5 Things I Find Sexy in a Woman (That Aren’t All About Sex). ~ Joe Vennare

Via Joe Vennareon Feb 21, 2014

girl

Women are beautiful.

I think it goes without saying. Even women know women are beautiful. Watch the way they look at one another. You’re all gorgeous. You know this.

Guys know it too. Yes, we’re looking. You caught us.

Most of the time we’re just browsing. Window shopping. Watching from afar.

When I do get close, the reasons I want to get close, have very little to do with looks. My list of what I find sexy in a woman is mostly about the things you can’t see.

1. Take it Off

No, not your clothes (not yet!). I’m referring to your makeup. I’m attracted to natural beauty. I want a woman who is secure enough to know that she doesn’t have to get made up for me—or anyone else. Honestly, I didn’t notice that blemish. I don’t care about your concealer. I’m looking into your eyes, listening to your words. I’m fawning over your smile. Covergirl can’t make those things any more beautiful than they already are.

Photo: Pinterest2. Free yourself

The world is an incredible place. I want to breath it in. To touch it and see it and experience it. The people and the places. All of it.

That’s why I need a woman who wanders. She wanders because she doesn’t know any other way. She gets cabin fever when she’s outside. She gets lost in the woods and in her dreams. She explores new cities, countries, continents, cultures and chapter after chapter of her favorite book.

She always has a book handy. A notebook too. She writes words and makes art. Her mind is as free as her spirit. The only things more expansive than the list of places she’s been are her vocabulary, her passions and the list of places she still wants to go.

She wants me to go with her too. Happiness is only real when shared she says, quoting Into the Wild. Because this woman has read Into the Wild. She’s practically memorized it. Her copy of this book has the dog ears and marginalia to prove it.

Still, if I can’t go, she’ll go anyway. I love that about her.

3. Fly Solo

To say that she’s independent does her a great disservice. She’s cool doing her own thing. She likes her “me time”. But, she doesn’t want to be alone. She wants to be with me. She told me so. I melt when she does.star trek bicycle

She’s not independent in a hard-ass kind of way. She’s not cold. Still some people are threatened by the fact that she can hold her own. She’s not afraid to tell you what she thinks. To point out why you’re wrong. But she listens when I talk. Remembers the details. Asks thoughtful questions. Gives stellar answers. She’s a conversationalist. She’s articulate. And well spoken. It intimidates some people. It bores others. It turns me on.

It’s just that she’s comfortable in her own skin. She knows that I can’t make her whole. She doesn’t expect me to. She’s all over it, working on herself. Self-actualized. Aware. Mindful. Introspective. Thoughtful.

I do want to help though. To inspire her. Support her. Make her go further than she would go on her own. I believe in her.

Yes, I am going to push her. I need her to push back.

I’m going to ask tough questions. I need to understand her.

I want her to have what she wants. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure she gets it. But she doesn’t want things. Money can’t buy what she wants, what we want.

I’m talking about happiness. Honesty. Closeness. Fulfillment. Trust. Authenticity. Connection. Communication.

We both know that those things take hard work. She’s game. I guess she’s not flying solo after all. She could if she had to. But we’re navigating this journey together.

Sara Lewis4. All Grown Up

Have you noticed that the sexy being I’ve been describing is a woman, not a girl?

Girls are petty and immature. They play games. Fish for compliments. Go clubbing. Throw tantrums. Girls need attention.

Sure the woman I’ve been describing likes attention. I like giving it to her. But what she’s really after is respect. She knows that it’s earned so she respects herself and her body. She respects me.

Yes, she’s a big girl. A grown up. That doesn’t mean that she’s itching to put down roots and pop out babies. Although she’s mature enough to talk about those things with me. There’s no rush. No pressure. When it’s time, and she knows it’s right, we’ll plan our future. It doesn’t scare her. It excites her. I’m excited too.

5. Come Closer

Yes. Please. All of you! I’m literally going to kiss every single inch of your body. It’s your fault. Stop looking so good.

I can’t help myself when she’s around. She could be sitting on the couch in her pajamas reading a book. I want to jump her. Especially when she’s wearing that sundress and flip flops. Her hair falling in front of her face. She brushes it back behind her ear. Those eyes. Those lips. It’s all over.

Do you know the best part? She is fighting the same battle.

She never kisses me and doesn’t mean it. I’m telling you. Every single kiss is the best kiss. I don’t know how it’s possible. And the sex is like the kisses. Every time is the best time.

She likes when I’m in control. But, isn’t afraid to take over. She prefers that I make the first move. But she won’t hesitate to initiate. I told you, she wants me the way that I want her.

Either way, every way, every position and speed and location is epic because we have an emotional connection that makes it so. We work on making it good the same way we work on ourselves and each other.

We can talk about it when it’s over, before it starts or in the middle of the day. We can talk about what we like and don’t like and want to try. We can talk about everything. Nothing is off limits. That openness. That kind of communication makes our relationship better. It makes the sex better. It brings us closer together.

Do you want to know the sexiest thing about her?

No matter how close we get, clothes or not, we’ll never be close enough. She wants to keep trying. And so do I.

 

~

Relephant:

10 Things I Find Sexy in a Man (that Aren’t All About Sex).

 

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Editorial Assistant: Cami Krueger / Editor: Rachel Nussbaum

Photo: elephant archives

About Joe Vennare

Joe Vennare is a freelance writer, fitness professional and entrepreneur. He’s obsessed with exercise, education and entrepreneurship as a means of continual evolution. You can connect with Joe on his website.

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62 Responses to “5 Things I Find Sexy in a Woman (That Aren’t All About Sex). ~ Joe Vennare”

  1. Lauren Fisco says:

    Love this…Thank you for putting into words what women think…want…need…from their man…When they get this….Their men become kings! You get it my friend…you most certainly get it…single…married. ..alone…all women, who have an emotional backbone…want this….maybe it will help men and women articulate more clearly how to love and be loved. ..just simply…Thank you

  2. Summer says:

    I LOVE this.

  3. E.X. says:

    To be in such a relationship is a true blessing. This article made me tear up because it reminds me so much of what I have… It’s beautiful. Magical. Irreplaceable. Thank you for your inspiring and genuine words!

  4. Mark says:

    I would like to add "a smile." A simple smile. What a rush!

  5. Karin Ebner says:

    Thank you. <3

  6. michael says:

    I agree with everything in this article. Issue number 1 (makeup) is one of my greatest confusions about women. I wish someone would write an article titled, "Why your girlfriend keeps wearing makeup even though you constantly tell her how beautiful she is without makeup and how makeup does nothing except diminish her beauty." Honestly — I have never met a woman who looks better with makeup than without.

    • Taylor says:

      Have you ever though about the fact that maybe women DONT wear makeup for men, but rather because they enjoy it? Many women are perfectly confident without it, its a hobby for some, so stop judging and telling us that because YOU don't like it we shouldn't wear it. Its not for you.

    • Nina says:

      Michael, Glad you like the natural woman…. but maybe you could consider the thought "she" likes how "she" looks with her make up on and it doesn't have anything to do with your opinion?

  7. Barbara says:

    Oh my goodness…this makes my heart thump with recognition.

  8. Martine says:

    Honestly, how am I supposed to live up to that? All it does is put even more pressure on me.

    • Irene says:

      I am this woman.

      I don't wear make up because I am lazy. I don't own cute clothes because I think they are a waste of time. I care very little about my looks. I don't look like the models in the stock images because they are styled by people who care a lot about appearance and are most definitely wearing makeup. I am independent and complete, but I am focused on my career and need someone to support me in the rare occasion that stress at work reduces me to an ugly cry or emotional tantrum. I like to wander, but sometimes I can't go because I have other responsibilities and getting my shit done, building my presence in the community, taking care of my family is more important than wandering aimlessly looking for myself. I like "Into the Wild" and it's dog eared with marginalia because it is about a stupid person and I don't want to live my life like him. I am a sensual person, but sometimes kissing me will feel like a chore. Sometimes sex just isn't that great. That's life and committed relationships. Sometimes I won't like you very much. Sometimes I will be in my pajamas reading a book and you touching me will be the last thing I want. It is not my fault that I am too attractive and you feel rejected, it is your sense of entitlement.

      Don't aspire to be this woman as she exists in this article. She is a shell of a human.

    • Nina says:

      AGREED! geeeeezzzeeeee

  9. Natalie Lyman says:

    I think this article is unbelievably pretentious. What are you bringing to the table to have such lofty expectations of your partner?

    • crn says:

      Perhaps you should ask his partner, who apparently approves of him.

    • Joe Vennare says:

      Thanks for reading and commenting Natalie.

      To answer your question – I'm bringing everything I have, every day to be a better version of myself. I will work for the women I choose to be with. To meet and exceed her expectations. I might not be bringing much at the onset. She will get everything I can muster. Together, we'll exceed these ideals (not expectations)

      • Jo Phee says:

        I posted your article on my FB. everyone loves it. men and women. thank you!

      • Sheila says:

        Kiss your parents for me for raising a great man, and thank you for proving that there is a man out there with the same expectations for a woman as I have for a man.

      • Sonal says:

        Great article. Yes, there are women in this world who appreciate a man who can understand and respect them for who they are, not for what they want them to be.

        By the way, Joe, YOU sound like what I want. Gimme your number!
        (Kidding. Or maybe not..)

  10. Coley says:

    Wow! While describing what you find sexy in a woman you end up describing the sexy kind of man I am looking for. Thank you for your honesty.

  11. Jeanette says:

    I appreciate that you shared this with the readers Joe. It truly speaks from the heart, and I believe the foundation to a great relationship. Hopefully I’ll find a counterpart who appreciates these things in me as well.

  12. Arista says:

    I've never read something so inspiring. Thank you for this.

  13. Lisa says:

    I wish with all my heart that I could find a love like this..

  14. Rasa says:

    ahm…wow :)

  15. shae8 says:

    This is a breathtakingly beautiful explanation. I'm so happy to have stumbled upon it and reading the whole text. You have an assertiveness to your writing that is both charming and eloquent! Lovely!!!

  16. Joan says:

    Perhaps, just perhaps, we don’t wear make up for you, or any other man. Perhaps we do things for ourselves.

  17. Jessie says:

    As a solo person who moved overseas to work, I find this was a pleasantly refreshing read. I'm an international teacher so I am sensitive to the pressures we put on girls/women but I would argue that most of these things at the foundation a parent would want for a daughter, a women would want for herself. While the international expat scene changes you in amazing ways forever, it can be a lonely one for some. With that said, it's nice to reiterate that the experiences that make you wiser, more independent, more open-minded that we, as women know are invaluable to our sense of self, are indeed "attractive". I also think that goes both ways.

  18. Gena says:

    What a great article – I relate 100%!

  19. Greg says:

    Very well written. When one finds this, it is truly an amazing and beautiful thing.

  20. Sarah Wilson-Jones says:

    Reading this raises my trust in the universe! If you want this in a relationship, maybe there are other guys who want this also… because it sounds exactly how I want to "be" in a relationship, and how I think I tend to be already. I have gotten practice with this in my intimate friendships, reading this makes me feel more hopeful that someday it will also translate into a romantic relationship.

  21. Jen says:

    Love this! So well written, from the heart…. Looking for the same in a man….

  22. Tammy says:

    I like all points except the first one. Makeup can simply be a form of self expression. I am as comfortable without makeup as I am with it on. I love it, I am an artist and enjoy painting not only canvas but my face. I watch videos and explore different eras and styles to suit my mood for the day. Not all women who choose make up are choosing to hide behind it.

    • stella says:

      I love wearing make-up as well… and I do so anytime of day. …be that even while hiking (my face deserves the dignity if I chose it) or even during a yoga teacher training. Recently, I received backlash for putting make-up on each day before such training. Needless to say, I didn't NEED to wear make-up to this activity, but it was my way to keep something about myself while I was treated as just a "number"– as we were treated in said training. Oddly enough, on our 1-day off, I chose to go into town not wearing any make-up and bumped into those peers who during training didn't wear any- but had painted faces on our day off. To each their own! We're all entitled to self-expression on our own journey's. Thank you, Tammy.

  23. katie says:

    I live the sentiment of this article, though one sentence really sticks out. Saying that “it’s your fault, stop looking so good” is the same argument date rapists make. Being really attracted to your partner is one thing, blaming them for your advances is another.

    • Joe Vennare says:

      Really, Katie? That's what you took my words to mean? unwarranted advances are always unacceptable. The fact that I am so stimulated by my partner – spiritually, emotionally, physically, intellectually, creatively – is what I was referring to.

  24. Kati says:

    Thank you <3

  25. Kayleigh says:

    You know, saying what is the opposite of a social construct is no less trite than the construct itself. 1) Make up is fun. It's like paint, sculpture and a history lesson on my face, everyday. And guess what? Sometimes, I don't feel like wearing make up and I'm beautiful both ways because it's always ME. 2) Someone who's free? A woman reading Into The Wild is free? That book isn't written by a woman or for a woman and, as a woman, I don't find it entirely relatable. I find him an incredibly lonely individual who found solace in a place that he didn't understand and eventually rejected him (harsh, I know). Not free. Yes, the wilderness is beautiful and exotic locales are beautiful and women in the wilderness/exotic locales are beautiful. They're also beautiful in cities, on the couch, with baby spit up on their shirts, or just so tired from life that they need a nap. Stop idealizing, please. 3) I am so sad that you feel it is necessary to distinguish that a woman should be independent. All women are independent because they are autonomous human beings. 4) This may come as a shock to you but women go clubbing, too, because many of them like any combination of music, dancing, drinks and friends. Also, a woman is no less a woman just because she throws tantrums and fishes for compliments. If you were a kind and caring man who had won her affections, you'd take the time to find out why she does that because that's what compassionate humans do. If she is 18+ and identifies as female, she's a woman. There is no discussion to be had on that. 5) Are you aware that successful long term relationships go through cycles that lack physical intimacy or that they also go through cycles that lack emotional intimacy, sometimes at the same time? Why do they keep going? Some explanations are beautiful and some are rather mundane. In my opinion, the "why" doesn't matter at all. What matters is that most people crave it and should have realistical expectations about what it is that they're looking for. What you have written does not convey any insight into the beautiful intricacies of a sexy woman, or man, for that matter. What makes someone sexy translates across gender lines pretty easily when it's not about stereotypes. I think you're talking about a literate wood nymph (they probably don't go to clubs).

    • Christine says:

      I found your response to be equally pleasing. Though I don't agree with you, as a woman the author's intent still resonates with me and I found your response to be the replica of that which the author speaks. You're beautiful because you are naked in your thinking; not willing to go along with the melodies of his romanticizing. You are independent because you choose to look and feel how you want for no one else but yourself. You look very sexy to me-no makeup needed.

    • erica says:

      I second Christine's reply for the most part, but also wanted to add that, I do think there's a difference between autonomy and independence. It's subtle, but it's there. Often, independence eschews the idea that we are actually interdependent, always. But autonomy inplies we are capable of self-regulating and existing as individuals who are interdependent on one another. And, I would also say that just because you're 18+ doesn't mean you're automatically a 'man' or a 'woman'. I think many adults lack the emotional maturity–and autonomy–to be accurately represented with the label 'man' and 'woman'. No, clubbing is not an accurate representation fo what makes a "man" or "woman", but I appreciate the metaphor he's using to describe what is often a stereotype of game playing and manipulation attributed to the general club-going demographic. And it's that game playing that he's really speaking to.

      I get where you're coming from, but I wonder if there's a place to take this, not as some unordered checklist of the perfect woman, but for the romantic ideal of partnership it is? I, too, am a woman who likes to go to clubs from time to time. Sometimes, I wear makeup for fun. I read Into the Wild, but it didn't resonate with me. However, I relate to my fella much like this article and it's the most beautiful relationship experience I've ever had. Sure, substitute Rilke for Into the Wilde, or flip the script on how my man is willing to fly solo and the picture of this supposed ideal becomes a reality when two partners are working–regardless of their circumstance–towards mutually shared definitions, dropping assumptions, communicating with compassion, and cultivating a wonderfully present attitude. It doesn't mean things don't ebb and flow between us; it means we communicate about those changing tides honestly, authentically, and openly, and it brings us constantly closer together, just as this romantic ideal suggests.

    • Nina says:

      Well stated Ms Kayleigh, well stated!

    • baba says:

      You nailed this and thank you. I read this post and thought WTF? You however, quite eloquently put that into words. Thank you, I actually thought the post was joking at first but sadly not.

  26. Jo says:

    Nice work Joe, beautifully written, and I couldn’t say it better myself.

  27. Reaan Fourie says:

    Beautifully written! May you and your woman go a long way :-)

  28. Reaan Fourie says:

    Beautifullly written! May you and your woman go a long way :-)

  29. Kimberly says:

    Loved it !

  30. Madeleine says:

    Great article, Joe! I loved it!

  31. Julija says:

    It looks like the letter to universe to ask that kind of women :) thank you for sharing your vision : ) I fell in love with it. :) good luck and thank you for inspiration :)

  32. Ash Constance Ash says:

    Beautiful Joe! Thank you for sharing!
    Warmly,
    Ash Constance

  33. JMKB says:

    I think that people who are generally offended by the idealism in this article may be missing the point. The author is not saying that, in order for any woman to be attractive, she must meet these qualifications. What the author is trying to convey is that for him (and likely others), sex appeal is not limited to boobs/butt/things classically oriented with sex appeal– rather, there are things that he deeply appreciates about interacting with a woman who is equivocally attracted to him who shares similar qualities and interests. This is an article that details depth of an attraction based on the spirit of his partner, the communication they share, and the mutual attraction they possess. I am in general appreciative of the sentiments expressed, as I can relate and value several of the mentioned attributes about my husband.

    However–I, too, am annoyed by the clubbing/tantrum/attention comment. I wonder if the author has found a woman who has never experienced the feeling of being "hangry" (anger as a direct result of hunger) or who is one of the lucky ones among us who simply doesn't ever have PMS. If you value that she tells you what's on her mind, her letting you know that she'd be happier with more attention from you shouldn't be an issue. And clubbing can have so many different meanings– but just know that even the most down to earth, kind hearted, wanderlusty lady can still reasonably enjoy a night out every once in a while that involves alcohol, makeup, dancing to catchy pop music and wearing ridiculously sparkly/sexed up clothes with her friends.

    • Joe Vennare says:

      Thanks for reading and sharing your insights! Sorry that you were "annoyed." To clarify — I'm not searching for perfection, rather a standard. Certainly everyone has a bad day, the same way everyone (man or women) enjoys a night out every now and then.

      My point is this – that's not their standard. Their standard is progress and passion, compassion and connection. Form my personal experience you're unlikely to find those characteristics in someone (man or woman) who is hanging out in the club Tuesday night, complaining about how bad their life is while doing nothing to change it.

      Hangry, PMS, stressed, sad, overwhelmed – WHATEVER – I'm there. I want to hear about it and listen and do my part to make it better. Because their standard is the same as mine – always WORKING to grow closer, to communicate and create the kind of love we can't live without

  34. irene says:

    4 words, a million eye-rolls: MANIC PIXIE DREAM GIRL. The biggest cliché ever for a young male writer of our time.

    This girl does not exist because she is a shell of a human. And if she did exist you would find her undateable because those positive aspects seem to be overlying some serious problems.

    Humans have feelings, negative and positive and if you really love a woman, she should be able to have tantrums, be a little needy, be unattractive sometimes, and even go to a nightclub, and you’d love her anyway.

    • Joe Vennare says:

      I appreciate your insights Irene. I'd encourage you see my other comment – about the club, tantrums etc. But, I believe this women does exist. If not, I am going to get as close as I can. That's my choice, I suppose.

      • Kim says:

        It’s hard to believe as I read through the comments that anyone could find this offensive in any way, I totally got it! What a lucky woman she is. Loved this! that you are so sure of it is beautiful. Thank you

  35. Paula says:

    If the woman was physically unattractive to begin with, but still had all of these traits and qualities, would you still find her "sexy"? Probably not. Because if a woman is not attractive, she is immediately dismissed by some men, and those men can't get past that and see her other qualities. So that "disqualifies" a huge percentage of the women out there.

    My pet peeve is when men say that it isn't just about looks and physical attraction, that all of these other things matter, yet if there isn't physical attraction immediately they can't get past that. The first thing you mention is that she should have "natural beauty," without makeup. Hmmm. So–that's the first thing that you notice, and everything else is secondary. If she REALLY had all of those other great qualities, but she was not so pretty, so wore makeup the same way that some might wear a flattering outfit or accessories, would you immediately dismiss her? Probably.

    My other pet peeve is the double standard that exists: That women are expected to not care so much about looks when it comes to men, that they are expected to show interest in men much older than themselves, that they are expected to show interest in men that are less physically attractive than they are (asymmetry in this regard favors the male in the relationship). Why? Because supposedly women aren't ruled by their sex drive the way that men are and are supposed to admire men for their intelligence, creativity, sense of humor, and ability to be good providers. Women are seen by many men as sexless after age fifty or after menopause, so many older men feel they have to seek younger women because they still have a high sex drive.

    I am tired of all of these impossible to meet standards. I think that men out there still fantasize about "the girl next door." Just look at the photos that accompany this article.

  36. myuniverseandi says:

    I really enjoyed this article, fantastic read!

  37. Justine says:

    I can only go on how my gut reacts to this article. Thank you so much for taking the time to think and put your words down …. But I feel it’s not the true reflection of how I wish to be perceived & accepted. As a single mum, recently turned 40, yoga teacher, community worker, citizen of Northern Ireland (totally relevant)….I see myself in a much more complex, beautiful delight/light . Much much more than reduced to a list of sorts.

    I totally get your vibe in your search …..but we are what we are:)

  38. jae says:

    I’ve seen this post in my Facebook newsfeed a few times. This morning I took the bate. Honestly tho, I didn’t love it. I relate to the details in some of the comments above: it just sounds like you’re saying I love you as a whole! And then you describe a pretty conventional version of the ideal woman. I call her Hot Easy-Going Girl, and I have struggled with not being her for a long time, and I do myself a disservice by rejecting the parts of myself that don’t fit the “shell” as one commenter put it. I sense that your girl doesn’t shave but still has culturally-acceptable amounts of body hair. She comes every time you have sex. Her BO is sweet, as is her breath first thing in the morning. She won’t have fertility issues after the age of 35. She doesn’t get PMS that throws her into a state of rage/a sobbing mess, or worse. It’s like that other Elephant piece with the thin almost-hairless white woman who has finally accepted her body enough to post nude pics of herself online. I’m not sure I know how to say all this without sounding cranky (Hot Easy-Going Girl would) but I don’t need to read about this kind of ideal.

  39. Ania says:

    I love it when people write such lovely articles about me ;)

  40. valerie says:

    Simply beautiful. One of, if not, the most beautiful article i've ever read. God blesses us with gifts for a reason, to be shared. Thank you author. for your truth. This is love x

  41. Jelly says:

    I'm a sceptic because I think this article is creepy. I wouldn't want a guy being too bedazzled by me. Let's be realistic and cut the fluff. Also I'm sceptical because there are MANY wonderful women like these out there all over the world and yet men are in real life intimidated by them so they're very single or else they're gay. (Sorry guys!) :) But go ahead and dream anyways. Never hurts to have the head in the clouds once in awhile.

  42. Ed83 says:

    Reading this article is like being subjected an over-long patronising One Direction song.

  43. Tea says:

    I think (hope) the author was speaking about what is sexy to him about his girlfriend…they are happy to have found oneanother. It's not a general definition of 'being sexy'

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