Sexual Jealousy: The Alchemy of Fury and Love. ~ Dawn Cartwright

Via on May 25, 2012
Photo: Michael Julian Berz

Hell Hath No Fury…

It was the climax of the weekend workshop I was teaching.

Sunday, late morning, in the wave of bliss meditation, my lover partnered with a beautiful dancer, a good friend of mine while I prepared the group for the journey into surrender.

My attitudes with my lover, with men at that time, were strained and tight. In this particular man I saw an inability to be present and a childish need to talk incessantly about his plans. I was resentful, guarded and irritable. He was confused, anxious and nearly beaten down.

The couples created the spaces in which they would practice the meditation, arranging soft pillows and colorful fabrics, lighting candles, chanting, dancing and singing. The excitement was palpable, a psychedelic mist that filled the room as sultry rhythms of exotic music began to carry us, myself included, into the complex textures and no-mind surges of sexual attraction.

Greeting one another namastethe pairs throughout the room began to hone their focus to the beloved before them. Fully clothed, yet naked to the core, each was invited to see this man, this woman, as all of existence; the very source of life. Together they entered timeless space where nothing else existed, no past, no future, only this.

As I gave instructions for the wave of bliss meditation, gently cooing possibility, irony flashed in front of me and I laughed to myself.

Here I was, guiding my lover into loving another—to love her well and with all his heart.

I had entered the labyrinth of tantra, of non-duality. Any resistance to this experience would leave me wandering in the bardos of emptiness and almost-love for all eternity. I had set up this meditation. I was the one who opened the door for my lover to attend. I was the one surrounded by beautiful women friends, tantricas every one. I was the one who would be liberated or destroyed.

My only hope in this case, was complete and total surrender with no idea of what surrender would bring—or even how to surrender. Yet I was also willing for anything and everything that would, could, open me.

And now tantra, in the beauty of all that it is, prepared to teach me, the teacher, and forever break my heart.

The pairs around the room appeared before me and within me as I led the meditation. It was the lovers around me who breathed my body, and the sound of their breathing whispered the map of our journey.

The meditation took us deeper and deeper, each of us experiencing waves of intense arousal, then expansion, arousal, then expansion, until waves of bliss permeated the space and the mists of earlier excitement condensed into tendrils of truth, coaxing us beyond the limits of our minds.

My lover began as I expected he would, clumsily and absent-minded, looking to his partner to take the lead. My irritation for this man grew as I watched him falter. The familiar gnawing began in my gut as I observed his tentative efforts and I rankled at his hesitations and unwillingness to lead. He was adrift among these waves and desperate for someone’s guidance.

Photo: Michael Julian Berz

Guide him she did, my beautiful friend. She embraced him with gentleness and love, not the wrath and punishing attitudes my frustration often dealt him. She took him in, as a woman does. She saw him for who he truly was with such love and tenderness that he relaxed, began to weep, and seemed to fall into deep quietude.

His movements, in the beginning, were stiff, his breathing, self-conscious. I could see he was intent on following the instructions for the meditation, not truly present with himself or his partner just yet. Suddenly, this began to change as something emerged from the quietude—something imbued with strength.

He gave himself to his love for this woman and met her in a way he’d never, ever, been able to meet me. I saw his eyes light up as he freed himself from his thinking and concentration. I saw his body come alive with sensitivity as he responded to every move she made.

He took her in, then offered her beauty back to her, complete with the embellishments of his own arousal and desire.

It was breathtaking.

I was jealous.

They were in rapture.

I was seething.

Hours and minutes passed and by the grace of all that is tantra, the meditation managed to lead itself to a magnificent completion. The many participants, my lover and my friend, lay strewn about the floor in pure and utter bliss.

I couldn’t wait to pack up the car and get out of there. I’d had it. We were through. Once we packed up this car and made it home I didn’t care if I never saw his blissed-out face again.

Right, never open up with me, but give you one chance, just one, in a workshop with someone else and you become Shiva himself.  Fine. Have her. Have any other woman—have every other woman. I’m outta here.

It was a long two-hour ride home together. I ranted. I raved. I sulked. I exercised every emotion known to woman and explored the full range of each.

I might as well have been baying at the moon for all the response I got from him. He just sat there, driving, being oh so present with me, with that irritating blissful smile on his face. Then looks of concern. And finally, an overwhelming air of peacefulness that could not be shaken.

I was ready to have an aneurysm.

It was getting late and we were hungry. We decided to stop along highway 101 for dinner. Now I could sit straight across from him and look him in the eye while I updated him, in great detail, on his transgressions.

His presence was patient and warm. He did not resist me. He allowed me my ranting and he sat, quietly, just there with me as I went on and on and on. Somehow, sitting in front of him, with him just there, no resistance, no argument, no trying to fix me or explain himself, I ran out of steam. Stillness arose between us as a space, a gap. There was nothing left for me but to feel, to be with myself. So I sat there, in stillness, and I felt.

After just a few minutes the intensity of all that I’d been feeling—the irritation, the jealousy, the anger—became overwhelming. It strained at the surface of my being like some dark orgasm on the verge of tearing my world apart.

soundoflife.net

It was here, in the silent space where my ranting had led me, that my heart dropped through my feet and shattered on the floor.

My heart broke into so many tiny pieces it seemed to completely disappear. And I realized that I loved him. I realized what I had witnessed that morning between my lover and my friend was what I wanted, more than anything. And that I wanted it with him.

The way he met her. The way he came alive in her gentle presence. How he loved her. How he emerged as the man I’d always wanted. And it wasn’t lost on me the way she made all of that possible by accepting him, the very thing I’d never been able to do.

While my shattered heart lay there on the floor, I told him this. In an instant, all the strain and tightness within me dissolved and everything I had witnessed in the meditation filled the restaurant and the space between our bodies.

I loved this man. I knew he had always loved me. And now those walls that I’d kept firmly in place for so long, walls I had fortified with my judgments and criticisms, came tumbling down making a sound I can only imagine must be the sound of a breaking heart.

As I write this woman’s story—my story—I’m in awe, once again, of the alchemy of tantra, a magical chemistry that reveals everything, even jealousy, is raw material. All of our upsets are the base metal that contains the potential to become gold.

My irritation, my tightness. my ranting, my raving? All love, only love. Love at first repressed as irritation and tightness. Love then expressed as jealous ranting and raving. Then finally, love surrendered to and felt. Loved received. Love lived.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned? Perhaps. Or just maybe that fury has nothing to do with hell, and if we dare to surrender to the truth of it, everything to do with heaven.

 

Dawn Cartwright is a Tantric visionary, sacred writer, world traveler, and innovator in bio-energetic Tantra fusion. She discovered the path of Tantra by accident shortly after a period of life-changing mystical experiences in lovemaking. During her 20 years of teaching, she has integrated the Vigyan Bhairav roots of Tantra, Alexander Lowen’s teachings, the wisdom of Osho, and a microcosm-macrocosm approach to the body. Founder of the Chandra Bindu Tantra Institute in Santa Monica, California. www.chandrabindutantrainstitute.com

 

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~

Editors: Lori Lothian/Kate Bartolotta

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About Dawn Cartwright

Dawn Cartwright is a Tantric visionary, sacred writer, world traveler, and innovator in bio-energetic Tantra fusion. She discovered the path of Tantra by accident shortly after a period of life-changing mystical experiences in lovemaking. During her 20 years of teaching, she has integrated the Vigyan Bhairav roots of Tantra, Alexander Lowen’s teachings, the wisdom of Osho, and a microcosm-macrocosm approach to the body. Founder of the Chandra Bindu Tantra Institute in Santa Monica, California. You can also find Dawn on Facebook and Twitter. Dawn lives in Santa Monica, California.  

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24 Responses to “Sexual Jealousy: The Alchemy of Fury and Love. ~ Dawn Cartwright”

  1. shaydewey says:

    Posted to elephant love on fb.

  2. Dawn,
    Thanks for such a raw, courageous, open-hearted sharing. While it's always so intense, and sometimes experienced painfully, we ALL want our hearts broken open.
    Love and more love,
    Adam

    • alexa says:

      Adam!!!! Hola s me Alexa! I was just commenting via email to Dawn when I saw yours!. I send you a big hug and kiss as well! beso!
      Alexa

    • tinamariebernard says:

      we ALL want our hearts broken open…just wish the process was less painful at times. Agreed – lovely writing.

  3. Greg Macke - Ojai says:

    I am moved by your openness Dawn. Your allowing to be taken with your emotions, and own them, and then to allow the intense love to manifest through that same wound is what allows our vulnerability to be seen with each other and feel realness of love. Thank you for this. Sabine and i would like to attend your next workshop if you have one in Ojai.
    All Love is Good Love
    Greg

  4. Alexa says:

    Dear and wonderful Chandra,
    THANK YOU! for this personal and truthful article. You are courageous and beautiful and full of life as I recall your workshop's name was. I read it and it was like a perfect script to my own emotional state at this very moment. Im sending you love and light and as always hoping to see you again soon in one of your workshops again.
    Love,
    Alexa

  5. Shivanter Kaur says:

    THANK YOU for this post. I SO appreciate your candor, as I am sure many women do. It's nice to know it's not a "defect", but something to observe, accept, share, and love.

    Blessings~

  6. vocalfreedomcamp says:

    Beautiful!

  7. [...] we acquire tools such as fear, suspicion and doubt, to protect us in our youth, but they now cause us to hack into our lover’s email account to see if she or he is remaining faithful. Maybe we procure the tool of seduction and know how to [...]

  8. yogasamurai says:

    Unfortunately, this kind of story is precisely what confirms William Broad's thesis about yoga, Tantra and sex in his recent book and article! It also sounds like, as the saying goes, he "just wasn't that into you" – at least anymore. Were you even that into him, in fact? It doesn't sound like it, actually.

    A bit of a familiar story. One person focused intently on professional self, so the partner, feeling neglected – and possibly starving – strays into the arms of a far more available person, who is close enough to the situation – your best friend – to move in on it. In my experience, going back some years, this scenario plays out this way simply because the partners aren't dealing with what's actually going on in their relationship, their feelings go underground, and so, one acts "out" and "up" instead.

    In other words, this was an affair, a betrayal. Not sure what we gain by putting a Happy Tantra bow on it? Are you still together? Did you get to a new place? What does he think? Your account actually puzzles me a bit. There are too many real life emotional threads missing?

    Your web site is most intriguing. It sounds like you believe that the Tantra is fundamentally about sexual energy that is expressed on the sexual plane, through sexual liberation and healing? Am I missing something? Is part of your perspective, then, that your partner was finding a deeper healing elsewhere, and thus, there's no judgment – only love? Still, it implicates your own partnership in some way, inescapably, no?

    To each his/her own. It's just that if I were deeply in love with someone, I would already be deeply in synch with her on this sexual plane, and therefore, "naturally" exclusive, too? In my late teens, early 20s, with raging hormones and less awareness, perhaps not — since that time, yes, absolutely.

    • FoolMeOnce says:

      Thank you, Yogasamurai!

      This "post" is being used by my now "separated" spouse to demonstrate to me "once again that "if I just accepted him as he is" he wouldn't be so busy falling in love with any and every female on the planet…when clearly he has never been "that into me" in the first place. Honestly, I just wasn't "that into him" either.

      As much as he would like to feel like the victim here, the truth is he left this relationship four years ago all the while lying to me and making me believe that it was my "anger" that was what was destroying the relationship. When in fact, neither of us ever felt any passion towards one another in the first place and "my anger" came from the in congruency and frustration of spinning my wheels and getting nowhere.

      I simply believed that my dedication, loyalty, integrity, and commitment would be enough for him to fall in love with me…which in turn would somehow make me fall in love with him back. He on the other hand, somehow came to the conclusion that he could emotionally and psychologically betray me and then throw me into a trantic group and somehow create a "new woman" out of me regardless of the trampled piece of meat I had become.

      Clearly, we were both wrong and simply need to grow up, expect more from those who "say" they love us, and not settle for less than "the real thing." I know that I'm done with being "mama" and "teacher" to a man/boy! I deserve an actual grown up man who doesn't stutter when it comes to loving me.

    • Dear Yogasamurai,

      Thanks for writing and asking some really great questions. I understand your perspective and agree, quite heartily, with the last – "…deeply in sync with her on this sexual plane and therefore, "naturally" exclusive." Getting to what's natural, that's the edge.

      This experience of mine from nearly 12 years ago was a priceless life lesson. You ask what "he" felt about the situation? In that restaurant, on Hwy 101, he was the one who burst into tears of joy when he saw my breakthrough. I loved him – he knew that – and had been patiently (not so painful as it might seem as I was also quite loving) waiting for me to WAKE UP to the fact. My jealousy in those hours was a gift to us both and changed my life forever. This is what I hope to convey in my writing. In his book, Tantra Illuminated, Christopher Wallis reminds us of a Tantric proverb that reads: "We rise by the support of the same ground that trips us.". Though I was relatively new on the Tantric path at that time and it wasn't until years later when I wrote this article that I'd put those pieces together, the transformation occurred and continues to gift me. Now, even later in my Tantric life, I am still grateful for the love and patience of this man, of myself and life itself, giving me a steady ground from which to grow both as a lover and a human being.

      You ask about my views on Tantra. I experience Tantra as the science of reality. I dedicate myself to exploring and inquiring in every aspect of life as I open my heart to what is. One of my first mystical experiences happened in lovemaking, before I even knew that Tantra existed, and because of that I am devoted to the beauty that sex and love bring to the realization of our full potential as human beings.

      That you took time to write, to share your views, means so much.

      With love, Dawn

      • yogasamurai says:

        Thanks for getting back, Dawn. Yes, revelation can occur anywhere! I tend to follow the mad genius Wilhelm Reich, more than the Tantrics, in believing that sexual satisfaction and fulfillment can be such an emotional well-spring. However, it's also tricky terrain. They can also make you a prisoner of your desires, and greatly limit you spiritually. I don't think most of us in the West have the balance right.

        We're just an ungrounded and highly imbalanced culture, and prey to all sorts of commercial agendas, and the disguised demands of our insatiable egos! I have been very happy in one or two very sexual relationships and also ecstatically happy completely celibate. Sublimation is as powerful a force, spiritually, as ecstasy. Everyone should experience both and see what they bring, even if you have a regular partner. Cheers! Stewart

  9. [...] try to live with our other, our intimate other, as if distance is not necessary. We try to merge, losing perspective and difference. Near and far are part of intimacy.To relate skillfully we must get good at being both far and [...]

  10. Guy_Duff says:

    I found the article very elucidating in that it shows me how deeply interconnected we are and that the divine romance of spirit with spirit, prana with prana and the play of it in the physical world of man and woman is highly interactive and is always teaching that the primary hinderance to greater joy, connection and so on is judgement and fear. Here you were, the tantra teacher, experiencing judgement and possible (fear of loss (of control, of the love of your lover, etc)) and yet your lover, was (if rather clumsily at the time) trying to follow your teachings, being received by a beautiful tantrika into the vortex of sensual and deep connection and yet, and you were out of control, despite your judgement and fear and yet, you to some degree "allowed" it, even while holding judgement, and yet, when he was being unconditionally loved by this beautiful tantrika, he was receiving the healing he needed to open to the side of himself you could not see because of the judgement you were holding of him. Ultimately, he was able to awaken to himself and when you were finally able to drop your judgement and fear, what was there all along came into your realization, it was simply his magnificent self as love, affection, sweetness, spirit. Very beautiful lesson for me. I am holding so many judgements of myself that I still don't even feel worthy of having a beautiful tantrika for a girl friend. Maybe when I stop being sexually jealous of my true nature I'll be able to give all my beauty to the kind of lovers spirit wants me to be with. Interesting theory. What energy could I be so that a beautiful tantrika wanted to love me, even if for a night?

    • FoolMeOnce says:

      Yes Guy., Yada, yada, yada!

      You've "outed yourself" here, but since you LOVE to play out our relationship on a PUBLIC Stage….

      What came first, the "judgement, fear, and lack of control" or the lovers self indulgent, clumsy, attempts to grab satisfaction without ANY emotional or psychological foundation of connection, honor or integrity.,,,But yet you managed to deliver tons of your own judgements, dissatisfaction, and ungratefulness into the relationship not to mention completely. projecting all this crap upon your "lover". So sexy, baby! Gotta have it!

      Really? What do you want? Clearly I'm not your "Tantrika" so stop beating me up with what you feel is so lacking in me and GO, GO find that lovely, your sweet, beautiful tantrika that you've beaten me down with for the last four years!!!

      You're free, little bird!! Fly, fly away…,and stop pecking at me! If you REALLY had something to say; if you really had wanted to "work it out" then you would have at least tried to muster enough strength to stand up and say it to my face and maybe actually had your actions be congruent with your verbiage, but instead what you have done is use our situation, our daughter, and her puppy…, as a platform in order to get "sympathy" and attention from your "new friends" and hopefully get laid!

      Enough already, Guy!

  11. [...] from a small town hidden in a valley of trees. Wasn’t yoga for city people? And what was all this meditation reaching enlightenment [...]

  12. [...] In fact, the more intimate we are with each other, the better the relationship gets (case in point: jealousy and anger make for great raw material in sex). [...]

  13. Domenica Lamarsh says:

    You can get the phosphorescent paint from .

  14. [...] dick in another woman? My mantra is, “Let go of that which does not serve you.” Go away jealously! Go away envy! Go away doubt! Finally my suffering lifted and I realized, “Wow,” [...]

  15. [...] anger, etc. are all part of the journey and when they are acknowledged and fully felt, can be alchemized as fuel for desire and can deepen intimacy with yourself and the people in your [...]

  16. [...] According to an article by A.M. Pines and C.F. Bowes, published in Psychology Today (March, 1992), jealousy, one of the most common human emotions, is a biological defense mechanism that’s triggered when a person perceives a threat to his or her relationship. Additionally, their study showed that the majority of people who experience jealousy hate the way they act when they feel triggered. [...]

  17. Jennifer says:

    I am grappling with very similar issues as we speak. My partner feels that I do not accept him for who/how he is.

    What I want to know is if the author is still with this man?

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