I was a fixer in my previous relationships.

When you’re a fixer, you’re naturally drawn to those who need mending—because you can’t fix what’s intact.

“Intact” people never caught my attention. With them, I couldn’t see myself playing a crucial role. However, with those who were emotionally unavailable or struggled with a certain fear, the act of being in love felt incredibly attractive.

Anyone who’s a fixer will know exactly what I’m talking about. The spark that ignites in our bodies when we meet a broken soul is unmatched. With joy and commitment, we rise to the occasion, knowing it’s our time to be the heroes.

Even well into marriage, the hero within me didn’t surrender. I was still trying to fix my husband…I was still trying to fix what was already complete. The problem was never my husband. Well, the truth is nobody’s perfect—myself included. The real problem was me. I was still trapped in the mindset that I had to save my partner to earn their love.

It has taken me many, many years to understand that not all flaws require fixing. And, it has taken me longer to discover that no one actually “hired” me to be their fixer. Having a fixer mentality is one of the toughest challenges most people face. It drains relationships, pushes people away, and…exhausts the fixer.

Unfortunately, the fixer doesn’t know that they have the compulsion to fix others. They wholeheartedly believe that their desire to jump in with solutions is who they are. Personally, I always thought I was just being kind and empathetic. But the ugly truth is I was absolutely unaware that my unresolved wounds were leading the way.

In my case, my self-esteem was tied to the partners who needed fixing. Because I struggled with a low self-esteem, I thought that fixing them would earn me their respect and validation. It was my subconscious way of guaranteeing their love; I wanted them to think I was irreplaceable.

Others might feel compelled to fix because deep down they want someone to fix them too. Fixers often project their own brokenness onto people and want to fix in them what they can’t heal in themselves.

In a happy marriage, the fixer mentality stops working. Couples stop connecting and indirectly create a huge gap that becomes hard to bridge. The more we think our partner is flawed, the further we drift apart. We simply build a wall instead of a bridge. Also, when we constantly try to “fix” our partner, they might start feeling inadequate, which ultimately damages their capacity to love us and makes them feel like they’re not good enough.

Partners who genuinely love each other don’t need to save each other—even when they are full of flaws. They don’t fix; they only grow and evolve. They use the past to shape the future.

I’m not a fixer anymore; I’m a learner now. I let go of my wrong assumptions and choose to see my partner with fresh eyes. There’s no saving anyone. Instead, we make space, every single day, for individuality and curiosity.

That’s exactly what makes healthy relationships stand out. Partners stop treating every conflict or flaw as an urgent life-or-death situation. We see each other’s flaws through empathy and look at the entire relationship “dynamic” instead of specific problems.

We focus on that dynamic—not on “you” or “me.” Now, there’s a mission—a certain direction we follow. Remember, your partner needs love, not help, because love is the greatest form of help.

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