session, the client starts off with stating where they are in their grief process using the 7 stages of grief model. I do not ask them to tell me where they are or bring up the 7 stages and this is why: The seven stages of grief are a fallacy. It was not originally designed for the griever. Kubler-Ross originally designed the seven stages for those who were terminally ill or dying. There is no clear path for the griever to move through. One day you could be feeling angry and another you could be feeling denial. As the griever you will experience all kinds of emotions AND THAT IS NORMAL. There is no linear process to grief.

Grief is also not designated to just the loss of a person. Grief and loss can be felt with an animals passing, loss of a job, moving, loss of a relationship and more. There is also traumatic grief which can be multiple things depending on the circumstance but as Dr. Joanne Cacciatore describes it, traumatic grief is always assigned to someone who has lost a child.

Let’s discuss the myths of grief as described by John W. James and Russell Friedman.

1. Don’t feel bad- Does this phrase sound familiar to you? You are a child who is crying because of whatever reason and are told “oh don’t feel bad” or “they are in a better place” or “that is nothing to cry over”. For some the statement “they are in a better place” or “we should be happy they are no longer in pain” can be helpful or damaging. I primarily associate these kinds of phrases with damaging. Why was there better place not with their family? Yes, you can be glad that your person is no longer in pain BUT ALSO this sucks and you can miss your person. Ultimately the message we are learning here is our reason for being upset should be hidden or tucked away deep inside us. But the person we are grieving or the animal we are grieving is worth every one of our tears. Cry if you want to cry be upset if you feel upset, this is normal. What is also normal is having no feelings about it one way or the other. You could feel relief or anger or regret. Again, all emotions are welcomed. Grief can be an emotional roller coaster. Meet these emotions with compassion.
2. Replace the loss- let’s say your dog died and your parent tells you, “don’t cry we can get you another one” or “at least you have another baby”, “at least you know you can get pregnant”, or “at least you still have a parent”. Replacing the loss is a myth. It does nothing for the grieving process.
3. Grieve alone- From a small age we are taught to grieve alone. In school, children can be asked to go into the hallway and cry rather than in the classroom, so it does not bother others. Thus, children learn Grief can make others uncomfortable so go hide it. As adults instead of being asked “would you like to be alone” sometimes people just assume that the griever would rather be alone. I suggest asking the griever what they would like. Even if that means sitting in silence for a while with the griever because they may not be sure of what they want in that moment. Trust me, the griever has a voice, and they can use it. Just ask them what they need. If you notice that being in the presence of grief makes you feel uncomfortable, but you still want to support them, let the griever know what you can offer as support such as sending food, helping make phone calls, etc.
4. Grief takes time- “Time heals all wounds”. By this logic if you break your arm, I could tell you to let time heal it rather than going to a doctor. Or if your tire is flat, I could give you the advice of taking a chair outside and waiting for time to fix it. Do you see how helpful this is? It is not time that heals the grief it is the tools AND time that assist you in your grieving process. These tools could include support groups, counseling, support from family and friends, giving yourself permission to feel your feelings. Another important thing to note, you will never forget. It is like an imprint. Grief is not something you get over it is something you learn to live with, but you are forever changed.
5. Be strong- Or be strong for others. Sometimes parents are told to be strong for their children or children to be strong for their siblings or parents. This is a ridiculous request. Why can’t you grieve together? It has been my experience when working with individuals and families that this way of thinking can lead to resentment and stress. I find that when families or couples grieve together it can be beautiful and so very helpful to all involved because it reassures validation for their feelings and that they are not alone.
6. Keep busy- Often I find people try to distract themselves when feeling any kind of grief by keeping busy. If you were in a pool filled with other children who were splashing, and it created big waves that were splashing in your face, and you decide to slap those waves down so it stays out of your face… what would happen? It would create bigger waves! Same thing applies to grief. If you decide to keep busy and keep slapping those feelings away, then sooner or later it will create bigger waves and you will experience grief in a place or time that could be very inconvenient. Possibly in the middle of a grocery store or a big speech. You need to feel it to heal it. By giving yourself permission to feel the grief you can often be in a position or space that feels safer to explore that grief. For those who are in the middle of work and suddenly, a huge wave of grief comes sneaking up and you cannot leave or give yourself a moment, I suggest telling yourself and your grief that you will give it a designated time after work to feel the grief. For example, telling yourself “I feel that my grief is coming up. I will allow myself to feel this tonight at 7pm”. This way you are not ignoring your feelings and you are giving yourself a designated time that shows you are responsibly taking care of yourself and your needs that cannot be ignored.

I would like to add that in my sessions I never hand someone a tissue when they are crying because this can tell the person that you are uncomfortable with their crying and need them to stop. Instead, I have boxes of tissues presented within eye sight in my office so they can grab one if they need one. If you are at someone’s home and you see that they are trying to wipe their face excessively then you can ask if they would like one or they might just tell you, they need one. Remember the griever has a voice and they can use it. Do not make any assumptions, just ask.  Ask if you can touch them, ask if they need anything, ask if they want to be left alone.

Grief is ultimately love. Your heart has been cracked wide open and you are forever changed. Give yourself some compassion and patience and hold space for your emotions.