If you’re reading this, it’s not too late.
There is still a chance to save your relationship, even if you and your partner are teetering on the brink of separating—and even if you’ve tried everything and nothing has worked.
The First Step
The first step is to understand what your partner is really craving from you, so you can begin to make the necessary changes in order to provide her with what will be deeply fulfilling for her.
Her needs—a woman deeply craves to be felt, seen, heard, experienced, and cared for in the deepest part of her being. She yearns to be met by her man in the most intimate places inside her soul. Places that don’t have words—places she, herself, may not even know exists and therefore, she likely can’t explain.
If she keeps asking more from you, it’s not about what you are doing, it’s about who you are being.
Nothing you do will fulfill this deeper craving to be met by a man with a greater depth. No fancy dinner, nice vacation, or gift will fulfill this deeper yearning in her soul.
What she is really asking from you is to show up and explore and uncover a greater depth inside of yourself, so you can show up and explore and uncover a greater depth inside of her.
On the surface, it may come off as complaining.
She starts picking apart every little thing you are or aren’t doing. She may be short-tempered with you, frustrated, or even irritated with every little detail.
You will probably feel like you can’t do anything right, or you don’t have what it takes to make her happy. This will lead to a deeper spiral of doubting yourself, and feeling inadequate, which further perpetuates the downward spiral of the couple.
Rest assured, this dynamic is just a consequence of her not feeling like her deeper needs of being felt, seen, heard, experienced, and cared for are being met.
And once you begin to understand what she really needs, you will be able to find a way to provide that for her.
The Second Step
If she is feeling the possibility of going deeper with you, it means there is something you are in denial of that is getting in the way of you connecting with her.
Likely, you have a deeper core wound that is covered by shame and embarrassment and has been too intense to face.
How this shows up for you might look like you “needing space”—like you want to be alone, or you feel overwhelmed.
You will start to distract yourself with your vices, whether that’s drinking, overworking, Netflix, social media binging, or even turning to flirting with other women or watching porn.
This avoidance mechanism is the coping tool you have developed to avoid facing these deeper painful emotions caused by your core wounds which are getting in the way of you allowing yourself to experience a more vulnerable, and unguarded connection and sexual intimacy with your partner.
If you continue to avoid the suppressed painful emotions, it will continue to cause a wedge between you and your partner.
In The Path Of Devotional Love, my wife and I call these “Intimacy Blocks.” They are the deeper emotional wounds that when avoided, cause an aversion to deeper intimacy with our partners.
If you don’t face and heal these Intimacy Blocks, the relationship will continue to drift further and further apart until you will likely be in a sexless relationship that is full of bickering, complaining, and frustration.
The Third Step
Once you realise that the problem isn’t your partner, but it’s a deeper Intimacy Block you haven’t dealt with, you can start taking the steps needed to heal and resolve the real issue.
The first thing to do here is to recognise how you are avoiding this deeper feeling.
What is your coping mechanism?
Is it using substances?
Is it the gym?
Is it work?
Is it porn?
Once you identify that, you can stop using it as a way to escape. Eliminating the coping mechanism will make you “face your demons,” so to speak, and will force the suppressed emotions into your awareness.
The second thing to do is to create some space where you can be with yourself to process these deeper feelings. Schedule a day for you to be alone, without the phone, without work, without distractions. Find some time to meditate, journal, and be in nature so you can start to be with yourself in a more intimate way.
By removing distractions and creating the space to feel, you will start to experience what you’ve been trying to escape from.
The third thing to do is feel everything.
You will be met with anger, judgment, shame, and then guilt, pain, sadness, and feelings of unworthiness or inadequacy. As you move through this cycle, you will get down to the deeper beliefs that you’ve held about yourself that might be causing the pain.
Once you process them fully through expressing the emotions—which means you will likely need to express your anger, guilt, sadness, and pain—then you will feel like there is a greater space within you to connect with your partner.
This process can be slow and painful, so the next suggestion I have is to get help from a trained professional that can help guide you through this process.
If you need support while you’re going through the process I have described above you can apply for a free 45-60 minute “Heal Your Intimacy Blocks” coaching session with us so you can get clear on what’s standing in the way of you experiencing the relationship you want to create with your partner. Find the link in our bio.
Kai & Gabriella (Founders Of The Path of Devotional Love)