Why Relationships Break. ~ Kristin Bach

Via on Oct 9, 2012

love, relationships, vintage

Why can’t we all just get it together?

Welcome to 2012 in America. A time of technological advances, social media and economic crashes. A time of uncertainty, civil unrest and dysfunctional relationships.

Sounds cynical, you might say and perhaps a cynic I am at times; however, I’m sure at one point in your life or another, you’ve thought, “what is wrong with me/her/him/them? Why can’t we all just get it together?”

Doesn’t everyone want a life of love, peace and security? Yet, why instead are many of us filled with fear, anxiety and hopelessness?

Where did we go wrong?

Every person is placed on this earth to fulfill a particular mission and to journey across a particular path. Whether the mission is to reach an end goal is neither here or there. Many times it’s what you’re doing and who you encounter that has the most significant impact. It’s during this walk of life, when honey bee meets flower, moon meets ocean, boy meets girl.

A relationship starts to develop and can either flourish or flounder. How do you keep your relationship thriving and alive? How can you/wekeep it together?

My theory of why relationships break up stems from four simple words: Abuse. Adultery. Absence. Arrogance.

Let’s discuss.

#4: Abuse

This one is self-explanatory… or is it? Abuse can take many forms—from physical to emotional to spiritual. Obviously if you are being physically abused, get out as soon as possible. Violence and any form of contact where injury and pain are involved is not acceptable and should never be tolerated.

Emotional abuse is also known as psychological abuse. While a person may not be causing physical pain or injury to one’s body, he or she may be causing psychological pain and injury to one’s mind, emotional state and overall well-being. Such things that count as emotional abuse are verbal aggression or name-calling, constant “put-downs” and diminishing of the other person (this may also be a form of spiritual abuse or seen as a “power struggle”).

Hot/cold behaviors can be emotionally abusive, where one only shows love conditionally, then shows hatred immediately when they don’t get their way. It’slike switching the hot and cold water faucet back and forth. Does she love me or hate me? Quite confusing, huh?

Finally, spiritual abuse. How is this defined in the context of a relationship? In religious institutions or cults, this can be seen as a form of manipulation or brainwashing in which certain beliefs and behaviors are ingrained in a person or group of people in order to instill inauthentic authoritative power in the name of some God, deity, higher power or spiritual concept.

This form of abuse in a relationship can be prevalent when one party has the mindset of wanting to control their partner. Whether conscious or not, the controller takes on the authoritative role in a self-serving way versus in a humble way for the betterment of the relationship. I don’t believe anyone should be controlled; however, I do feel there must be submission in order for a relationship to survive and thrive (more will be discussed about this this in the arrogance section).

Opposite of abuse: Nurture

#3: Adultery

This is self-explanatory… or is it?

Adultery is defined as voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone that is not their legal spouse. Basically, if you’re doing it with someone other than your partner, you are committing adultery. However, what about acts or behaviors towards a non-spouse or non-partner that aren’t necessarily the full deal, but still has sexual or loving connotations involved?

What about a kiss? What about a love letter? Are these considered acts of adultery? I vote yes.

The line becomes gray and blurry at times. If you begin to feel love and passion towards someone other than your partner, which may happen given our fallen human nature, if you decide to develop this feeling, then this is the first step of adultery. The key is whether you decide to take action to develop another relationship (whether physical or emotional) with another person. By following your heart and taking steps to be closer to this other person, you are walking into dangerous and dark territory.

However, by dismissing this other person, you are making a conscious choice to be true and loving to your partner. When an outside person shows up to test you and your love for your partner, instead of taking a step towards possible adulterous domain, do the opposite. A general rule of thumb is if it feels fun and exciting, devious and tempting, walk away. Discipline is the ultimate road to true love.

Opposite of adultery: Faithfulness

#2: Absence

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but too much absence makes the heart wander.”

~ Thomas Haynes Bayly.

Sounds simple. However, there are various levels of absenteeism. First of all, I think its very healthy to spend time away from your partner. This can give you both time to reflect and regenerate, so you can be fresh and ready for each other again. Physical absence for too long can cause much stress and strain on the relationship.

As humans, we are dependent creatures. We depend on others for survival and when you enter into a relationship with someone, a vulnerability and need for each other is created. Those that claim they are completely independent, and don’t need anyone else are fooling themselves. Whether you have a partner or not, as a human, you are dependent on and need other humans for sanity purposes (family, friends, partners, etc.)

There is also emotional absence. We’ve all experienced this. You may be physically in a room with someone but it may seem as if they are not quite there. They are off drifting away and may not even realize that there is someone sitting right in front of them. They may go through the motions of conversation with you but their words are thoughtless and empty, maybe even robotic.

There is no conscious engagement, no authentic interest or regard. Perhaps there is an absence of communication, an absence of understanding, or even an absence of true love. There may be an absence of compromise or an ability to meet your partner halfway, an absence of affection or an absence of common shared goals. The list of absences can go on. Many people continue in relationships for mere comfort purposes and don’t even realize that much is absent. You absolutely must be present with your partner.

Finally, there is spiritual absence. Two people must share the same core and moral values in order to survive. I’m not saying that you must agree on everything (there should be a healthy amount of debating and disagreement) and you don’t need to have exactly the same views however, the basic fundamentals must be in unity. There must a presence of shared beliefs (whether religious, political, business or family oriented, etc.).

There must be something the two must believe in together besides themselves. Also when two people come together, sacrifices must be made because you are no longer a single entity operating on your own. If there is an absence of the ability to make sacrifices or an absence of the ability to operate together as a unit or team with the same core beliefs, dangerous waters may lie ahead. The catch in all of this is that it’s very important to know and appreciate what you do have present in your relationship (instead of always focusing on what’s absent). There must be a realistic balance.

Opposite of absence: Presence

#1: Arrogance

Arrogance is defined as an offensive display of superiority or self-importance and/or overbearing pride. Pride is also known as original sin. Pride is tricky because it can disguise itself as other emotions such as self-esteem, self-worth, honor, joy, delight and treasure.

Arrogance can also sometimes be mistaken for confidence. Confidence can be a good quality but taken too far, turns to egocentricity and turns one into a know it all. Someone that believes the entire world revolves around them is destined for failure because guess what, the world is huge and you are not the only one living in it!

However, there’s a catch because isn’t your partner supposed to be your one and only? Aren’t you supposed to revolve the world around each other? Sounds like such a beautiful song or poem. But can this really be? It would be arrogant to believe that two people can be the center of each others’ universe (it may even be arrogant of me to write this article). So, what the heck?

I believe the key to not falling into the arrogance trap is to humble yourself. At any point in your relationship and with any situation that comes up between the two of you. One partner must submit and humble themselves. 50/50 relationships do not exist. 51/49 is the way to go. There should always be a dance going on between the lead (51) and the follow (49), or the proposer (51) and the submitter (49).

In some relationships, there is always one partner that takes the lead/proposer role and the other always following/submitting. This can be okay only to a certain extent because there will be specific situations that come up where the roles will have to be reversed. Both roles should be constantly rotating and interchanging.

The 51/49 theory can also be seen as the give and take game. There is always a giver and always a taker. However, this should be balanced and not too skewed towards one person. If your partner is always taking, expecting things and needs to constantly and inappropriately be taken care of, this is arrogant. Or if you are always giving because you have more to give or feel you know more or have more to provide or prove, then this is arrogant. The give and take must be balanced and each partner must take turns. If you can master this dance with your partner, then your feet will stay happily on the dance floor.

Opposite of arrogance: Humility

So there we have it—my theory of broken relationships. It is actually very sad to realize that we live in such a broken world with so many shattered relationships. Perhaps one day the minority of people that are still able to make things work can rise up and become a majority. If two people can embody the characteristics of nurturing, faithfulness, being present and humbling themselves, perhaps they can pass on these attributes to their children and future generations so we can start to have a better world filled with love, peace and security.

Perhaps one day there will be nothing to fear and be anxious about. Instead we will all be united and replenished with virtue. I do believe this day will come but until then, the time is now and how you decide to act in your relationship will lay the foundation for your future.

 

Kristin Bach resides in the beautiful Pacific Northwest and writes articles on psychology, philosophy, and personal growth here. Kristin holds a degree in Psychology from the University of WA, and is on the road towards an MACP (Master’s in Counseling Psychology) in Seattle. After many years of practice within the realms of Eastern thought, she is now a newly reformed Christian.

~

Editor: Sarah Winner

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10 Responses to “Why Relationships Break. ~ Kristin Bach”

  1. Ironically says:

    Ironically, if you dial back these traits a little they define the "alpha male" that many women are most attracted to. The man who is too nice must be desperate or lacking self-esteem. The adultery example is especially intriguing. I think most men have had the "when it rains it pours" experience: as soon as you have a woman on your arm, other women become more available, and you wonder where they all were when you were alone. I wonder if this is competitive impulse, or just a general herding or harem instinct, or maybe a feeling of safety that nothing immediate can actually happen with a man who is taken?

  2. Capri says:

    Keyword: Virtue :)

  3. kristinbee says:

    Hi Ironically! Thanks for reading! I don't think nice men are desperate or lacking self-esteem. Nice guys are great! However, if a man is "too nice" in a sense that he lets people walk all over him, aren't able to be firm in certain situations, or are not able to take a stance on something, then yes this can be seen as "weak." However, if you are too firm, too confident, too all knowing, then this can turn into arrogance. Its all about having a balance (and having the ability to be sensitive). In terms of the adultery issue, yes I believe many women flock to men who are "unavailable" because they deep down are emotionally unavailable. I also think that when other "potential" partners come to you when you are taken, it is a test. It is a test from God (or higher power) to determine the strength of your relationship and your commitment level to your partner. Temptation comes in many forms. ;)

  4. joni says:

    Wow, I just ended a 20 year marriage and you have somehow summarized exactly where we went wrong. Thank you

  5. You haven’t really taken into account the idea that some relationships end due to none of these reasons…that sometimes things just end because they are over. I had a wonderful 7-year relationship that ended amicably because we were ready to move in different directions. What about the idea that not every relationship is supposed to last forever, and the dysfunction is expecting them to. You are awfully hard on people in this piece- I am really grateful for all my romantic experiences – I have had beautifully intense experiences with a handful of fantastic men. Wouldn’t have it any other way.

  6. Jessica says:

    Thank you for a very well written and BALANCED article that struck a chord with me. I am in a failing marriage and thought one of these would pertain to the downward spiral…and they all do sadly. Thanks for putting words to my past so I can allow myself to move forward and realign my balance because I deserve it. Everyone does.

  7. kristinbee says:

    Thanks for reading everyone. To Starre – I didn't mean to sound harsh, however, I did intend to speak truthfully and firmly. Yes, not all relationships can last "forever," however, I do believe there is hope for those that want a life-long bond. I've seen it work and its quite beautiful and admirable. Relationships are not easy, it takes much patience and hard work. I truly feel if we can remove these four A's (abuse, adultery, absence, and arrogance) out of our lives and replace them with their opposite nature (nurturing, faithfulness, presence, and humility), then there can be hope for relationships of any kind to flourish.

  8. rdepassavant says:

    Thank you Kristin for a great article–very insightful. I'd say this pretty much summarizes the breakdown of my previous marriage. There's only one part I'd slightly disagree with–I think when you are really in love/engaged/committed to your current partner, or as you'd say "present," there's no room for those feelings of temptation or interest in someone else. Your heart is just too full with your partner to allow thoughts of someone else. I think these feelings are not temptations to be fought with self-discipline, but a sign that something is off in your current relationship. At least, this has been my experience.
    Also, @ ironically (though I think a lot of people share your point of view) I don't think it's fair to always identify men as the adulterers. I'm bothered by that whole stereotype of the lustful powerful alpha male and the submissive-female-who-only-needs-sex-as-an-expression-of-romantic-love-and-would-nver-have-impure-urges waiting for him at home and being cheated on (sorry, I know I'm exaggerating, but that's how that stereotype comes off to me sometimes). In my circle of friends, the women have sometimes treated their partners much worse than the men, and the monogamy infringement has been pretty equal on both sides. One sex doesn't have the monopoly on selfishness and immaturity, I'm afraid ;)

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