Hiding has always been easy for me.
It is the way I kept safe, until I realized it was holding me as a prisoner in my own life.
Blending into the background, making sure I huddled in between people in a crowd, and never drawing attention to myself for the fear that I may be singled out, feeling like prey being hunted down—the dread was a sign of imminent danger that would make me hold my breath, close my eyes, and hope for the best.
I was terrified of the anticipation of what might happen, whether it happened or not, with the only thought being, would I be able to recover because life was that terrifying? This was my routine. I thought it was normal until normal became harder to keep up, leading me to a maladaptive state of adaption to keep the very things that were not so normal in my life.
The struggle of humanity has been and will always be exactly that, a struggle. We are wired for comfort and will repel pain. Our history, our losses, our families, and our intergenerational and collective trauma is the spiritual curriculum we are given in “earth school” to find our purpose, passion, truth, and resilience.
The imprint of our personal history dictates how we show up in our relationships, for better or worse, and just about every aspect of ourselves is seen through our lens, leaving us with glaring blind spots—because how we see ourselves is how we see our world.
Simply put, the lens of your glasses will dictate your life.
If you see love, joy, and opportunities, that will be mirrored back to you; if you see darkness, doubt, lack, and scarcity, that will be reflected in you.
As Gabor Mate states, “It all goes down in mind.”
We have come to rely so heavily on our thoughts that we believe them to be our truth. We arrange our lives and limit our lives based on what we believe, whether it is a fact or fiction. Many of us would do anything to bypass an uncomfortable feeling and have learned to discount our emotions as a sign of weakness rather than strength, keeping us from being in touch with our truth.
We adapt by severing our body from our mind and spirit, which is one of the biggest injustices of modern medicine, holding our mind and body as separate entities when the organism is whole.
Hiding was my adaption until it became my prison. There was only one way to escape that prison; I recognized that I was the common denominator in my life. Surrender is not unfamiliar to me, and I have the tenacity to get back up as often as I have fallen and shake myself off once again to do the “work” through my self-healing journey.
The path has been fraught with shame, self-hatred, searing pain, desperation, loneliness, perfectionism, disconnection, mental illness, addiction, and trauma swinging beside the severe highs and lows of my self-inquiry, only to find out that it is only me, yes me, who can change the lens of how I see the world—which will change the narrative of my story and my subconscious programming and bring what is unconscious into the consciousness to “break the habit of being myself” to examine what is in the way of me being the best version of me.
The terrified child within me was trying to protect me in my current life from a place of fear, lack, and overwhelm while exhausting herself to prove her worth.
She coped by playing small, staying hidden by fading into the veneer, and not speaking out, even though she could add tremendous value. Being seen had been historically dangerous for her until now.
The strangest thing happens on the road to self-discovery; you will stop looking out and turn the gaze inward on yourself.
The craving for something more comes from a deep place within rather than out there. You become your priority, not someone else’s. You will embrace your imperfections and feelings rather than run from them. You will know that on the other side of your fear and your feelings, you will become stronger. Gaining more peace, happiness, confidence, and freedom are signs of the healing work working.
The desire to step in the light outweighs the fear of what may happen. The light shines on my passion and power more fully. The beliefs that kept me insulated from myself have melted and disappeared while the Universe is synchronizing what is next.
The light is not luck—it is the laws of the Universe. When you decide that all your life has prepared you from this moment to choose you, not anything or anyone else, you are now your person, your most authentic essence, and there is no greater joy than that.
No matter what you believe or have experienced, you will always have another moment to choose and begin again. It starts with the present moment of consciousness, to dismantle a story that has held you prisoner for your entire life, and now you get to say, never again from this moment in time.
Own your choices, own your life.