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A memo to the men who still don’t understand that no means no and you don’t get to interpret that any other way.

In today’s world of social media, allowing every Tom, Dick, and unqualified Harry to have a platform, the voices of stupidity have grown. The voices of misogynistic rhetoric have grown. The archaic, misguided, and dangerous belief that women are property is still insidiously seeping into our boys. The toxic and dangerous belief that as a man, you have a right to a woman, is still out there. Women are still seen as a commodity to some. Some men are tone deaf to women’s words and voices.

No means no. The word no is a whole sentence.

You just don’t want to believe it because you’ve been raised and conditioned that your needs and wants are more important than those of women. You don’t want to believe it because some grifter on social media is telling you that as a man you have a right to what you want and that includes a woman, regardless of what she wants. You don’t want to believe it because you ignorantly believe women’s every move is to attract your attention. You don’t want to believe it because you incorrectly believe you are entitled to take what you want. You don’t want to believe it because your ego is so fragile that being told no by a woman is something you can’t cope with or process. Because your knowledge comes from an unenlightened, uninformed, and backward place, and even though women are screaming from the rooftops, your inability to listen and garner any awareness keeps you repeating the same old worn-out, failed, and ugly patterns.

When she says no, she f*cking means it.

It’s not a game and any woman who partakes in a game has her own issues. Mature women don’t play games. We don’t say no when we mean yes. We don’t “play hard to get.” We don’t want to be “treated mean to keep us keen.” We don’t want you to persist like it’s some sort of cat and mouse game. Games are for children, not emotional healthy adults.

So when we say no, it means no. It doesn’t mean maybe.

We know many men cannot take rejection. We know that rejecting a man can be dangerous for us. We know that when some men are rejected, they can turn from charming to aggressive in the blink of an eye. We know that some men will persist, even after we’ve said no repeatedly. We know we need to be vigilantly aware of our surroundings when saying no because we fear what may happen.

So we try to be kind. We try to be polite. We try to be respectful. And still some men push the boundaries. Won’t accept our no. Interpret our no as not being serious. Keep persisting. Keep insisting. So we need to be more direct. We need to repeat ourselves. Sometimes we even need to be rude because…You. Refuse. To. Listen. And then you feel insulted. So you insult us. You call us a bitch. You call us fat or ugly. You call us too old. You say we’ll be forever alone. You say nobody will want us. Sometimes, you become really abusive and threatening.

All because we, as autonomous women, independent human beings, said no to you. The audacity of a grown man who thinks a woman has an obligation to accept whatever it is he is offering. No means f*cking no.

We are not complicated. We don’t confuse our no’s and yes’s. We are not setting you a challenge. We don’t want to be harassed. We don’t want to be inappropriately touched. Catcalled. Whistled at as we walk down the street. We are not there for your amusement. Pleasure. Unwanted attention. We are not there to be objectified. We didn’t dress for you. We didn’t go out in search of you. We are not waiting for you. We are not inviting you into our space. If we say no, that’s it—walk away. Respect our answer and walk away. We don’t owe you anything.

If we wanted to engage in your banter, in your flirting, in your pick up lines, we would. We would engage—it’s as simple as that. Read the room. Hear the words. Look at the body language. Understand you are not entitled to someone’s time. Attention. Kindness. You absolutely can take a chance and approach someone you’d like to meet but do so with consideration and without expectation. Do so knowing she could say no and she is allowed to say no. And if she does step away with grace.

I always find it interesting that for some men there is a disregard for boundaries when hearing no from a woman. Yet you fully understand boundaries and the word no when you don’t want something. You certainly expect your no to be heard and respected should you say it.

So why is it so hard to accept the word no from a woman? And why does it bruise your ego so badly that you become nasty or even abusive?

It’s not a complex word. It doesn’t have multiple meanings. It’s not ambiguous, yet you make it ambiguous because you like to believe there’s a secret meaning. That there’s a hidden agenda. That if you persist you will get a better outcome. Because you, for whatever reason, believe your wants, needs, and desires are far more important than respecting the word no from a woman. That if you set your sights on someone, she automatically must fall into line, because you have some unfounded thought process that you are so special that what another human being wants is irrelevant. That it’s your right to touch whatever you want. To continue to speak to whomever you want; whether they want to partake in a conversation means nothing to you. And you have the arrogance to actually think you can take whatever you want.

It really is simple. No means f*cking no. Even if it’s said with a smile. Even if it’s said politely. Even if it’s said in a friendly tone. Even if it’s said in a quiet voice. Even if she looks pretty. Even if she seems nice. She. Said. No. She’s telling you she doesn’t want to converse with you. She doesn’t want you to be in her space. She wants you to leave her alone.

And yet here we are. Women still having to try and protect themselves from the men who call themselves the “protectors.” Mind-boggling really. We are still in a space where a rape victim is judged for what she wears. How much she has had to drink. Her sexual history. Where she is questioned as to whether her “no” was really a no. Did she say it forcefully enough? Did she really mean it? Could she have really meant no if she was dressed like that, was a little drunk, and not a virgin? And even if she did say no, was it clear? If she really meant no, why didn’t she scream, run, fight harder?

It’s not our no that’s the issue. It’s the continued willful ignorance of listening and accepting our no that creates confusion and clouds the truth. It’s the continued justification that our no isn’t really a no to excuse bad and predatory behaviour that’s the issue.

It’s exhausting. And quite frankly pathetic that something so basic as our human right to express our desire to want or not want something, to say yes or no, continues to be so blatantly disregarded. Our toddlers understand the word no, why can’t you insecure men?

No means f*cking no. It doesn’t mean maybe. It doesn’t mean keep trying. It means no. No is a full sentence.

Regards,

Emotionally healthy women.

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