My body has stopped me from being able to do anything but listen to its only voice. Its voice is pain. Painful pins that encompass all it is trying to tell you. But what is it trying to say?
Just as every dog lover wishes to be able to understand their moaning pet, I wish that I could translate what my body is trying to tell me. As I sit here my feet are tingling, I wonder why this circulation is being called to my attention.
I have done everything you have asked me to dear body. I have rested for months, I have let you heal and I have given up so much that I love. I have embraced this dark time and am so ready to return to light. What will it take to step into the sunlight and feel the heat? I have surrendered to my body, I have surrendered to my spine, and I am waiting for the sign to begin again.
During this time of healing I have been given many gifts. Without these I could have crumbled. I was set free from the job that was weighing me down. My pain was too great to endure this weight. The first few jobs I turned down were torture. My mind wanted them but my body told me otherwise. Eventually these two opposing forces became one. Together they will make me stronger. My mind is not on a mission of its own. It is working to heal.
The mind might be the most challenging part to overcome but the heart is what helps you work through it.
I went from feeling on top of the world to buried beneath the sand in what felt like an instant. It wasn’t until my mind surrendered that I could feel this heartache. Most people think heartache is just from love and relationships, but what about physical pain?
It touches so deep because it’s living inside us. There’s an ache in my back that travels up my spine, and my nerve, and into my brain. It is the reason for headaches and nausea and it is the cause of this fractured heart. When all the energy and life force is depleted, the heart feels crushed. The gift that has been given to my heart during this time was love.
Love helps this heart heal like nothing else can. Kind words from friends and strangers and wishful thoughts are the glue to put the pieces back together. Big hugs and holding the hand of the one who loves me, gives me peace and strength to get through one day after another.
Times like this reminded me of the people that can be counted on and the ones that understand me most. They will stick by, knowing that tomorrow will be better and remind us so when it is needed.
This voice that was hidden beneath all this has been set free. Somewhere in the midst of agony I was reminded that I’m still in here. For the body and the mind that were living without me somehow caught up to me and slowed me down.
I’m in here and waiting for the day when I can be in here without the pain. How great it will be to love with my whole heart and to be free. To walk each day without all that weight pushing down, lightness will encompass me from this point on. Lightness and weightlessness will be my mantras, for this life should be free from all things heavy and free to live. And when the heavy and the weight surround us, that is the time to believe most in the light and be surrounded by it.
I ask my body again what are you trying to tell me?
Editor: Hayley Samuelson.
Ashley Carpenter works in Los Angeles in Film and Television as a Camera Assistant and Operator. She lives in Sun Valley and discovered yoga at Yoga Blend in Burbank. When she’s not on a TV or movie set, she’s taking a class or hiking with my dog Bojangles.
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July’s Full Moon in Capricorn: The Heart wants what it Wants. The 4 Stages of a Good Divorce. Our Soulmates are Rarely Who We Expect. A Letter to my Children: You do not come from a Broken Home. Men, Let’s Stop Fooling Ourselves: Size Matters. To the One Who Tried to Break Me. An Open Letter to the Fixers. Mom, can I Call her Mom, Too? How your Stored Memories in the Amygdala can lead to PTSD. Jon Stewart makes first appearance since retiring—”it’s not your country.”