The Jaded Heart.

Via on Oct 9, 2013

Photo credit: Pixoto

Sometimes major life events have a way of sneaking up in an everyday, mundane task.

There I was standing in the kitchen, whipping up a batch of quick-mix red velvet cupcakes. My daughter needed them for school the next day. I’m not sure now what the event was, but the requirement of last minute baked goods is a common request from kids.

The house was cold. It was early November and I was still wearing my outside jacket. My husband and I were having another disagreement about money—something that happened often. This wasn’t an “oh you are spending too much money on shoes” argument. This was about bare-bones necessities, like groceries.

I tried to stand my ground, but I was emotionally and physically exhausted. Pouring the batter into each gully of the muffin tin, I voiced the thought that had been echoing through my mind for the last year (or more).

“I don’t want to be married to you anymore.”

I opened the oven, slipped the muffin tin onto the rack and shut the door.

I can’t pinpoint when it happened, but somewhere between the day I first walked down the aisle to that life-changing scene in the kitchen, I had lost my fairytale ideology of love. It wasn’t a sudden realization or big “a-ha!” moment, but rather a gradual erosion of belief. I found myself getting cynical.

When people I knew would get engaged and then married, I would think “How long is this going to last?” Romance movies appeared sappy and fake and I absolutely detested greeting cards with long poems and inspirational sayings. More and more I pushed away anything touching or emotional by calling it stupid and rolling my eyes.

I didn’t want to feel—didn’t want to believe that anyone had love. To believe this would be too painful.

So I stood there next to the oven and let the tears flow openly. No more crying behind a locked bathroom door. It was time to not only feel the ache that had been growing, but to allow it to surface. Soon, the sweet aroma of baking cake filled the air, masking the pungent trace of mildew from our dark, wet basement.

My declaration had been met with silence and the words still hung in the air and couldn’t be taken back. Unable to move from that spot, I stood by the warming oven until my pinky toes became numb and the ding from the timer went off.

I pulled the cupcakes out. In just 30 minutes my whole life had changed and I knew everything was going to soon be different. My heart, the one I had carefully protected and hid from even myself, had been broken open.

I wiggled my toes until the feeling came back and breathed deeply. I picked up the pieces of my jaded heart and wondered how I would ever put it back together again.

No more standing still—time to move.

Like elephant love on Facebook.

Photo credit: Pixoto

Ed: Cat Beekmans

About Dana Gornall

Dana Gornall is a mom of three crazy kids and a dog. She works as a licensed massage therapist in Amherst, Ohio and is a certified sign language interpreter. She is always looking forward to even more personal growth. While not interpreting, doing massage, or being with her family she loves going to yoga. You can connect with her on Twitter and Facebook.

2,480 views

Appreciate this article? Support indie media!

(We use super-secure PayPal - but don't worry - you don't need an account with PayPal.)

12 Responses to “The Jaded Heart.”

  1. Grace James says:

    Thank you for posting – this really resonated with me. The end of my 20 year marriage, and the lead-up to that end, was shockingly similar. Now, a year and a half later, I am far happier, and I even believe in love again :)

  2. riley ridd says:

    Wonderfully written. Thank you!

  3. Edie Lazenby edie says:

    Beautiful.

  4. Debbie DeWeese says:

    You are a very strong woman. Praying that you once again feel cherished and loved the way you should be.

  5. Veronica says:

    Thank you for sharing this raw, personal moment that changed your life for the better. I love it.

  6. @ndo says:

    Wow. That is what art is all about. Taking a personal moment and elevating it to something universal and truthful. Beautiful writing. I wish you the best as you move forward.

Leave a Reply