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When our emotions get big, it may take us some time to properly understand and manage them.

Whether we’re afraid, angry, worried, or frustrated, learning how to calm down our nervous system takes a lot of work.

However, calming ourselves down sometimes doesn’t cut it. When I’m anxious, frustrated, or dealing with a complicated situation, the people around me play a huge role in what’s going to happen next: they either force my nervous system to shut down or they regulate it.

I’ve come to realize that having the right people around me when I’m dealing with big emotions is crucial to my well-being. Although I often say that “I’m okay,” the truth is I need undivided attention and love. The people who take care of me indirectly teach me how to take care of myself.

However, emotional support can be tricky. Oftentimes, those who desire to regulate my nervous system end up shutting it down. When they say the wrong thing at the wrong time, I feel hurt and disappointed.

When we’re dealing with complicated emotions, we often feel worse when people’s attempts to help fail. Although they help with good intentions in mind, we need to understand that there are certain types of statements and actions that add fuel to the fire.

Here’s how to show support to someone who’s struggling:

Don’t:

Give unsolicited advice. There are many cliches that we often say to people who are struggling. Things like “let it go” or “trust the process,” for example, sometimes do more harm than good. Unless the person who’s struggling asks for advice, it’s better not to offer it. Instead, practice active listening and don’t worry about saying the right thing; there’s no “right” thing to say in times of emotional crisis. Oftentimes, people with big emotions just need to blow off steam. So if you’re not willing to lend an ear, better not to be involved at all.

Fix the problem. It’s normal to want to help someone who’s struggling, but sometimes we think that we need to fix them or their life. We all see the world differently, so it’s okay to think that help means “fixing.” However, people with big emotions don’t need fixing and aren’t always looking for the right answer. They need the space and time to process what they’re feeling and going through, and you just happen to be in that space because they trust you. So instead of attempting to fix a situation, try to find another way to show your love without being invasive.

Minimize their feelings. I know how hard it can be to understand someone else’s difficult emotions. We tend to judge or invalidate their feelings because either we haven’t been there or cannot handle our own emotions. Even when we unintentionally dismiss someone else’s feelings or thoughts, the aftermath is often painful. We need to understand that all emotions matter and are valid—especially the difficult, negative ones. Think of emotional validation as a communication tool that others need in order to feel worthy, loved, and accepted.

Do:

Show empathy. Acknowledge people’s big emotions and actively listen to what they have to say. Even if you can’t relate to their experience, try to put yourself in their shoes so you can provide the expected support.

Ask how you can help. Hurt people often need someone they can trust and engage with so they can share what they really need. Asking others how we can help them promotes emotional support and genuine acts of kindness.

Stay consistent. People with big emotions need consistency. They don’t expect daily messages or calls, but they do want us to affirm that we truly care. That said, we should check on them every once in a while.

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