“It is difficult right now. It hurts. The hurt will disappear. Just hold on. Just keep going. Have faith. Believe in the bigger plan and know that even if you’re not there yet, you will get there eventually.” ~ Ruby Dahl
I lay here. I am completely alone.
It feels as if I had my face and heart planted in the mud. My inner voice screaming inside, “How could this be happening to me again?”
I am Alice from Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. It feels like I am going down the rabbit hole—except there is nothing wondrous or adventurous about it.
Really, I am just a girl who had my heart broken more times than I care to count. I have been humiliated, disappointed, and betrayed. I have been manipulated and lied to by many different men, many different times, from many walks of life.
This heart-shattering pain that I have experienced has left scars in and around my heart. I used to be the girl who can wear her heart on her sleeve. Now, I wear a suit of armor.
I used to be the girl who had faith in love. Now I question if real love even exists.
And while this pain feels like irreparable damage on my wounded heart, I look my scars straight in the eye and decide they are worth being healed. I am worth the fight.
I address my scars as not the entire part of me, but rather an extension of me. I invite them to stay only for a short time so they can be nourished and cared for with the purest form of trust and kindness that they deserve.
I apologize to them for allowing men with toxic traits to take advantage of my sensitive soul.
I remind them that I no longer need to blame myself for every single argument, bad day, or failure that occurred in my previous relationships.
I tell them I didn’t know better at the time, but now I do. I reassure them that I will never again allow my heart to be shattered by broken promises or false pretenses, and that vulnerable women especially deserve the purest and most authentic love there is.
I tell them that my suit of armor only has to be worn when needed and that I do not have to live in defense and protect mode when the right man comes along.
And then the part of me that thought she had lost all faith suddenly begins to bloom again, even for a little.
That other part of me says I can be cautious, but still vulnerable, deeply in touch with my feminine energy that is capable of loving in the warmest and nurturing way.
I can tell myself that I am now willing to wait for the right man who is deserving of that warm and nurturing love. A man who will see that my imperfections are not the total essence of me, but rather accept them as part of me. He will see those imperfections as an opportunity for growth. He will share the same values and visions as me. He will understand that the heartbreak I’ve endured, I have worked courageously and painstakingly hard to overcome. He will protect those frightened parts of me in the best way possible.
He will give me all the time that I need to once again feel safe and secure, knowing he came into my life to embrace it and to stay. And he will appreciate how special and valuable love really is.
Because the truth is that now we will see we were better off than before. Those hard lessons we had to endure, they were not in vain. And you have in fact learned how to love again. You have fallen in love with yourself, and you have made it easy for him to do the same.
And you will understand that the pain and trauma were there to serve as your toughest teacher. It held up space in your life until you were ready to love again and accept love in return.
Because this is the only love worth having.
The kind of love that not just accepts, but honors our best and worst selves. The kind of love that embraces the parts of us that have been pieced back together after they were shattered. The kind of love that leaves no room for us to ever break again after we’ve already been broken.
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