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I was in total shock the first time I heard about fight languages.

I didn’t know they existed. I’m familiar with the five love languages and have read Gary Chapman’s book about them a few years ago. But I honestly had no idea that how I argue with my partner also had a “style.”

In this video, Jay Shetty explains that how we express our anger, concerns, or emotions says a lot about us and our partner:

 

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Like Shetty’s wife, I tend to retreat and isolate when faced with a problem—especially when it comes to relationships. Although I don’t encourage the silent treatment and I know that it hurts the other person, I’m not always able to put words together when I’m overwhelmed. Only space and alone time can help me to get myself together.

My partner, on the other hand, tends to be dismissive and sometimes avoidant. He has admitted more than once that he doesn’t feel comfortable expressing his concerns. Just like words fail me when I’m distressed, discomfort takes over his body when he’s cornered.

It goes without saying that things almost always go wrong when both partners are in silent mode. We have traded so many good days with silence when both of us could have communicated better. And trust me, talking about the problem months later is much worse than occasional blowouts. Talking about the things that have been swept under the rug holds so much resentment and hatred; you don’t want that if you’re opting for a healthy relationship.

Way before learning about the fight languages, my partner and I could sense that the way we argued was detrimental to our relationship. It has taken me years to practice (healthy) confrontation instead of retreating and he’s been working so hard on opening up and talking about what it hurts.

Although we still struggle with this, we have made progress in how we argue. Understanding how we fight has allowed us to understand what we want. As Jay Shetty says, we found that middle ground.

If you want a happier, healthier relationship, learning about your love languages is not enough. You have to learn more about your fight languages as well.

When I did this in my relationship, it has become a habit to instantly sit and talk about it. We even motivate each other to voice our thoughts so nothing stays in the dark.

If you don’t know how you fight, don’t be ashamed or scared to ask your partner. They might know more about how we argue than we do since they’re on the receiving end. Talk about how you can find your middle ground so problems don’t escalate into massive fights.

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