12 Ways to Deal With A Toxic Family/Family Member.
Photo credit: Flickr Commons/ By melissa_dawn
Breaking up with a friend, boyfriend or girlfriend is one thing and there’s a lot of advice out there for doing it, but what about a family break-up?
Most of us are not in a position to “just leave” nor do we feel we want to, or that it’s the right thing to do. So what do we do when a toxic family member (or members) is literally ruining out lives? How do we deal with the feeling of obligation, guilt, confusion and heartache?
It is important to note that not everyone’s family is there for them to lean on, to call on or to go home to. Not every family is built on the premise of interconnectedness, support and stability. Sometimes family simply means that you share a bloodline. That’s all. Some families build you up and some suck your energy dry.
There are relationships and friendships that just aren’t fixable—this includes family. There are situations that you can endure for only so long before you’ve grown them. There may come a crucial a time when you have to separate yourself from your family in order to do what is best for you and possibly for them.
In many respects, the way we were treated by our family ends up being the same treatment we offer the world.
Often times the signal and energy we put out into the world is similar to or exactly what we have experienced by others. And for most of us, this influential force has been our family. Think about it. Think about just how much the interaction, or lack there of, from our family, sets the tone for the quality of energy we give off during our lifetime.
What is unacceptable treatment?
Rejection, abandonment, not taking the time to get to know you or to be in your life, making you feel unwelcome, someone being competitive or hypercritical of you, pressuring or forcing you to be someone you are not, blaming, ostracizing, manipulating, belittling, neglecting and abusing you…the list goes on and on and on. These types of experiences can make a deep imprint on our hearts and inhibit our ability to react without them being present in the back of our mind’s. Our reactions to life become sceptical, doubtful, fearful and we more often see the dark instead of the light in both people and situations.
These negative experiences can jade us for a lifetime, unless we learn to do whatever it takes to get ourselves into a positive nurturing environment and replace negatively influenced reactions with positive ones.
What are the signs indicating that you could use a break or change?
-Your own health and mental well-being is damaged
-You feel emotionally, physically and/or spiritually injured
-The relationships with your immediate family/spouse/partner is suffering
-There is violence, physical and/or emotional abuse
-There is substance abuse
-There are constant struggles for power
-There is unnecessary distrust and disrespect
What to do, how to get out…
1. Get group help. If it’s possible and your family/family member is up for it, get counselling.
2. If it’s possible move out. Move in with a friend, your partner, an extended family member. Get to a place where people want to be with you, try to move into a nurturing environment.
3. Accept your parents or family member’s limitations. Know that you don’t have to repeat their behaviour. You are not them.
4. Allow yourself to get angry. Use it productively. Exercise. Do sports. Use art and creative expression. Write in a journal. Don’t withhold your emotions.
5. Seek guidance for yourself. Talk to someone, a counsellor, a life coach, your yoga teacher—anyone who will listen, someone you feel comfortable with. Ask for help with change and with taking risks.
6. Limit your time. Do whatever it takes to limit the amount of time you have to spend with the toxic family/family member. Limit visits, holidays, do what you can to prevent as much conflict as possible.
7. Set healthy boundaries. Try to not allow yourself to get sucked back in. You can love and wish them the best from a distance.
8. Learn ways to protect yourself. Practice meditation. Learn to be patient with yourself and others.
9. Become aware of yourself. Observe your reactions. Become more self-aware in order to break negative patterns as much as you can.
10. Practice doing good things for yourself. Do things that build self-esteem. Do things you enjoy. Invite others that love you along.
11. Create balance in your life. Take care of yourself physically and eat a balanced healthy diet. Be aware and be cautious of things you may do compulsively (eating, shopping, drinking, etc)
12. Take charge of your life and your happiness. Don’t wait for others to give it to you.
Is it wrong to hold grudges (is life too short)?
Have you experienced a family break up?
Do you have any suggestions?
Incorrect source, offensive, or found a typo? Or do you want to write for Elephant?
I love you my sweet girl. Unfortunately you have unlimited expertize on this one. I love you to the moon and you are always in my heart!
Love you, home base. 4-eva. xoxoxoxo
Yes. I know this to be true.
Hear ya, Roo.
Thanks for being here.
thank you for this timely article…story of my life.
You're not alone sister.
Sending some love. xoxo
I am going through a family breakup right now – I think. The emotional see-sawing back-and-forth has been the most draining. Thank you for a much-needed article.
You are welcome and I'm sending you a ton of strength. You can get through this. Do what's best for you! xoxo
I was just having this conversation with my husband over morning coffee. How to we deal with the negative, disrespectful and overly critical siblings that constantly drag us into their blackhole. One breathe at a time! Thank you for this piece….perfect timing. Namaste.
Hey Melody. It's a tough one, isn't it?! Trust your instincts and do what you have to do!! Yes, one breath at a time. Thanks for being here. xoxo
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I was on Skype talking with my girlfriend about the chat I had the morning before with my mother and this article pop up on my laptop. I know that my parents and some of my brothers are toxic and even knowing that after more than 5 yrs of treatment, sometimes I find myself still in anger and with an armor when I chat with them. I know that I’m not going to change them and try to accept it but some stuffs still hurt. Nice to read an article like this. Fully identified. Thank you
Thank you for sharing, Javi. I know what you mean about the anger bit – it's hard to deal with, but having clear boundaries has worked for me. Thank you for being here.
This piece is stocked full of excellent, thoughtful advice. I have been here and done this. I am thankful and blessed to have moved through each of the 12 steps you suggest here, and still feel saddened at times that every single thing on the list of "things to indicate" can apply to more than one member of my family. The great part is that having left those relationships behind, my relationships (including those with 'non-toxic' family) are better, stronger, more loving and joyful. I hope people struggling with toxic family and the decision to limit contact with them can find your article- maybe it will help them to move through this part of their lives with greater ease.
Thank you for taking the time to share this, Rebecca. It is really sad, but like you say, when you remove yourself from a toxic situation, the consequences are so much more positive than staying. It's like that saying sort of goes…accept the things you can change, accept thing the things you cannot.
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Thanks for sharing. I've been struggling for 29 years with 3 toxic family members (everyone in my immediate family). I'm just now taking the steps to remove myself from this toxic situation. I struggle with not allowing them to make me feel like I am a bad person for being true to myself. Thanks for sharing your experience. I think those 12 steps will help a lot.
[...] 12 Ways to Deal With A Toxic Family Share this:PrintEmailFacebookDigg Posted by Shock Girl on Oct 14, 2012 in Not Otherwise Specified | 0 comments [...]
I have woken up this morning looking for advice on toxic relationships with family members. I am so pleased to read this post as we are all too well aware the subject is normally taboo. My story is of two siblings in a very small family. They have throughout my life ganged up on me with emotional abuse and sabotage and my desire to better my life and future. They have deliberately stopped talking to me after the death of my parents to make me feel I am the bad person. This has always been a control tool. I have decided this time not to go back and try and repair the relationship, they left me alone to deal with the clearance of my parents property and all the financial but where quite happy to take thier equal share. I have a very good life which I have worked hard for and that is always a source of jelousy for them both. Their lives have definately not turned out well. I am now taking control of my life and concentrating on my immediate family. I now see I am not bound to put up with emotionally abusive behaviour for the rest of my life. This will be done by distancing myself and realising its not my job in this life to change them. Its thier Karma not mine. Love and light X
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Unfortunately, my toxic family has played a big part in a rift between me and my oldest son. I pray everyday to be able to forgive them. It’s so hard. He blames me for everything because he doesn’t know the truth and if I would try to tell him everything they’ve done, he won’t believe me because he knows I hate them so much.
I needed to stumble over this today… thank you for existing. Suddenly I feel understood.
Actually mate I am so pleased and can say that it would come to help us more in the future. Thanks for the share.
<3
I've made successful exits from two toxic family member relationships. I still have one that needs addressing and I think I've been putting it off for a long time. I hope I can find the strength to let go of it as I have the others.
Thanks girl!