10 Salves for a Broken Heart.
Rejected? It’s good for you (and me).“I felt like this tonight: mistaken alone a failure. Genuine sadness better than fake happiness: it opens possibility of genuine joy. http://instagr.am/p/N5emLYR9_Q/ ”
To Love is to Feel.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal.” ~ C.S. Lewis.
I recently had my heart broken, a little.
I’ve always been a bit lonely, though I’ve always known many people, and had many dear friends, and a wonderful mama—despite that I’ve often lapsed into intense loneliness. Luckily, I had the Buddhist teachings as a reference point, and they emphasize that loneliness isn’t a problem. In fact, as a gentleman from another tradition entirely says:
There’s a crack,
a crack in everything,
that’s how the light gets in
Loneliness, Pema Chodron reminds us, is in itself the feeling that is bodhicitta, or our fundamentally awake, good, aok human nature or “seed of awake.” The noble, peaceful warrior, Trungpa Rinpoche reminds us, is always broken hearted. Always. Ouch.
Well, that’s all talk. Last week I was in Hawaii, in paradise, on my first break ever, I fell back in love with an old flame, and she with me…only to discover my weak, needy longings being politely put off, then rejected entirely.
And then I was left alone: “I’m not ready for intimacy right now, please respect that.”
I was left alone with my bleeding, needy, open, vulnerable heart.
I spent two days alone, mostly, just being with that. And then, unable to bear being around someone I had, if for a silly, foolish, open moment, looked with love to…I let go, tried to close down, and returned to my home.
It’s easy to solidify disappointment into, as she said of me, “a pity party.” It’s also easy, as she said, to “be happy”—to just grin and bear it and let go and move on and pay it forward and smile. Fake it ’til you make it—it can work.
But my training is just to be with the sadness, and heal, and open, and smile when it’s a genuine smile born of inner flowering.
In that spirit, here’s my personal tips (for what little they’re worth).
1. Be. Don’t entertain or distract yourself with movies or web surfing or texting or fun or drinking or anything. Just be. Feel it.
2. Feel it. Feel it fully. Focus on it. Allow it to breathe, relax, open of its own accord. If you don’t know what “it” is, you need to go out there, fall in love, and get your heart broken. Then, proceed to step number…
3. Meditate. Mix your mind, your neurosis, your love, your he said/she said internal arguments and longings…with space. With the present moment.
4. Nature. Get out in it. Breathe. Hike. Do yoga. Walk your dog. Walk a friend’s dog.
5. Talk with true friends, who will give you their truth. Keep company with real people, not the 95% of your acquaintances who don’t really, truly know you.
6. Tonglen.
7. Call mom or dad. If not mom or dad, some powerfully personal mentor figure in your life.
8. Let’s get practical: don’t communicate with your unrequited loved one. Jealousy, longing, expectations, pain…it’s drama. Let it go. Hide his/her stream on Facebook (unfriending is too dramatic. Middle way). Don’t text. Don’t email. Wish them happiness, even love…a la step #7.
9. Exercise. Don’t eat too much, or do whatever it is you do when you’re sad. As Pema says, change your habitual pattern. Take care of yourself. Maitri.
10. Ask someone out. Ask two someones out. Get out there, when you’re ready. And if you get rejected, as you will, remember: when it’s right, and you have your shiite together, it’ll just happen naturally. No need to push or pull.
Jolly good luck, sweetheart.
Incorrect source, offensive, or found a typo? Or do you want to write for Elephant?
This post speaks to my own, broken, bent, sloppy heart…having fallen in love with my best friend after he finally gave up on winning me over, I realized I was in love with him on the same day he decided to move his old flame in with him…*sigh* It's been 2 months, you're so right, all of these things work…but #8, yeah that's the hard one, I work on that every day.
When it's right…it will happen. I'll just keep telling myself that.
Thanks!
And, if it doesn't…or if it does: maitri!
I know this is shameless self-promotion and totally gauche but I thought the article I wrote on “Letting Go” might help too…?
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/08/how-a-yama…
From one survivor of a broken heart to another. Peace my brother.
Abby
Reading now. With thanks, sister!
One week of heartache for me today…thank you…sometimes, for me…I need someone I don't know to put it in front of me. Much happiness and peace!
perfect. this serves as a reminder for me b/c, after all, it is all about practice…breaking old old patterns and no push and pull…
i recently met someone who moves me and i observe my old patterns creeping in. being aware of them, i must practice #3 and #9. and without a doubt will being and feeling, #1 & #2, and truly obeying these serve as my discipline to maintain this perspective. thrilling actually, isn't it?
So real and lovely in the way that beauty is broken things, spacious things, things with edges and asymmetry. Thanks for posting. I know my broken hearts have kept my heart open so others can enter and life can plant more seeds.
This is so helpful and timely. thanks so much!
thank you…as selfish as it sounds, made me feel better I am not alone…
Thank you for sharing this. It reminds me that I am not the only one experiencing this and I am not alone. And thank you for reminding me/us about Tonglen; I already feel less isolation and lonliness knowing other people feel this. I feel closer to all you at this very moment.
EJ has helped me get through my pain from a breakup with someone I was committed to for 7 years and I don't know what I would have done without EJ ( which is part of #1's what not to do), my family, friends, and the Boulder foothills for nature walks.
Howdy Waylon – I do believe your introductory quote attributed to Rumi is actually attributable to Leonard Cohen, from a poem/song called Anthem, though Cohen is sort of a Rumi for Westerners. Perhaps it was Rumi inspired. Perhaps you were taking liberty with the interwebs and being a funny guy in the spirit of "Damn girl you so fine." – Aristotle
http://www.elyrics.net/read/l/leonard-cohen-lyric… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_e39UmEnqY8
As far as you and the ladies, chin up good sir. Good post. Cheers, Brian
That's so funny—my bad. I've actually blogged up Cohen's quote before, but couldn't remember who'd said it, so googled it…and I guess the internet's decided Rumi gets credit for all sweet inspiring quotes, these days.
Fixed, with thanks.
Thank you, as always, for your humanity. It takes courage to love and courage to share, courage to trust that this will result in healing waves that ripple to so many.
I wrote a piece from a similar (recovering from a smashed to bits) place a few days ago, and also emphasized media as an elixir. Because really, sometimes, you can find yourself more present with feelings with the help of songs, movies and books … if they are not gratuitous escape routes, you can allow them to help you boldly face and purge feelings that when cleared away provide a sense of clarity around reality and the possibility of surviving over the course of the emotional seasons, seasons that all of these musicians/songwriters/artists went through, that everybody goes through … how much we are together in this loneliness.
Cathartic/reflective breakup playlist (homemade from years of practice), just in case one or two strikes your fancy!
http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL7107D3919B…
With all due respect, I must interject something about talking to people … I don't think people need to be so cordoned off about this … part of recovering is trusting your feelings, not just who THINK you can talk to. I mean, I was on a flight right after my (holy shit storm) breakup, and I was really in 'don't talk to me' mode. The (complete stranger) girl sitting next to me was very insistant on starting a conversation however. She practically interviewed me! (I'm a science writer, I'm the one who interviews, not other people!) Suddenly I a little floodgate opened and i told her the story. She looked at me with these incredibly amber-colored eyes (I swear it was like she wasn't human for a second) and recommended a book. It is a book that is absolutely critical for my growth at this stage in my life–every page resonates and reminds me of my self worth and how to move forward, practically, in the realm of dating based on that sense of self worth, self love and renewed self trust. So I think at these times, rather than only focus on 5 percent of friends, we just need to be careful about what we allow to come through our filters when the people we share with share back. We can trust our antennae, and potentially talk to anyone who creates the right zone, it's a bit more magical that way, seeing how these kind souls just take on angel wings out of nowhere, for no immediate gain of their own! … it is up to us to follow up on what is resonating. So many interventions waiting to happen.
Love, Light and a wish for you to find that sweet, sweet spot of self love, the kind that overflows once again
What book?
The book is called "It's Just a Date," by Greg and Amiira Behrendt. It's available on Kindle through Amazon UK but not US so I had to order the book … it's really a book about (a collective lack of) self esteem and about how nobody actually dates anymore (a formality and yet a way to see multiple people for a span of time to decide who you would like to be with instead of becoming 'sexclusive' so fast), finding partnership has become more about hanging out, hooking up and doing things that are 'easy' instead of inserting the structure at the beginning that is necessary to get to know someone … and yet if you don't do that, you run over your own self esteem because of a lack of enough to set a good thing up in the first place … they also address confusing deal breakers (superficial notions of what is a good fit) with standards and how that unnecessarily writes off people who deserve a chance and could be good fits if you just dated enough to find this out instead of hooking up or moving on to another hangout/hookup! it's a laugh-out-loud book and yet it's cutting in its wisdom. I am not being paid to endorse it; I just find it a fast-tracker to the next level of where I want to be. I literally hit a wall at age 37 where I knew without a doubt that my approach was flawed. This has been my answer. It just makes sense. Best Wishes. Emily
Been there, donne just that
Excellent advises, It sure worked for me!
Makes me wanna cry…thanks Waylon. :0)
And after many days, the seedling poked through the darkness and the dirt to discover the gentle, early morning light. Dewy tears had collected and then were gently wiped away by the sweet, sweet dawn. A new day, a new life, a new perspective was born.
Waylon: Great article, full of many truths. Thank you. Am posting to FB main page. Don't think anyone beat me to it…will double check.
You know when I googled you I thought you were much older than you seem to be….Letting feelings move in us, not easy, always a process. I think it is a Native American saying that goes something like the more your heart breaks the stronger it grows. [I am not doing it justice.] Takes a certain courage. Every heart ache and break from romance to friends has taught me more and takes feeling deeper. I used to think things got easier with age. I think we get practice at hurting and healing. But honestly there's a deeper tenderness, so even though it may have happened several times each time is different. In AA they say you go through it till you grow through it. I believe everyone should have their heart ripped out at least once before entering into a committed relationship. Anything is possible…but not everything.
And I love EJ and what opportunities this has given me.
Om Shanti.
Darn. It's been posted.
Me likey. Good advice. Just getting to #10 again.
This resonates. Thank you…and following your advice with respect to #10. Do you wanna go out?
By the way, here's what I recently wrote on this topic: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/07/so-what-im…
Bless! I got my heart broken the big way – about this time last year – and I followed all the same steps, and got through it. My heart is still broken, but in a good way.
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