November 30, 2023

It’s Not You, it’s Me…But it’s Also You. {Poem}

It’s not you, it’s me

But it’s also you

I guess in reality it’s in our combo

Again in a jail of deep reflection 

I am not angry

Thankful only six weeks were wasted in limbo

Caught between your actions pulling me into your hearts cozy cabin

Fraught when words weren’t offered up,

I had to pull them out from your gut

Which then broke the mental rut,

And confirmed you were only one foot in

I know myself

My aspirations

My dreams

Downfalls and tendencies

Frustrated by all the time I spent in my head

Trying to figure out your feelings

Thoughts and intentions

Desperate to know all the reasons

Why you went from bringing me everywhere

Unable to break a stare in my direction

Or keep your finger from reaching into my jeans 

And under the top seam of my underwear 

To barely engaging with me in places we were previously bare

Was it something I said, or did

To extinguish the fire?

Or did I ignite something you’ve been afraid we would aspire?

My tender embrace, nurturing a taste of what we could be 

I happily held that space dancing freely in each embrace

Possible my affections made you fear I would eventually disappear

Are you avoidant?

Afraid of abandonment?

If the later is true

All that remains is my need to undo 

What was built fresh and new

And now come unglued

From you

It feels as if our shared time meant more to me than it did for you

Your indifference 

Created this dissonance

You could only muster the lackluster response

Of “I understand your perspective”

What the f*ck

Please offer me something more resonant

I too can be avoidant but your withdrawal pulls me into anxious attachment

Why can’t I simply not care?

I was vocal

I shared 

I asked 

Was vulnerable

For you to reveal

But I got little in return 

It was up to me to discern

The subtleties of your energy

Your unspoken ways to communicate

All the things unsaid

All the signs read and misread

The general confusion

Deciphering different colored flags 

Of your misrepresentation

Complicating my interpretations

My life and heart still remain open

Seeking one who is willing 

To address

That love is a mess

Of patterns and attachments

Limitations from past relations

Feeling and knowing the scars

Left behind by those unkind

You’re a coward, too chicken to jump in

So I’ll sit, wait for another date

To catch sight

Of all I bring to the table

And bravely meet the fright

Of those feelings that trigger

Freeze, fight, or flight

And are willing to stay present and awake anyway

For our hearts to grow bigger, stronger together

Even if it’s due to you

Ultimately it’s me

I won’t accept less

Than I offer, need, or confess to desire

It’s not about becoming healed

It’s about wanting to see what someone reveals

To you

And in you

Without running away, or keeping them at bay

Instead pulling them in deeper

Through the revelations of past adaptations

To discover the wonder of loves 

New adventure

I thank you for this opportunity 

To clarify where my line is drawn

I will continue to honor myself now 

And simply move on


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