A Yogi’s Guide to Finding the Man or Woman of your Dreams.

Via on Jan 16, 2011

February 14 is around the corner and don’t we all get to reflect, think about, or even hate the whole theme? Maybe there is a deeper longing underneath the reflection and emotional response.  Here are some suggestions to ponder about on the subject of finding true love from the point of view of the path of yoga:

1.-Brahmacarya

Yes, It means celibacy, and if you get the call to be a yogi in a cave that is what it is.  However, interpretations from teachers of all times point to the understanding that what is meant is that we use our sexual energy efficiently.

In this context it means that when we find a partner we make a commitment to just have sexual and emotional relations with him or her, but also, to be truthful before then, even while on the search for a partner.

It means that we do not stay with someone we are dating just because of perceived personal gain or after seeing clear red-alert kinds of signals, or because of money, status, or anything else other than because real trust, support, and the possibility of love is present.

It means we get honest about being in a true relationship, we come clean about our deep desire to share life with someone who loves us and we love, it means we take a very grown-up step and accept responsibility for the power of our sexual energy, then decide to share it with one person only, in the context of love, exclusiveness, growth, dedication to God, and respect.

2.-Efficiency of resources

Sexual energy is our vital force, it is the power that can create life.  A yogi recognizes this and uses it for the purpose of advancing on the spiritual path.  This does not mean it gets to be hidden in a cave, on the contrary, yogis are encouraged to live in the world and have homes.

And if you look at all the great yogis of our times like B.K.S. Iyengar, the late K.P. Jois,  A. Mohan, Richard Freeman, R. Sharath Jois, R. Saraswathi, Dharma Mitra, all the talented yoga teachers who share their wisdom right here in Elephant, etc, they are all householders, they live in the real world, in cities, teaching yoga, with business to run, with families.

Marianne Williamson says:  “we don’t enter the kingdom of heaven alone, we go in pairs“.  It is through relationships that we learn the biggest and most important lessons in life. Only by having a close mirror, a direct feedback system that we can we identify our blind spots, our areas that need growth, nourishing, insight and change.

3.- Getting clear about what we want

Example: “I want a man/woman that has a good heart, sexy muscles, does yoga, can speak French, is taller than me, loves to talk  about spirit and do yoga, is ambitious, a good listener, always speaks the truth, loves me for exactly who I am, is generous and enjoys travel and popcorn during movies.  I want a solid real relationship, based on truth and love, based on both of us wanting the other to grow, and to be happy“.

  • Go ahead, write your own version but do write it down and get very specific.  Many people discard this step and file it under the category of “stupid”.  Big mistake, consider Alice story’s moral:

One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. Which road do I take? she asked. Where do you want to go? was his response. I don’t know, Alice answered. Then, said the cat, it doesn’t matter

  • Some SAY they want a relationship, but by not articulating exactly what they want, they fail to notice that what they really want is “drama”, they feel invisible and so they create complicated situations with unavailable people so that they sound interesting. How do I know? because I did that for years! until I got some level of clarity.

4.- Intend, detach, and trust

A Yogi recognizes the power of intention.  Once the intention is clear it is important to release it so that the universe can fold itself in magical ways and act as a catalyst to attract exactly that which you say you want, provided of course, you are detached and open to all possibilities.

We never know exactly how things will happen, the twists and turns the universe will conjure to bring about the intended result, nobody does, and that is not up to you or me, that is up to destiny.

5.- Clean Vocabulary

I find that people dismiss this quickly, so much so that I began to suspect it is a very well-kept secret. When somebody wants to manifest a new and healthy relationship in their lives keeping the vocabulary clean (no curse words, no negativity), is key.

 

  • If you keep saying: “I am too old and nobody will ever want me”, or “I have a lousy job, who will want to date me?, then that is what you are putting out and that is what you will get.
  • Train yourself to say things like “I am open to the right man or woman to come into my life” “There is an abundance of men and the right one is attracted to me”
  • Be careful of the word “no” or “don’t”.  When you say “I don’t want a bad man” the universe will bring you a “bad man”, that is where the focus goes…  phrase things in the positive “I want a good man”
  • Forget naysayers.  They are in the majority because it makes better silence fillers and have not read this article yet.  That is OK, maybe they are not ready to hear it, maybe they prefer drama, bless them and continue on your path to finding love.

Note that I am not advocating denial, sometimes things are difficult, i.e.: if you are a woman living in an island isolated where there is only one man and he is happily married and the rest of the population is all women. I am exaggerating but you get my point.

Keeping it real is also important, the key is to find the right balance in your perspective.

6.- Aligning body mind and spirit

To attract the coolest man in the world the best recipe is to become the coolest woman in the world.

Do you feel good? are you eating healthy? are you practicing your yoga or you running or your whatever it is that makes you happy? Do you already reflect the happy person you want to be?

If you would like a generous sexy partner, start by becoming that yourself.  Take care of you first.

7.- Socializing

I am surprised when I hear men ask where can they meet women.  Easy! yoga classes, tango classes. As per women, there are plenty of places too: salsa classes, tango classes, chess clubs, meetups.

Thinking that “there are no men/women out there” is not true. There are plenty of good men looking for good women and the same applies the other way around.

It is important to keep the social life active, take that salsa class, go to that tango practice.  Find a Meetup.com that enjoys talking about sustainability or whatever it is that tickles your fancy.

Dating sites can work too, (they worked for me) but for dating sites to be effective all other steps must be very much in place because of the nature of the introductions, i.e.: both parties come in expecting a “date” rather than casually meeting.

8.- The “one hour cup of tea” rule

When I was dating I had a one hour cup of tea rule.  This was effective because it allowed me enough time to share a conversation with no strings attached (i.e.: nobody had to pay for an expensive dinner), and, most importantly, it came with a clear exit strategy.

If the chemistry was not there, then one hour was not a long time and nobody’s feelings got hurt.  If it did work out it provided a safe container in which to talk and make plans for a future date.

Through this method I met many men over coffee, tea, hot chocolate and, once, bubble tea. Whenever they offered to go for dinner I kindly declined, even if I liked them.  This gave me the buffer of time of another date, a little time to settle in, and to check the following things:

  • How did I feel?
  • Did I change my behavior to try to please?
  • Did I exaggerate to make myself sound more interesting?
  • Did I lie?
  • Did I like the person I became in front of this man?
  • Did I already start planning the wedding at hello?
  • or was I able to remain in the moment and really see who was there?
  • Where there silences in the conversation or did I rush to fill every bit of possibility for it?
  • Did he want to know how much money I make right away? or was he interested in ME?
  • Did he pay attention?
  • Did he offer to pay for the tea?
  • Do I feel like I can trust him?
  • Were there awkward silences here and there?

The way of the yogi is the way of self-reflection.  Yoga happens as we learn of our habitual patterns and perform the most magical alchemy of all, that of transforming ourselves.

9.-No bed for 13 dates

Bed must be handled with care (see #1 above). It is important to get to know the person before the sexual communication begins because sex tends to color things, make it all strange, a little disorienting, and “the right man will wait”, if he does not want to, then he is simply not the right man. You can read that again, it was the best advise my friend Michele ever gave me.

Many women feel they need to get in bed to hold on to a man. I know because when I was younger I felt that way too and in my case this reflected insecurity, a thinking that perhaps I was not good enough and so I had to jump through steps quickly to keep things interesting.  I was mistaken.

The reality is that what is more intimate is to open up slowly, to let him discover you, share stories, laugher, walks, get to know the other person, become best friends. The sex part will take care of itself.

The other side of the coin of this topic is manipulation by withholding.  just like in every yoga pose, in life, and in dating, a balance needs to be what we strive for.

And yes I know many people may disagree with this 13 date wait time. Is the number arbitrary? Yes. You can make up your own, just make sure it works.

10.-Community support

I cried so many times over perceived broken hearts and unavailable men in the past that one day I decided I wanted to learn what I was doing wrong.

I realized that I had an “addiction to love” because I always ended up not just in “love” but “obsessed” with men that were unavailable.  I was into “intrigue” and “drama” not into finding love. So I attended support group meetings.

The important thing about these meetings for me is that I built a community of support through them.  At any given time I had 10 people I could call and run a “reality check” see if I was trying to please, if I was forgetting about what I wanted, if I was acting out.

11.-Keeping the life you have

Ensure to keep your own life going when you are dating, do not stop going to yoga or doing the activities that bring you joy.  Remember you will not be building a life together for a while, becoming two is a transitional work, it takes time, and the slower and most awkward the better!

Becoming two is like learning a new pose, it needs time, space, nurturing, practicing, flexibility…

12.- It’s work!

You are on the search for the relationship of your life, for your partner, so it is a good idea to consider it a serious assignment.  It is a good suggestion to schedule things, approach it with care.

It is true that it takes energy but the payoff is beautiful, rewarding, loving, amazing.

As with every endeavor worth striving for, we must begin with learning to love ourselves, it is in our own self esteem that we project the energy that attracts wonderful things, life experiences, and people into our lives. If you enjoyed reading this, consider looking at these 32 unusual ways to love ourselves.

About Claudia Azula Altucher

Claudia Azula Altucher has studied yoga for a long time. Her only focus these past eight years has been on Ashtanga through which she studied at the Ashtanga Yoga Research Institute in Mysore, India (three study visits so far), and at Centered Yoga in Thailand (focus on practice, philosophy and pranayama). Currently she studies at Pure Yoga in NYC. She has taught yoga classes in both Spanish and English. She is also the Author of: 21 Things To Know Before Starting an Ashtanga Yoga Practice (you can get a free PDF at her blog). She writes daily at ClaudiaYoga.com And you can follow her on Twitter: www.twitter.com/ClaudiaYoga

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60 Responses to “A Yogi’s Guide to Finding the Man or Woman of your Dreams.”

  1. Thank you for this article and the great advice! I especially like the "reality check" questions and will use them as I continue my journey! I'm curious about the "did he offer to pay for tea" question though – why does that matter / what would that mean to you?

    • Good question, I guess I am a little old fashion and find that at least for the first date it is good to go with the galantries of old times. Besides it makes me feel cared for. Of course further arrangements can be made for other dates, but the first one is special. Oh, and also, it is just a cup of tea… :-)

      • John says:

        Likewise, I am a old fashioned man. However, Romeo didn't take Juliet out to a coffee shop and buy her things, neither did Mr. Darcy do such things for Elizabeth Bennet. Instead, those lovers met at public gatherings, or entertained at home chatting in the parlor, playing instruments, reading, etc

        For at least for the first date, it is good to go with such gallantries of old times. As such, I recommend meeting in a nice public park, finding a nice bench, and breaking out a thermos of hot water, some tea bags, and a couple of cups. Of course, keeping with the old fashioned theme, the woman is the one who should prepare and bring that picnic basket. Besides it makes me feel cared for when a women cooks for me. The right woman always understands and is willing to comply. Of course further arrangements can be made for other dates, but the first one is special. Oh, and also, it is just a cup of tea… If the chemistry is not there, one cup of tea can be drunk quickly enough and the women didn't go to much more trouble than putting a kettle to boil.

  2. Andrew says:

    13 dates???

  3. Kim Stetz says:

    thanks, Claudia. I am 42 and have been in the dating world what seems like my whole life. I have been blessed with deep love a few times along the way and I have no doubt that I will feel this love again. Yoga has been in my life for 18 years and I am very grateful. Probably my most committed relationship. I find that I view sex in the more open spirited way and yes, a connection is needed for sure. There is so much to write about this, perhaps I will. Thanks for your thoughts. I shared it on FB.

    • Thank you Kim, and I agree with you, there is SO MUCH, if you do write, let me know, I would like to know your thoughts too :-)

    • Michelle says:

      Kim! I really enjoying the articles that you've posted here. Would love for you to write on this topic. Have you ever thought of writing about your dating experiences in a way that would incorporate the sexual with the spiritual? You'd have an audience in me. You're a great writer. Namaste & Blessings.

  4. Anita says:

    Wow! Great article! I am on the path to finding true love and looking within to make sure I am whole before I find a counterpart, so this was the perfect article for me to read. Thank you.

    Admittedly, in the past I have given myself sexually way too freely and I am really striving to change that. Honestly though, for me, it was more about personally wanting sex than it was to hold onto a man. I'm still a bit foggy on that one, but regardless, I am working on semi-celibacy.

    I do have a question about the 13 dates rule (I know it's arbitrary), but how do you handle that when it comes up in conversation? I am someone who thinks way too much about what-ifs and I really would like to know how you handle questions like, "where is this going?" or questions about why there hasn't been any sexual activity, seeing as how a man may never have had to wait that long in his life for sex and might think it is just a friendship. How do you address that?

    and yes, I guess in that question a part of me is concerned about keeping him interested… ha!

    • Yes , good point, a good conversation starter could be, and this is just a suggestion, to say that you would like to get to know the person, to see if there is real chemistry, see if it is real, confess right of the start that you are looking for the real thing, own it… the right man always understands and is willing to comply… Then there are lots of suggestions for things to do other than meeting in an apartment… movies, cups of tea, salsa classes (those are fun), meetups, ways to share that are healthy, different, and that reveal the most intimate part, that of being together as a couple, before the sex comes in. They say that the most sexual member in a man is the brain, so conversation may be a good thing to have…. Good luck!

      • John says:

        Your examples are mostly examples of shared consumption and forms of pleasure seeking. I'd recommend instead a 'date' where you both volunteer to work together at the local animal shelter, or a similar labor intensive charity like a soup kitchen, etc.

        The fact that a woman wants to indulge in the emotional pleasure of chatting my ear off as if I'm one of her girlfriends doesn't tell me much about what sort of potential she has for "something real". On the other hand, her ability to work by my side, forgoing pleasures and enduring some real discomforts, in order to help out the less fortunate would speak volumes about what sort of life partner she could be.

    • Kim Stetz says:

      Anita – I was thinking along the same lines of you in regards to personally wanting sex and nothing to do with holding on to a man or in some cases, the thought process, I can so why not? I like what Claudia has to say about being truthful with what you want. Rewrite your "i would like list". I did.

  5. Reader says:

    So many things about this that I love. Great reminders! I'm not looking for a relationship right now and am perfectly happy with that. I'm enjoying the relationship I'm having with myself! Which, I believe, is cultivating many of your points above for when I do meet someone: keeping my own life, no drama, not changing my behavior to please… but still being open to new things, knowing myself well enough to change my mind, and always keeping my heart open no matter what. It is hard work and amazingly worth it! Thanks for your article.

    • Thank you for sharing these thoughts Reader, and sounds like you are in a great place, work and all… I agree with you, it is important to keep our own life, no drama… yes

  6. nathan says:

    Lots of good stuff here. Patience and openness are really keys in my opinion, no matter what else you choose to do. I'm a little wary of #5. Replacing negative thoughts with positive ones can lead to more frustration and disappointment, especially if it "doesn't seem to be working" after 6 months, a year, two years.

    Seems to me that doing the clarity work in #3, combined with cultivating an openness to having such a person enter your life, is more in line with yogic teachings. Specifically, it brings together intentions with not knowing and letting go of expectations about both the person you want in your life, but also who you think "you should be."

    If I'm stuck in thinking like "no one will want you" – and I've been there plenty of times – the only thing that really breaks that down is to pay close attention to those thoughts, and let them go. Replacing them with positive statements – in my experience – tends to create more tension. I end up wanting to be the person who believes he is lovable, instead of being the person who sometimes has thoughts about not being lovable.

    • Nathan, great insights. As per the positive thoughts I am weary of them too, that is why I put the sentence of no denial either, but I guess you explain it better, I appreciate you sharing.

      And yes, the paying close attention to the thoughts then letting them go, or remaining in equanimity is key, good point.

  7. Robert says:

    Number 6 is the deal. Fashion your life into the form that puts a smile on your face, that makes your soul shine.
    As a man, there is nothing more attractive and more sexy than a woman who is in possession of her own life; guards it, treasures it and nurtures it.
    Women ( and Men) who don't respect their own life, haven't devoted attention to their own fullfillment, often have an air of need that pushes away the balanced ones, and yet magnetizes in the similarly unfullfilled. I think number 6 is the key. Thank you, Claudia : )

  8. davanee says:

    OMG you cant be serious?! Research Polyamory plz and thanQ

    • Davenee not sure what you mean

    • quilless says:

      It seems to me that this article is very much applicable to poly, especially solo poly people, but even those with current partner(s). I did notice it is written from a heteronormative perspective, but the advice therein is well-rounded and practical, and put forth in a way that is easy to digest and set into motion.

  9. johnfossella says:

    #8 is so simple, elegant and brilliant. I'm married and just spoke to my wife – so instead of going out to the movies or dinner, we're going to start 1-hour tea "dates" so we can just be with each other – no distractions – I can't wait.

  10. John, I love that, thanks for telling me, I guess it is a good rule for "after meeting the right one" too :-) thank you for commenting.

  11. nathan says:

    John, that's a great idea. I'll have to remember it.

  12. georgia says:

    i love this! it's so clear and flexible. with a little bending it fits to finding the job / yoga class / meditation style / forest walk of your dreams. your words have helped settle some ideas in my head.
    here's to greater clarity!
    thanks, g

  13. Thank you Georgia, I appreciate your kind words and that it helps :-)

  14. Claudia this is so helpful, and where I am right now thinking about how as a yogini do you find a partner? Online? Where how, what do you write, how fast do you go etc. 13 dates seems like a long long time, but as you said it's more about setting a guideline for yourself. While I"m looking I kept blogging and my search led me to think of the title 5 Reasons Meditation is Better than Sex I admit my dating saga prompted the title! Namaste,

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  16. Beth says:

    That's great advice! My only advice would be to take out the references to yogi's because those people who do not label themselves as yogi's might tune this valuable information out and this is good advice for EVERYBODY! Thank you!

    • Beth, I hear you, your point is valid, this advise is general, however I look at everything from the path of yoga because I believe everything to be yoga…:-) thanks for your comment

  17. Kala says:

    Claudia quick comment, you should put a away ot contact you directly on your blog or here. What is someone wants to hire you or something fab like that, they'd have to put it like in a comment or something.

    • Kala, I appreciate your faith in me :-) I have my info in the about me page of my blog, I hope if suck a situation would present that they will find it there :-) I appreciate your comment

  18. Audrey says:

    "To attract the coolest man in the world the best recipe is to become the coolest woman in the world." So true! Thank you for this wonderful article!

    • Aurdrey, wish I could claim it but I think I heard Marianne Williamson saying that, and yes, although perhaps I paraphrased or changed it a little because when I heard it, it rung so true with me that I remembered it forever…. thank you for your comment :-)

    • Audrey, I had posted a comment and for some reason it disappeared, sometimes that happens to me, sorry if you get it twice. I wanted to say that I wish the quote was mine but I think I heard Marianne Williamson say that, although I may have change the wording a little, thing is when I heard it it rang SO true, that I always think about it. Thanks for your comment

  19. yoga expert says:

    Hi

    nice and effective blog. I specially liked the part of writing down the exact details of what I am looking in our partner so that I am very much clear in my mind regarding the man I decide to spend the rest of my life.

    The other lovely point is the way beautifully you connected this with yoga which helps in gaining that clarity and peace of mind.
    you are simply a fab writer…must say!!

  20. Thank you yoga expert, I appreciate your compliment… and yes I do think yoga helps in very practical ways with very practical things… glad you liked the connection

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  31. Jenn says:

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  32. Heather says:

    I really enjoyed this article, and I was wondering if in the future it is possible to write from a more inclusive position. The article begins balanced yet slips quickly in to heterosexism and additionally assumes the reader is female. This only reinforces stereotypes. As an ally, I appreciate when a writer is able to recognize that there are many ways to pair up. And as a mother of males I want them to know this type of advice is for them too. Thank you for writing this. Namaste.

  33. Alex says:

    Excellent advice! As someone who, in the past year, got a divorce and instantly jumped into a rebound relationship (it’s over now), I will be sure to heed this when I feel ready to dive into the ocean of dating again. Thank you!

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