5 Ways To Pleasure Yourself.

Via on Jun 25, 2013
Rob Boehle via Pinterest
Rob Boehle via Pinterest

I’ve now written 40 articles for elephant journal.

Every one of my pieces is a window into my life, into the darkness, the lightness—the life I have lived.

I’ve spoken of my disorders, molestation, sex, relationships and divorce. Some may perceive my articles as ‘airing dirty laundry.’ I believe I share my life openly, transparently without shame, in order to help others know they are not alone in their thoughts, feelings or actions. Knowing we are not alone is the catalyst for growth, healing and transformation.

On the eve before my 34th birthday, I’m spending time reflecting on my life and the past year. My goal for the year to come is to continue shedding all the thoughts and conditioned beliefs that continue to hold me back.

I write this piece not only for myself, but for my daughters and all women.

My birthday wish is a wish for all of us; to stop hiding, stop feeling ashamed, and stop being embarrassed for who we are and what we want.

I give us all permission to explore our desires and our fantasies. I give us permission to claim what is our birthright—pleasure.

I do not want my daughters to own an ounce of guilt for expressing their sexuality, no matter how it manifests itself. I hope they freely explore their bodies, own their bodies, live in their bodies, enjoy their bodies and embrace all realms of giving and receiving pleasure.

I don’t want them to suffer like I have. It has taken almost 34 years for me to accept who dwells in me—a lioness who I have tamed and locked away for so long, because she scared me. I felt like a closet slut for years, until I recognized I’m no slut—I am an explosively passionate woman with a wild imagination and voracious desire for happiness and pleasure.

In my 34th year of life, I will release her completely because she deserves to live and breathe in the open, free of judgment—my judgment. She tries to ooze from my mind, my body and my heart every day and I can no longer contain her.

From adolecence to adulthood, I thought it was wrong to love sex as much as I did. I shunned my radiant imaginative desires and resisted pleasure completely. I thought it selfish, almost narcissistic to seek pleasure and attain a blissful state.

I searched in the wrong places—outside myself,  in a sexual encounter with someone I didn’t know very well or in validation from people around me. I didn’t think I deserved to feel good. I was afraid of intimacy with myself, of allowing my needs to be acknowledged and fulfilled.

I hid within my sexual experiences instead of participating in. I withheld pleasure from myself, from my life. I felt guilty for masturbating or fulfilling my fantasies. 

As I mature, I recognize the most important part of life, the gift of life is our ability to feel pleasure, to know pleasure.

God built me with the character I have, the thoughts, the desires, the body and the spirit I am meant to have in this life. I don’t need to cover up or be anyone else. Instead of trying to change, be something else–something more holy or more pure, I am meant to thrive and function as myself.

I give myself and all of us permission to stop avoiding who we are and give in to what gives us pleasure regardless of what society deems acceptable or unacceptable.

This year has gifted me–I didn’t know making love with myself had the power to usher me into a nest of self acceptance. It has transformed my ability to trust and be intimate with another person, to receive pleasure–which I never had before.

I didn’t know that the simple act of giving myself permission to feel good would change my life.

Here is my gift of permission for you:

1. Tease Yourself, Seduce Yourself—Get Naked Under Your Clothes.

I don’t wear underwear, unless (for sanitary reasons) I wear a short skirt which is a rare occurrence. I have a dresser drawer full of Hanky Pankys in a rainbow of colors that sit unharnessed to my pelvis. Why? Because it’s sexy to not wear them. I love being exposed. I am ready for pleasure at any moment. I enjoy teasing myself, seducing myself all day long.

At night, I wear a sheer slip to bed. The tingling sensation of the fabric on my skin gives me goosebumps. I love the way my nipples break through the veil of cloth. I stand in front of the mirror and I appreciate (not judge) the beauty of my body through the cloud of cotton. I separate from myself, admiring the person who stands before me yearning to be discovered, uncovered and explored.

I sleep naked—a lot. I recommend spending time every day naked. It’s a little uncomfortable at first. We are used to being naked between clothing changes, showering or having sex. What about just being naked? Enjoying the freedom of no restraints.

The first thing my daughters do when they walk in at the end of the day is strip down to nothing. They run around, do somersaults, dance. They are more comfortable naked than dressed.

When we are naked, we can’t hide—being vulnerable is vital to becoming comfortable with ourselves. Only when we are comfortable with ourselves can we be comfortable with another.

2. Act Like An Animal, Once in Awhile.

Animals are naked in every way; they don’t have manners, they don’t have clothes. They eat without utensils. They get dirty. They mate when they need to and want to, no matter who is watching.

Try being an animal once in a while.

Eat with your hands, eat foods that explode with juice allow them to coat your body and don’t rub it away. Get messy.

Allow yourself to go primal. If you have a partner, grab them and devour them as you did your food and if you are alone, devour yourself; in the middle of the living room, with the shades open, let the light in and please yourself.

3. Give In To Your Dark Side.

Give in to your desires. Your secret fantasies. Give in to your dark side. Who cares what “people” say is appropriate. If you desire it, explore it.

I enjoy watching pornography (well-executed pornography, that is).

I get turned on by watching and listening to people pleasuring each other.

I become fully invested in the experience. I pay attention to my mind and body as they respond to the stimulation. I melt into it,  and before long I find myself caressing my own body as if it were another craving me, wanting me. My flaws no longer exist, I am perfect, I am all pleasure. It is ok, more than ok to love pleasure, and watching others giving and receiving it.

4. Do it in Front of a Mirror.

I used to avoid the act of masturbation. I would listen to the urge, do it and be done. I avoided what it looked like, what I looked like and how it felt. Now, I make as much of an effort to embrace the experience during my self pleasure as I do when making love with a partner.

I use toys or just my hands, depending on my mood.

I think it is important to build a partnership with my vagina. I know her, I know how she responds, what she looks like—I am connected with her.

I get down on the floor, in front of the mirror, and I look into myself. I watch as my face changes as I become aroused and how my body reacts in climax. It is nourishing to watch myself receive pleasure.

My advice is to make masturbation a sacred practice. Practice getting turned on by, you. Grab your breasts, rake your hands down your stomach. Make love with yourself because until we can make love with ourselves, be comfortable alone, we can’t be comfortable with anyone else.

5. Write It and Read It.

Write your fantasies, write your experiences, keep typing, don’t stop, don’t think about it. Just write and then, read what you write. Read it out loud.

Our spirit lives in our words. She exposes herself within the punctuation. There is no right or wrong. If you like bondage, give into it—it is how your spirit wishes to express herself.

Just as we are all unique, different, so are our desires. We all have something we fight against, that we stuff down because we think it is wrong to want what we want. It is not.

Give in to yourself. Allow yourself to feel the pleasure you crave.

Pleasure brings us as close to our spirit as we will ever be.

Look at the children of the world– they are pleasure seekers, pleasure dwellers and they are the happiest, purest beings on the planet. They do what feels good and right for themselves. They don’t care if it is socially acceptable–they listen to their hearts and their needs.

As we age to adulthood, sexual pleasure is and can be the most profound way to connect with ourselves. Pleasuring ourselves first, understanding our needs and wants must happen before we can receive pleasure from or give pleasure to another.

Once we connect and accept our desires, we accept who we are as we are.

By Rebecca Lammersen

Like elephant journal gets sexy on Facebook.

Ed: Bryonie Wise

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About Rebecca Lammersen

Rebecca Lammersen is the founder of Yogalution, a donation based yoga studio in Scottsdale, AZ. I love being alive. I love being a mother. I love teaching yoga. I love to write. I love to know. I love to not know. I love to learn. I love to listen. I love to read. I love to travel. I love to dance. I love to help. I love to serve. That pretty much sums me up. Check out Rebecca's website and her articles at The Huffington Post. Subscribe to Rebecca's feed and never miss a post!

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54 Responses to “5 Ways To Pleasure Yourself.”

  1. Taylor says:

    This is awesome, and can be applied no matter what age. Im 21 yet still feel embarrassed about alot of things especially communicating needs with a significant other, however I feel by allowing yourself to be open and non-judmental of your own nature is practicing self love and once we get there we will be alot more free, thanks for this lovely article!

  2. Tuvanna says:

    I truly love Rebecca and agree with every single thing she says, although I am just an 18 year old girl from a totally different background & life style. I feel as if she's my grown-up personality and inner voice. I can't even describe the amazement I feel whenever i read one of her articles.. How can this be possible? How can our thoughts be this similar? I wish I could meet with this wonderful writer and be friends with her forever. .. It would be just like getting to know my future self.. WOW! What an amazing work you've done writing this one too Rebecca..

  3. Jen says:

    THANK YOU!
    Having been shunned over the years about my sexuality it is amazing and wonderful to see these words in print, many that I have thought and said to others. Gratitude! Happy Birthday!

  4. larondasue says:

    What a beautiful post! Thanks for the inspiration!

  5. Anne Falkowski Anne says:

    Bravo!

  6. Hiya Rebecca,

    Good and important points you have highlighted. To me this applies more for women versus men in the sense that the act pleasure is good at first for men, But the after effects are lowered chakra and chi/jing, Unless men have more control over their pleasure center like the practices of Tao and Kundalini. In my readings and experience men loose a lot of energy including healing energy if they "loose control" and ejaculate during pleasure. Have experienced this myself and I have discussed this with other Kundalini Yoga teachers including Tao teachers whom have attained control to a degree that they still get orgasms but dry orgasms. They all have shared the same thing that for men the issue has always been going weak and loosing something from themselves, compared to those who practice the control whom I have met seem very well centered emotionally and healthy. The Woman's energy needs to unleashed versus the Men. That it is the Man's point (in the past of course,now it can be a anyone woman and woman or by themselves) to fulfill this for the woman. And these disciplines are supposed to help the men achieve this with their partner(s).

    What women have is the ability to do what you stated above without loosing their energy. In fact if women pleasure themselves more often it helps them re-align their chakrasand chi in addition build strength,well-being and hormone regulation. So It's necessary for women! So what you have highlighted is to me VERY ESSENTIAL for women. A shame a lot of men have failed to realize this and continue to think of their own pleasure compared to delivering it.

    Peace,
    David B-)

  7. Raine says:

    Thank you Rebecca, I always knew this deep down inside but needed to hear it. No one talks about it but how liberating it is to read it here.
    xxx

  8. Pixie says:

    Amazing article. I feel very empowered!

  9. Dr. says:

    As a straight male at the age of 25 and having recently acquired herpes I found this to be incredibly helpful for my own sexual explorations/healing process. Thank you.

  10. @madgroove says:

    AMAZING and such FREEING, WORDS OF HIDDEN FEMININE TRUTH in this <3 I relate with you to a "T" from my past, Girl, though I began pleasuring myself very early on. However, there was a lot of shame surrounding it from early sexual molestation, society and the conditioned subliminal messages i spoke to myself for a long time. I've been rewriting that shit through my life choices for years, have done a lot of much needed healing work, and am trying to give myself more permission to be the girl i was so long ago, like you, a young child and teenager on FIRE, and held back quite a bit from full expression of my sexuality. But because I could not help some from escaping, lol, and though not promiscuous at that age, became a target in school for some girls jealousy and/or judgement on many occasions. I retreated, and regressed after that and became a much more wholesome "image" for others and myself. I've been trying to reverse that shit for years and bring back the best of me that never should have been shamed <3

  11. occultfan says:

    Sexual urges, what turns us on, and what we get off to all fluctuate throughout our lives.
    And it's so potent, it can get confusing when wrapped up in the ego.
    Which, it's hard not to have happen.
    There are some kinds of experiences which might seem alluring at the time,
    but after the fact, if made more than mere mental play or fantasy,
    can have catastrophic effects on a relationship, or an individual.
    There should be a more-open dialogue going on,
    but with such the nature of this topic, so many are afraid to give voice
    to their 'pure speculation alone', much less the ideas and behaviors which
    might liberate them in the end.

  12. Michael White says:

    I am just a guy. I have an incredible girlfriend who I hope to marry someday. We share our experiences of our spirit, of our spiritual. This is where our love is centered. I believe what we have is unique. When one speaks the other is truly interested. We allow each other our own opinions. I could go on. The point is that she mentioned this article. I enjoy reading things that are special to her. I love her mind her spirit. I want to know her wants, her needs. i read this article and though it is truly a "chick article" no offense, I loved the openness, The acceptance. She herself came from sexual abuse and has become the most incredible human being I know. She at times needs to be reminded at times that we are all human. That it is ok to explore things that you may want but that little voice say's that, " I don't know if I should say this or want this". We have an absolutely beautiful sex life. It is as she say's an "experience". every time. Thank you Rebecca for allowing me to know her better.

  13. THANK YOU so much for this powerful statement. As a mother, mature woman (42) and yoga teacher, this piece resonates with me on all levels. Only now am I starting to accept my own sexuality as a pure and beautiful expression of spirit in the flesh. A way to honour myself and my partner and even as a way to offer my love and serve the world around me. It’s a tricky journey with lots of mistakes, mostly having to do with my ego, but I deeply feel this is the way. Any insights and aknowledgements that support the power of our own sexual power brings us to a higher level of evolution. Thank you.

  14. soul sista says:

    Thanks so much for sharing your emerging freedom. It's true. Embracing who we are without shame is a key component in our evolutionary journey and enhances our ability to access sustainable freedom. As one who has lived very similar experiences of loss and abuse, i have had no shame about doing everything under the sun – and i mean everything (the dark side of life and i were friends for many years) and come out on the other side, even more Awake and free and settled in my Divine Feminity in a way that no longer needs to express itself in those ways – not because they were wrong or dirty, but because these experiences were enjoyed and served as a season that supported my growth into being a fully aware, powerful woman whose sexual nature does not define it – My power or Freedom . . . it is a part of ALL that i am, not central or core, but an integrated part of the Divine Feminine being that is now in a season of bursting and blossoming in ecstasy through the simple pleasures of engaging in complete intimacy – with every element of life – sexual and otherwise through ALL my senses . . . the sight of a fish jumping out of a lake, the buzz of hundreds of bees in the flowers that sit beside that water, the smell of the grass, the mere touch of my friend's leg brushing up against my calf – a smile . . . the afternoon i spend making a homemade quiche. i make love to it all . . . to the Divine nature of every element that Is – and to myself every delectable moment of the day.

    Many Blessings and LOTS of fun with enjoying this season of your life. 34 is a wonderful age to come into this awakening . . . i support your journey energetically as a new fan . . . will check out your articles!

    your soul sista!

  15. Guest says:

    Well, you did not post, nor did you privately remark about the concern I posted last night. Just like a dozen "therapists" (what a 19th century ka-ching racket that is) over the past 40 years. Silence. I do not believe human sexuality is anywhere near honestly discussed. I have googled, hopefully humbled to inept shrinks, looked and read and looked for journals. Phfft! Skim the surface. Totally agree with Occultfan.

  16. soul sista says:

    Yes — this would be a great dialogue Guest and OccultFan . . . but when this Awakening first occurs, sometimes women who have suppressed this aspect of their nature, especially because of childhood abuse, may need to revel in it a bit before they can open up to a turning tide that allows for full integration and balance of the powerful effects and gifts of the Awakening . . . let's make room for each other's experiences. We all find our level in due course, right?

  17. Jo Aldridge says:

    I just want every woman I love to read this!!

    When we free ourselves we free others. ;)

  18. Erin D. says:

    Amazing and inspiring. I became sexually active at a young age, 13. I wasn't ready emotionally, despite feeling like I would be empowered by shedding the "weakness" of inexperience. I had numerous sexual partners (some were traumatic experiences) before the marriage to my husband of twenty years. Most of my breakthroughs sexually have been with him, orgasms, feeling safe with my requests for pleasure. We have 4 children together. I feel secure in the fact that I have given my daughters (20 & 16) license to honor their own sexuality, not to fear it, but also to respect their own boundaries. The crazy thing for me is that I never even masturbated until about 6 months ago. A 43 year old woman, mother of 4, with a lot of past "experiences". It was like falling in love with someone who was new, but someone I had known my whole life. Thank you for your inspiring words. In learning to love and embrace ourselves we become more open to loving and embracing and giving to those that depend on our love.

  19. Sarah says:

    Thank you Rebecca – I thought I was the only one who felt like that (after 40 years)! Xxx

  20. Janne Robinson says:

    Just gorgeous.

  21. prmeegan says:

    Although I was mostly always comfortable in my own skin and being naked (even though I was a larger girl), I reached this period of sexual intimacy with myself around the age of 34 as well and it was SO liberating. I always had a rich fantasy life, but I was always too embarrassed or ashamed to explore it. All of a sudden, around the age of 33ish, I just let go of those prejudices and let myself experience pleasure of all varieties – sexual and otherwise – and I've never turned back. Letting go of those inhibitions and allowing myself to know, understand and accept my sexuality and my body has made me WAY happier and has made me a better lover and girlfriend. I'm now 40 and have had a couple of boyfriends since my "liberation" and, believe me, I've gotten no complaints in that department. Men tend to like it when their partners suggest watching porn or pull out toys to use together. And there's nothing wrong with that.

  22. Melody says:

    Oh my lord, sister. Can I just scream this out loud: YES YES AND YES! I love this article so much that there are not even any words… I have struggled with this for years! And at (almost 32) I am finally coming out of my shell, just as you have. This is so beautiful. Thank you so much!

  23. Anand says:

    I like it very much! This is so tantric..! Living life orgasmically..! I salute you and I congratulate for your courage to be exposed so openly.

  24. Dawn says:

    Yes! I think it is actually a wonderful gift to give our children. I don't want my daughter to think the first time she is touched by someone that it is something unique to that person-that that person is 'the one' because of how they make her body feel. I want my daughter to know that our bodies respond to stimuli. It is a wonderful experience to share but she doesn't have to stay with someone who isn't right for her, for reasons of pleasure, because she will have this wisdom.

  25. Glen says:

    Wonderful article… I was especially taken by one phrase "our spirit lives in our words". Thanks for sharing.

  26. Debbie Lortz says:

    Thank you for your candor Rebecca. It's sad that most of us in this country, especially women never become comfortable with their sensuality during the span of their lives because well, even in this day and age….it is still for the most part just plain socially unacceptable (unless you believe as the majority of society would have you believe…. That sexuality and pleasure is strictly for skanks)….. WRONG! Unfortunately due to being raised primarily by my grandmother who not only was born in the 20's, she was also born in the south! She did a fantastic job of screwing me up in many respects but especially when it comes to human sensuality and affection. Needless to say, she was extremely uncomfortable with both. I can still hear her voice as she referred to having sex as "doing the deed". Hahaha. It is only now as I turn 50 years old, AFTER my grandmother AND mother both have passed, that I am learning it's OK to pleasure myself as well as receive pleasure and I know I'm not a skank! ;) lol Thank you for letting me and many other women out there like me, that we're not alone. Blessings.

  27. tukefairy says:

    i'm 63 and grew up in the sexual revolution. having the experience, there is still always a quest for an explanation or validation that it is normal. Sexuality is not aberrant. Loving yourself is not an oddity. Being naked is natural. I always thought that since my youth but as us boomers aged we suppressed it as those before us and so our children find themselves with the same quest. It is heartening to see this from a younger person. Changing a culture is difficult and occurs……one person at a time. I want to live my life out free spirited and that includes all of my sensual nature. Our sexual being does not end with childbearing and menopause. Only a new phase begins. Embrace it and continue to explore the true essence of intimacy with ourselves, our partners and the universe. You……….go…. girl.

  28. Ethna says:

    Fantastic article that says everything I have been trying to voice to myself & others of late. It has taken me until the age of 42 & a painful divorce with lots of yoga & therapy to realise that I hid myself for years & years! We women need to get back to our true wildish selves & stop apologising for our wonderous & joyous sexuality. We have been told by society to hide ourselves for too long. A fact which leads to another question – why is society in general so afraid of strong, sexual (not to be confused with sexualised) women?

  29. Siva Das says:

    I was actually hoping that when I clicked on this article, the whole “pleasure yourself” thing wouldn’t just be about masturbation. I was envisioning an article about how to find joy in spiritual practice, such as a good meditation practice, or giving your time to do some selfless service to the bigger “self”. You can get all caught up in the story of what “your” sexuality is, but in the end, it’s just a story. Connecting to the real you isn’t about plunging into and distracting yourself with the selfish pleasures of the world, it’s about looking at the bigger picture, about looking at something bigger than your individual “self”. Here are my 5 ways to “pleasure” yourself:

    1. A good routine of yogic practice, exercise, and self-discipline, as well as keeping a good hygiene regiment and eating healthy.

    2. Minimizing personal possessions donating all excess to those who may need it more than you.

    3. Giving your time, at least as much as you can on a busy schedule, to do something helpful to those less fortunate, and keep modest about it.

    4. Finding bliss and connection with the universe in even the most “mundane” experiences.

    5. Give thanks every day for all the people in your life and experiences you have been privileged to have in this very short time on earth as this individual manifestation of the universe.

    Now, i know that most people don’t think of these things as pleasurable, but life isn’t just about pleasure, it’s about learning to grow, become a more compassionate person, and seeking to live an illuminated life worth living and sharing. It’s hard to realize your enlightened self if you are sitting around all day playing with your genitals and fantasizing about sex, and then encouraging others do the same.

    • Leilaadventure says:

      Well said! :-)

    • Sherry says:

      Life is about pleasure! All of those things you mentioned are so much more enjoyable when a person is satisfied and their energy is at full tilt. The enlightened self is also a sexual self. Burying it under good deeds and discipline is helpful to no one. Love yourself first and you will have so much more to give others.

  30. Madeleine says:

    Rebecca , I'm so happy to see this article. I am 48 and almost divorced. I have spent most of my adult life thus far shying away from that lioness, the desire for pleasure and the thought that I deserve pleasure. I have finally discovered her and feel a sense of freedom that I never had before. I'm so happy that much younger women can read this and take it to heart so they don't have to hide behind their desire for pleasure and sensuality until they are in their 40.s like I have.Your writing is brave, beautiful and cuts to the Heart. Thank you!

  31. karen katz says:

    I would love to find "good" pornography-that is not rote, mechanistic, non-sensual. I've looked at some, but often the participants look drugged, a lot of plastic surgery-and the energy feels fake-most women don't moan throughout the whole act, or come without some clitoral stimulation-where is the romantic, but sexy porn?

  32. Leilaadventure says:

    I was brought up by a free spirit, I never had issues with my body, or being in touch with desires and my animal side… It's not something I need to discover. However, I have no desire anymore, haven't for a couple of years, and there's no reason for it. It just disappeared. I'm in my mid 30s. These states of being come and go for some people. You could be a sex maniac one day and a nun the next.

  33. Jackie says:

    Fantastic. It is time for so many of us to shine without apology. Thanks for starting. I am following your lead and taking my own experiences to the world, much like you and with more and more of us, we will help women light up all over the globe. So excited!

  34. premchand says:

    self denial cannot be the founding stone of self-sustaining life. in my country a lot of women live as dependents, upon fathers and the husbands. although a lot of them have become livelihood earners, still they are just second to the male members. i think this article depicts a simple way to become self-dependant spiritually. pleasure is the purest form to release the frustration inflicted upon by the dogmatic assumptions of the society. be it sex, a novel, music or anything else that sparks the childlike soul in you. thanx to Rebecca for writing such a beautiful article.

  35. auroraeclipse says:

    I couldn't read this without crying. Hearing someone talk about their body in such an unrestrictive way makes me almost panic with self-consciousness and fear.
    I wish everyone could see their bodies the way you see yours.

  36. tessa says:

    Great read….and good to see in print. Always on the look out for ways to re-align the chakras

  37. auroraeclipse says:

    I couldn't read this without crying. Hearing someone talk about their body in such an unrestrictive way makes me almost panic with self-consciousness and fear.

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