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July 1, 2023

Why We Can’t Just Wait for Life to Happen to Us

Hearted by

I keep waiting for something to happen. Anything. A glimmer of hope to guide me out of the dark corridor I find myself fumbling through.

Everyone always talks about the door that closes for another to open. But what they fail to mention is the wait in the hallway. Doors don’t just open at your will. More often than not, I find myself lost and confused in the empty corridors of my life, screaming at the heavens to show me the way.

Lately, I’ve been turning my head to the sky and asking for a sign. Just something to show me I’m on the right path. Some sort of clue.

Where is this other door?

I had crossed paths with yet another karmic relationship. Another lesson. Another door closed. Another person left imprinted in my heart and gone from my life. The same pattern is painted on another face. Only this time, I’d recognize the hands that offered me nothing and turn away. I’d choose myself. The harder choice. The better choice. Although better doesn’t always feel good.

I would be lying if I didn’t expect an immediate reward for finally walking away from what I wanted in order to get what I needed. After all, I had passed the test, right? But the universe doesn’t quite work that way. No matter how good we are, it doesn’t owe us anything. And if there is some sort of grand plan for us, it sure as hell isn’t happening on our timelines.

So here I am, crawling my way through the dark in search of a breath of fresh air as hope escapes from my lungs.

The wait could be five weeks or five years. It’s the suspense of the unknown that kills me every time. I need to know when. I need to know the time, the place, and the day when love finally arrives. When all the no’s turn to yes’ and everything I’ve ever wanted rests firmly in the palm of my hand.

The hallway is where loneliness finds me and wraps its cold hands around my heart, pouring out his name. The one I wanted the most. The words “I miss you” escape my lips and fall on the pillow where I rest my head. I must let them out so they do not tempt me and find their way to him. I made my choice. There is no crawling back down the hallway in search of the door I closed. There’s nothing there for me. And I have to remind myself of that.

The wait in the hallway seems to last forever. The seconds tick by as regret comes seeping through the cracks of the door where he and I once existed, tangled in each other’s arms. I keep trying to forget him, but his broken smile haunts my mind. I keep hoping he’ll burst through that old door to retrieve me from where I lay on the floor so he and I can exist again. Instead, I’ll lie there trying to yank him from my heart so that I can search for the next open door. So I can find what is meant for me.

Some days I’m so tired of waiting that I just want to close my eyes and fall asleep in the cold winter of my life and hope I wake to the sun’s kiss upon my cheek to find that the wait is over and I’ve made it to better days.

But the fire rages in my chest, willing me forward. If the door does not open, I will carve out the frame myself. I’ll create change by shouting into the dark until my echo vibrates through the walls and the light breaks through.

I know how to create change. I’ve done it before. It’s like throwing a pebble into a stagnant pond and watching the ripples expand. All I have to do is throw myself into the unknown. Make a move. Take a risk. Step out of my comfort zone. Get out of this damn hallway.

When one door closes, you find another fucking way. Even if it means living in a state of delusion. Believe it will happen for you even when it all seems hopeless. Believe it, even when all the doors seemed locked, and the wait in the hallway seemed endless. Do not let your hopes and dreams perish away in the transitional chapters of your life. Maybe it all works out, or maybe it doesn’t. But you’ll never find out if you lay down in the dark trying to make a deal with God. It’s okay if you don’t know how to move forward. Just start by not going back. Then get up and start again.

Whether you believe in destiny or that it all means nothing in the end – the life you want is worth fighting for. You just have to find that fucking door and see what else is out there because maybe, just maybe, it’s better than you could’ve imagined.

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