This is Why You Didn’t Get a Second Date.

Via on May 22, 2013


We’ve all been there…

Butterflies and all that jazz that starts to happen when we meet someone special.

We go out, we make out, and maybe we make something else too…and then we wait. Ugh.

The damn waiting we do for these darn men!

We wait and we wait and we wait (hopefully) and by that I mean hopefully you aren’t pursuing him with phones calls and emails and other “chasing” type behavior.

If you are, stop immediately.

You are going against the grain of male/female attraction…read this blog for more information on that subject.


We wait and we wait and we wait. And then nothing. Nada, zip, zilch—absolutely nothing comes our way except a big pile of disappointment when we aren’t swept off feet like we thought for sure we would be…

No more phone calls, no more dates, no more dreamy nights curled up in his arms after making sweet love for hours on end.

So, what gives?

Well I have some answers for you today.

See, I was talking to my good friend Carol Allen (who’s the astrologer for many, many super stars out in LA) and she was telling me about these seminars that she goes to which are full of men.

And in one of the seminars she was in recently, the men were surveyed (several hundred of them) on what keeps them from asking a women out out another date, even when things have been going quite good.

It turns out that most every man in the room was in total agreement and there are three reasons why women don’t get asked out on a another date.

So I wanted to touch on the top one with you today to see if you can relate—to wee if, in fact, you have made this number on mistake before (I know I have!) and give your hot little self something to think about in your relations to men.

The number one reason women don’t get asked out on a second date is: Because we’re too bossy and we override suggestions.

Now, Carol didn’t go into the reasons why these men said that being too bossy and overriding suggestions turns them off to the point of not wanting another date.

But I’ve been thinking—and I have some advice from not just my own dating life, but from my years of relationship study and working with private clients that has giving me amazing insight on understanding men.

Here’s why this response doesn’t come as a bit of a surprise to me: men don’t like being told what to do. (Neither do we, but for different reasons.)

Men don’t like being told what to do because it offends their “Manhood”, that masculine quality about them that makes them want to be your Hero, your “Mr. Fix-it” and your masterful provider.

Imagine this scenario:

A man asks you out and already has the night lined up. He’s picking you up at eight, and he’s taking you to this great little Italian restaurant that he’s been to before and just knows you’re going to love.

But when he calls to confirm, you tell him that you don’t want him to pick you up, you’d rather meet him at the restaurant and that you really aren’t in the mood for Italian…you’d rather have Thai.

Without knowing it, you’ve essentially offended his ability to provide for you, take care of your needs, and do something special for you.

You’ve offended his masculine energy, the very energy that wants to succeed, wants to win you over, and wants to impress you, too.

Your date has taken special care to think of and plan something special for you and instead of welcoming his gifts of thoughtful planning and consideration, you shoot down his thoughtful idea, taking with it his pride and manly ability to provide for you.

Get it?

We women do this all time and don’t even realize it!

We “tell” our men what to do—even when we think what we’re saying is just a “suggestion.”

We must remember that men wear different ears than women—they actually have different brains in their head, different ways of seeing and feeling and acting and thinking.

The list goes on and on and on.

So, when a man makes a plan, stick to it! He’s operating from the very core of his being, from a place that is wildly passionate about providing, finding solutions and taking care of the most important people in his life.

And don’t you want to ultimately be one of the most important people in his life?

Of course you do.


Like elephant love on Facebook.


Ed: Bryonie Wise

Source: via lila on Pinterest


About Ellen Smoak

Ellen Smoak is the internationally acclaimed Relationship Coach, Speaker, and Author of "Breakups Are A Bitch, But Getting Over Him Doesn’t Have To Be!". A professional dating and relationship coach by day and fun-loving dating diva by night, Ellen offers love advice and coaching for thousands of men and women around the world on her website and through her proven coaching programs. After surviving a breakup with her ex-fiance of 5 years, Ellen realized that her sense of self-worth and self-love were suffering. She promptly developed a plan to mend a broken heart and heal herself from the inside out, which she turned into a revolutionary downloadable system. To get Ellen's free video series "How to Beat Your Broken Heart BEFORE it Beats YOU" click here.


Appreciate this article? Support indie media!

(We use super-secure PayPal - but don't worry - you don't need an account with PayPal.)

14 Responses to “This is Why You Didn’t Get a Second Date.”

  1. Really? This is so demeaning to men. Men of quality LOVE women with real thoughts and opinions, not doormats. Yes, of course there's a give and take of ideas and suggestions, that's just thoughtfulness in a relationship. But I can't think of anything less romantic than 'sticking with his plan' to save his pride.
    If a guy is that over-sensitive and prideful, I do not wish to 'be one of the most important people in his life'. It makes me sad that any woman would actually follow this 'advice'.

    • I think you missed the point. Imagine you planning a date or event meticulously and just as it is ready to start the person says they don't like it and changes everything without a consideration to your planning? Would you want to have anything further to-do with that person? I think not.

    • integrity8 says:

      Agree Allissa ~ what on earth is going on here? This is such archaic 'advice.' I don't go all out to step on a man's toes and feel that being considerate is a two way street. The first mistake is to rush into a man's arms and expect him to call you once you've been intimate with him. Why not find out who you're sleeping with before going full tilt into intimacy. I am the most important person in my life and from this, all else flows.

  2. Paula says:

    This is the second dating article I've read on Elephant in the past two days that speaks in these gross generalities about male and female attraction. It reflects a growing trend in dating advice that I see all over the net. Sometimes, with some men, I really enjoy sitting back and watching how they pursue me and what they "provide". It's fun. Other times, with some men, I totally enjoy being the one doing the pursuing–and yes, I've chased before and enjoyed it–as did he. :) I don't want to be locked into some concept of gender roles. I prefer the freedom to do what comes naturally to me.

  3. Katherine says:

    I have to agree with the above comment. Any date I've been on, we discuss and agree on what we might want to do or where we want to go, with some flexibility naturally occurring. I don't think I would be waiting and waiting hopefully for a second date with someone who was so instantly put off by my tendency to have my own ideas and opinions.
    Call me crazy.

  4. Paula says:

    "Didn’t we have it made wearing sexy aprons and and being able to stretch out and relax in an empty house all day while someone else went out to push, pull, and wear themselves out to bring home the bacon? "

    From blog. Really? Is that what women were doing in the home all those years? Was this fantasy pre-kids? Because being a parent and running a household can be quite tiring. When I was in a relationship where he "brought home the bacon" I was pretty damn busy all the time.

    I don't discount that women who are dating can stand to look at their feminine energy if they want a masculine man, but prefer it not couched in sentimental crap.

  5. Take this from thought from a Man who has been married for 23 years. Women, we love your thoughts and opinions, but we don't need to hear them drummed into our head all of the time. Do you remember what it was like growing up and your Mother was constantly nagging you about every little thing in your life? Guess what? You have become that nagging Mother you complained about as a teen and couldn't wat to get away from!

    The paradigm has shifted and Men just have more options then Women when it comes to dating. I see and hear my single and divorced Male friends say it all of the time. They are not looking for Ms Perfect or Ms Doormat in a relationship, those never last. What they are looking for in a relationship is a Women they can actually enjoy living with who isn't nagging them insesently like their Mother! Women, stop the nagging because you are driving Men away from you!

  6. Lea says:

    "So, when a man makes a plan, stick to it!"

    Unless you don't feel like sticking to the plan.
    As long as you're not rude or considerate in the manner you express your thoughts you can suggest different options.
    Otherwise to "appear" to be enjoying something you're not for the sake of scaring a man away would only make you unhappy. And I'm not talking about occasional compromises or being disrespectful to a person's plans. But plans should be made with consideration to both of your interests and liking in the first place.

    so "stick with whatever plans a man makes for you to assure his need to provide" is not a healthy advice.

  7. pinedita says:

    Wait a second, so its not that the men in our culture should learn to curb their egos to listen to what the other person has to say, but that women should, yet again, roll over and excuse men’s insecurities and little egos (further justifying it in pseudo science) for the sake of being called on a second date? No thanks. That men have this common interpretation of women being bossy is an indication of a greater cultural problem here and its the backlash of patriarchy towards independent women who have a voice. I’m coming from a premise that a difference of opinion on the evening’s activities are expressed respectfully. Equal relationships negotiate, they don’t assert. Women also have an innate desire to protect and provide. Why are we being asked to put ourselves aside? This article is too medieval for me.

    And the nagging mother piece? Clearly if your partner feels the need to “nag” you about something, you’re unwilling to listen to something that is very important to that person. When a person continually brings something up, it means they haven’t gotten from you what they have needed.

  8. Sarah phillimore says:

    If this is dating, thank fuck I don't do it.

  9. Katie says:

    This is satire…. I hope! What an absurd thing to write! You don’t get asked out on a second date because you’d rather meet a stranger or semi-stranger at a restaurant rather than let him see where you live and you express a preference for a type of cuisine? Either the author is completely full of shit or the “survey participants” are single for a reason!

  10. Tamara says:

    Are you kidding me? For one, most of the men I make plans with ask me where I want to eat, instead of assuming I want a carbo loaded italian meal. I appreciate the idea of the man making the plan, but taking my preferences into consideration while doing it should be part of the deal. Of course, then I would be accused of expecting him to read my mind. A good man and woman will take their dates preferences into consideration and if they don't know what they are, they should ask. Communication people, communication.

Leave a Reply