From time to time…I have emotional anorexia.
I restrict the intake of good feelings which creates an inner pile up of bad feelings. What happens next is best described as pure inner hell. This morphs into bulimia: A full-blown purging of unbalanced feelings and actions. What person doesn’t open the door to greet a new emotion every day? Some of us ride that crazy emotional carousel around in our heads over and over, hour by hour, day after day.
But when the same emotions (particularly negative) keep re-surfacing, it’s time to ask the question: Are you in a slow suicide of unfulfilled desires?
Desires…We all have them. They sit like a penny in the bottom of a dark well just wishing, hoping to come true. From time to time you peer down the well, just to see if your penny still exists. These desires…these thoughts make the sides of your mouth turn up; redness seeps across your cheeks; your eyes become seductive half moons. Just as desire lulls you deeper—your cell phone rings—snapping you back to reality, you brush off the guilty pleasure. Desire creeps back into the well. These dormant dark pleasures make your heart flutter, but you never fully roll out the welcome mat to let them bloom.
Do your inner desires, the deluxe most tantalizing ones, deserve the very bottom of the well?
Yoga is about letting go, but to a degree of the highest consciousness. We are supposed to practice Vairagya (freedom from desire or non-attachment). Is suffocation the answer? I think we actually suffocate our desires with a form of attachment.
By ignoring our desires, we have now developed an attachment to security; to the known; to the accepted; to the approved; to the masses and to the regulated. These words are not accepted in my vocabulary. The Art of Non-Conformity is the ability to release any and all attachment to conformity on all levels. It is about releasing the attachment to what is approved as right and re-writing the story to approving what’s right for you.
Rebel against conformity: These words are in my vocabulary.
I can guarantee there are hidden desires of all levels within each of us: A medley—many-colored, every changing and infinite. And sadly for some, they are buried so deep—so far down the well, they don’t even exist anymore.
Poor is the man whose pleasures depend on the permission of another.
But the truth is, they are there. Desires to start a business, run a marathon, secret sexual desires, climbing some mountain…The list can go on and on. I see the barriers and the desires between us all having one common denominator: Fear.
Fear: Highly overrated and over publicized by doubt…She’s quite the bitch. Judgment (her BFF) pays her bills to keep her tickin’ and frankly it’s time to cut everyone’s salary.
Your attachment to safety is getting old and the clock is silently making you a fool. The fear you may fall out at the eighth mile in that marathon or the rejection from a lover when your fantasies are unleashed: This fear is real. However, with each dismissal your true self is becoming a mirage. Opening ourselves up and nourishing those desires allows us to break down the barriers we often put up around us. If we don’t let ourselves truly unfold into a complete natural state of balance—living our truth, then we aren’t fully conscious of the wealth that exists. Letting go is the key to unfolding all that’s naturally yours.
My pain is self-chosen
At least I believe it to be
I could either drown
Or pull off my skin and swim to shore
~ Layne Staley (RIP)
Every emotion, the good, the bad and the ugly are not meant to be compartmentalized.
I spent many years thinking all of my bad emotions were “wrong” (Thanks society, you had me for a while). But I grew wiser, understanding there was no need for me to put things into someone else’s wrong and right category. Once I detached from everything around me, I was able to see clearly. This produced a huge sigh of relief. It gave answers without a ruling from our culture, our mentors and “insert any authority figure here”. I didn’t need to run from bad or good, I acknowledged both, tuned my frequency within—a solo channel—and was amazed how much it set me free from judgment, shame and all those other jerky feelings out there. If we give all of our emotions equal attention, setting them free is much easier.
Rules for Non-rule Members:
- Eliminate the need to restrict any emotion. Understand they all have purpose (a tool there to guide you) putting no emphasis on one more than the other.
- If you restrict the good, I guarantee you will see a rise in the negative that will morph into low thoughts and unexplained bad behavior.
- Pull undisclosed desires from the internal well, because they are yours and deserve balanced attention. These desires are often the key to unlocking your true self and living a life of fulfillment.
- Start enjoying the benefits of non-conformity and become unattached to what anyone else thinks. You decide what’s right for you. Truly recognize that your desires can be fulfilled, but it’s up to you to give yourself permission to obtain the wealth of this freedom.
I always say, when the voice and the vision on the inside become more profound, clear and loud than the opinions on the outside, you’ve mastered your life!
~ Dr. John Demartini
Keeping the undisclosed desires in the well may feel cozy, but wouldn’t unleashing them be so much more delicious?
Terri Hug is a yoga instructor, wellness junkie, antevasin, animal advocate, tattoo collector and boundary pusher. Her motto: Why not? Terri is currently pursuing the 500-hr Integrative Yoga Therapist certification while teaching Hatha yoga classes to adults; chair yoga to senior citizens and offers her Ignite Within Meditation workshops. Vegetarian, writer, music addict, dream builder and f-bomb awesome. Stay mindful and play outside the box on Twitter, Facebook or her blog.
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Assistant Ed: Dusty Ranft/Ed: Kate Bartolotta