Mirror, Mirror on the Wall…30 Traits of a Narcissist.

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on Jun 5, 2015
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Mirror, mirror on the wall…the narcissist wants to be fairest of them all.

I often consider the narcissist personality as being similar to the Jekyll and Hyde character, two opposing sides of a scale that never finds an equilibrium. When involved with a narcissist, there never seems to be any balance.

Relationships or dealings with people who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder can have an enormous impact on our well-being due to the toxic amount of energy that these interactions can produce.

The narcissist is skilled at trickery and a master of deception and they will always manage to find the right angle to twist the finger to point the blame away from themselves, so that those around them are held accountable for any wrong doings.

The narcissist personality type is often seen as being associated with vanity and self-absorption, however the full extent of the characteristics that associate with this type of person are far more extreme.

Like with most things, there is a spectrum. Some will have mild symptoms of narcissism, others will align and identify strongly.

I believe that the majority of us carry some traits of the narcissistic personality type. Mainly because we aren’t always able or willing to see the full truth of who we are within. We push ourselves, build ourselves up and often the opinions we have of ourselves are a little unrealistic and don’t fully align with our authentic selves.

Although a narcissist is thought of as being “in love with them selves,” it is more often the case that they are only in love with the idyllic image of themselves they perceive and wish was the truth.

Deep down within a narcissist can live self-destructive and crippling self-doubt coupled with extremely low self-esteem.

A narcissist is often the child of narcissistic parents, who may have built up their esteem by telling the child how special, amazing and gifted they are and how they would go on to do great things—but then offered no solid foundations or stability from where the child could function.

A narcissist’s parents will often have been so wrapped up in themselves they will only have paid attention to the child when it suited their needs. So, the child swings from very little love and attention to the opposite, receiving love and attention in abundance, usually to the parent’s benefit and the child’s detriment.

The narcissist personality type takes on a grandiose opinion of their self, often seeing themselves as superior and far better than others. They often have very big personalities due to their superior belief about themselves and can be very magnetic and charming at times. This is so they are capable of captivating others so that they are capable of manipulating others for their own needs.

The beginning of a relationship with a narcissist can feel like an addictive and intoxicating fairy tale with the narcissist playing the role of the charming prince or princess and their partner being completely swept off their feet. Narcissists will fall into (what appears to be) love and want to commit very quickly, however, as time passes and their partner starts to see the truth of what’s within, problems can quickly arise as the relationship begins to break down.

If the partner of a narcissist tries to address the issues, the narcissists will go into meltdown and complete denial, often attacking their partner with accusations in a poor attempt at defending themselves, or go for the vulnerable sensitive approach. A narcissist will always be correct, so getting into any kind of debate, argument or dialogue where faults are concerned will most often prove futile.

When it comes to right or wrong, a narcissist has an impulsive desire to ensure they are right regardless of the cost. If being right costs them friends, family or relationships, they will most often suffer the consequences of the loss rather than admit to being wrong. However, they will put up a defensive and destructive battle of wills beforehand.

A narcissist will basically role-play and respond in whatever manipulative manner that garners the best response. If they are up against a strong, determined and independent person they will move into the role of a sensitive, loving, caring and vulnerable character. If they interact with a codependent personality type, they will likely move into the role of aggressor.

There can be confusion when identifying a narcissist, as it is very healthy to have self-love, self-worth, to have our own desires, wants and needs and also to value our selves highly.

However, when these things derive from an internally wounded place, one of self-loathing, low self-esteem and deep-rooted insecurities that have not been addressed and when someone needs other people’s admiration and validation to make themselves feel good, this is when the narcissist personality arises.

Everyone likes to feel as though they are important and worthy, but the narcissist has an unrealistic perception of themselves, and they require other people to constantly boost and validate their opinions so that their feelings of worthiness remain at an elevated height.

If they do not meet with regular approval or if they are criticised, they will be sure to speak loudly and make their perceived self-worth known.

A narcissist will drain the other person of their energy. Like a vampire they will suck the life from their partner so that they are weak and far easier to manipulate. All the energy that is taken will boost the narcissist’s ego and their own energy levels. This suits the narcissist as it keeps them firmly where they need to sit, high above looking down.

They will often verbally attack another person using insults and put-downs to make them feel confused and disoriented so that others surrender easily and this keeps the illusion strong in the narcissist’s mind that they are the more powerful and significantly better person.

A narcissist will try to keep their opponent deep within the chaos so that they remain submerged and willing to tend to their needy attention seeking and demanding requests.

Knowledge is power; the more we know about a condition the more likelihood we have of understanding it and dealing with it. That is when we are in a position to take all the steps necessary to protect and prepare ourselves so that the narcissist can no longer keep us tangled and cocooned in their sticky and endlessly spun web of lies.

If closure is something that is sought after it can often be difficult to achieve when dealing with a narcissist as they will beg, plead, persuade, charm and use every trick in the book to place the other person back into the safety of their web.

A relationship with a narcissist can be emotionally distressing, feeling like a roller coaster going from one extreme to the next. When a narcissist is receiving all the attention then things will be great for them and they will be at their happiest, but as soon as this diminishes they will quickly manipulate the situation and may play the role of charmer, or even an aggressor.

If there are any concerns for emotional or physical safety, it is always best to seek help, either together or separately.

A relationship or interaction with a narcissist is an illusion, as nothing with a narcissist is actually as it seems. Their inner truth remains deeply hidden and they will only reveal what they carefully choose to show. The key is to understand why the connection has taken place, recognise why the attraction was so strong and learn as much about a narcissistic personality as possible so that informative decisions can be made about the current relationship and also to be wary of falling into another one again.

Disclaimer: For anyone who feels that they need further information or help for themselves, or for someone they know, there is more information to be found below. This is just a basic outline of the personality type and there is help available for more detailed explanations or support.

For those who have been affected by a relationship with a narcissist, try not to feel responsible for their behaviour or feel foolish for not seeing signs sooner. A narcissist has often developed magnetising qualities and a seductive charm as they need these things in order to ensure the mask they wear is never questioned or removed.

A game of manipulation has been played and the only way to end the game is to regain self-confidence and take back control.

Some key traits to recognising a narcissist are:

Charismatic
Charming
Controlling
Conceited
Inflated self-perception
Creates drama/over dramatic
Likes to be in the spotlight
Exaggerates their achievements
Requires constant admiration
Takes advantage of others
Compulsive liar
Cannot deal with criticism
Gets hurt easily
Extremely jealous
Appear strong on the surface
Desire for power
Difficulty understanding other people’s emotions
Lack empathy
Need control
Needy Behaviour
Centre of attention
Inauthentic
Highly Dominant
Attention seeking

 
Further Information:

Narcissist Personality Disorder

Narcissist Support Group

 

Relephant:

A Narcissist & an Empath Walk Into a Bar: Understanding the Dynamic of Abuse.

 

BONUS Videos:

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Author: Alex Myles

Editor: Travis May

Photos: Matteo Bagnoli/Flickr


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About Alex Myles

Alex Myles is qualified as a Yoga teacher, Reiki Master, Teacher of Tibetan Meditation, Dragon Magic and a Spiritual coach to name just a few. Alex has no intention to teach others on a formal basis for many years to come, instead, she is collecting qualifications along with life’s lessons. One day, when the time is right, Alex will set up a quaint studio, in a quirky crooked building where she will breathe and appreciate the slowness of those days as life is just way too busy right now! Reading and writing has always been one of Alex’s passions. Alex likes to consider herself as a free spirit rather than a commitment-phobe. Trying to live as aligned to a Buddhist lifestyle as is possible in this day and age, she just does not believe in "owning" anything or anyone. Based on the theory that we ‘cannot lose someone that was not ours to lose’ she flails through life finding joy and magic in the most unexpected places. Mother to a 21 year old daughter and three adorable pups, she appreciates that some of the best moments in life are the 6am forest walks watching the dogs run, play and interact with one another and with nature. Connect with her on Facebook and check out her blog, Love and Madness. 

Comments

61 Responses to “Mirror, Mirror on the Wall…30 Traits of a Narcissist.”

  1. jenfnp says:

    Was married to a narcissist for a decade. Took me a long time to put myself back together again and be ready for another relationship (24 years). Glad I took the time to heal and to understand why I was attracted to this personality type.

  2. Mjelly says:

    Thank you for reiterating that you cannot have closure with a narcissist. My alcoholic narcissistic father is deceased and I've yet to get full closure and my narcissistic ex husband is finally gone for good and I've been seeking closure…which is unrealistic. You accept the fact that the rhyme and reason is in the fact that they are narcisstic, and you move forward to heal yourself. Save yourself, you cannot save anyone else nor can you make sense of it. Inhale. Exhale.

    • Brenda says:

      You are so right. I just got out of a 5 month long relationship with a narcissist and it had me so down and low and even now 4 months later Im still torn over it,,,,they have no real feelings inside them but they sure know how to make you fall in love with them and quickly. He was always saying all he wanted from me was my heart then after he got it and I finally stopped the money flow then he no longer needed me in his life so he starts ignoring me and acting like him and I were never together and like he doesnt even know me. I told him I loved him and all he could say was " I cant help how you feel" very coldly too, and that was the end of that,,,,he wont speak to me or even acknowledge my existance!! Sad people are like that,,,,one side of him is so good and lovable (seemin
      gly) but the other,,,WOW!!

  3. sarah says:

    i respectfully disagree. i have encountered many narcissists who not only don't want to be right but love being wrong. the complete opposite end of the spectrum. as long as it is about THEM, that's what is important. oh I ruined it. oh I should have done this. oh it was MY fault. an idea that they have control over everything…. it's not always the confident ones. sometimes it's the wallowing in self pity ones. the key is SELF.

    • Jen says:

      Wow, you just gave me shivers… I'm just learning about this disorder and my boyfriend is exactly that – always wallowing in self pity and victimizing himself opposed to the always being right. But he certainly checks off majority of the other boxes. thanks Sarah for chiming in…

    • court says:

      ive been stuck in that mind trap myself actually from time to time, like phases? its no better of a way to go, but for me it comes from always feeling the blame ur whole life, so then u try and seek responsibility in each situation so that you can fix it or atleast try and learn from it and do better <3 plus everyone tells you that its healthy to assume responsibility than to remain the victim this is what stumps me all the time is how everything taught for how to try healthier ways etc with people and self care, it all contradicts! so it gets pretty confusing <3

      • court says:

        just to add another piece of the perspective puzzle to maybe consider too, ? <3

        • court says:

          in my case, im pretty sure that it doesn't make me a narc, just because i try really hard never to ask for anything and i dont do that whole mindgame hinting thing lol or b disrespectful of anybody even when they might really deserve it! lol its hard sometimes keeping your composure and being kind still to those that are mean to you lol i struggle but im trying lol and even in a fight etc i never need to seek the validation or approval or u know people to b on my side etc lol because i think, thats not fair to them ya know? to put them in the middle plus its childish, but at some point too, on a deeper level if everything can classify as something none of us wants to be, are we just striving for perfection. :/ so they might b, but, they might not be too <3

    • shellie says:

      sarah, you hit the nail on the head. Every time I would bring u0p something my ex had done to hurt me, he would start with the …… I just can't get it right, I am a F up and you deserve better, you need to just leave me and find someone who can treat you like you need. So, now he has taught me the lesson of…….. IF you DARE to criticize me, I will have you out the door and YOU will have to live with knowing you did it.

      • Stacy says:

        Them bringing themselves down, is a ploy (aka manipulation), to get you to say what they want to hear, i.e. “No, honey you aren’t a terrible awful manipulative person, you are *insert compliments here*”. That is their angle with this tactic, as there is ALWAYS an angle with them. Mostly women will buy into it too and think their man is “coming around”. Nope. It’s just an abusive, never ending cycle. They just tell you what YOU want to hear so that they can hear what they want to hear.

  4. Honey says:

    i live with a person where everything is all about them. Everything is just fine if it is going his way as he planned, if I fit into that great (in his mind) When I come home I’m not sure “who” will be there. Jekyll or Hyde. Accusations fly, about where I have been (I work, he is retired) I feel suppressed and out of balance around him. We cannot have a real conversation as it becomes twisted and disorienting. People on the outside sing his praises constantly. This makes me feel as if I’m crazy for wanting to leave. He is charming and fun to be around, life of the party who wouldn’t want to be around such a person, unless one is around him all of the time and sees who lives under that skin.

    I have never read anything that has completely described the person I live with like this article. Physically he has never hurt me, but his words and actions cut much deeper. His need to always be right and insecurity is too much. I do have a plan in motion to leave. I tried to leave twice before. This time I have finally reached out for help so that I can follow through and begin again. I have secured a place hundreds of miles away. Because across town is just not far enough away. Thank you for writing this, it truly shows me I am not at all crazy. It actually seemed to boost my spirit, re-enforce my leaving is a good thing for me and add to my healing process.

    • G29 says:

      I can relate to feeling like you're stuck in a situation with people who are 'praised' in public and so you feel unseen. If that is what you're saying… I have that experience.

    • Alone says:

      I'm in a similar place. I have tried to leave a narcissist . . .you are an inspiration. The words are so damaging. The eggshells you are on at all times . . .the crazy-making talk and you are always to blame. Stay strong. I hope to be free like you will be.

    • JU5TICE says:

      Hello I stumbled upon NPD several years ago researching my now Exs traits. I had no idea who and what I married. When I felt strong enough to leave with our 5 year old daughter, I did just that. However 2 years later he has joint custody and works through our daughter now for his feeds. I inform people of NPD when ever I can. I thought I was free from the web but I am not because a child is in the middle. I've done everything I know to do but no one can help. That's the worst pain of all. I'm always open to suggestions. If anyone has any. Your story Honey hit home.

    • Guest says:

      It sounds like you may also be dealing with verbal/emotional abuse. The book The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans might be of assistance. It really opened up my eyes to what goes on behind the scenes in an abusive man's mind….and explained why so many women feel crazy and misunderstood when they're in such relationships.

    • Debbie says:

      Be strong, get out as soon as you can. You only have so many precious minutes left on this planet. Don't waste them. You deserve happiness.

  5. Claire says:

    Thank you thank you for bringing awareness to this. I was a victim to a narcissist for over 20 years. He dumped me for his next prey.

  6. Michelle says:

    I just ended a relationship with a narcissist, it was too far the best (when he was nice) and the worst (because of the verbal and physical attack) experience I had, I feel completely devastated and out of self-love for letting all those things to happen. He is still being agressive and he just called me and told me stupid whore. Its unbelievable how someone who “loved” you can be so mean. He has tried to suicide like 9 times -he said- and im starting to think he just wanted attention. Im so broken at this point and feeling so lonely (I stoped talking to some friends because of him, of course)I felt guilty and responsible for all that happened and even I reached the point to believe that that was what I deserve. SO F*CKING WRONG. Im holding to my last piece of faith and hopefully I will recover and find my twin soul. Im just 22 so the more experiences I have the better person I’ll become.

    Hold on.

    • SHARLENE cooper says:

      So cool dat you posted, I feel like I’m surrounded by a NARC family, everyone except my late father esp. my ex boyfriend.My father was an angel. I practise vipassana meditation to heal and gonna start iyengar yoga n naturopathy for strength n self confidence. Good luck! M on Facebook in case u wanna be friends. Great article n website.

  7. jane says:

    I really enjoyed this info and so complete to the points. my daughter is a narcissist… though I never hit her I spoiled her as she was growing up more than I should had. its been hell and yes I didn't put her together until a few years ago. I sure im doing my best but wish I knew how to deal with her. this is a sad situation due to her being my daughter and cutting her off isn't an option.. I need help.. thank u and yes she fits al the characteristics.. trying to have a healthy relationship with her is hard.

    • teresa says:

      I am so happy to have come across this article! I am in the same situation as you with my 23 year old daughter. I have always loved her and done my best to have a meaningful relationship with her. But no matter how hard I try it will never be enough – I always feel guilty, and sad, and it sucks all my energy

    • Your little firefly says:

      And I have a narc mother. Once she asked me what I wanted from her' when I said: " why can't younjust be my mother?", she still twosted it about her' pulled a checking book and asked me how much money I wanted from her, when I said none and stopped responding to her rants' she pretended to have a heart attack, called my father and played the whole victim role and blaming me for giving her a heart attack. Obviously when I wanted to call an ambulance or take her to the hospital, she refused, instead, threw me out of the house" to this day, 20 years later' she still hangs up on me whenever we have a comversation on the phone, tries to turn my husband against me, and gives me money after we have a fight. It does not moatter if I do something or nothing' if I say something or nothing' she will make up her own version of what I said' do, or didn't say and fights. I am always the bad daughter and she is always dissapointed with me' my brother is without any flaws. Every time we have family dinner I am belittled and she is the star of the night. I am most happy when we don't communicate' it is horrible to say that, but I do not like my mother and would love to cut all ties' only guilt keeps us together.

  8. Iwouldliketochange says:

    i believe that a helpful article to follow this one up would be one that assists narcissists in shedding their narcissist skin. i have suspected that I am one for years but reading this article has really hit home. I strongly dislike these traits of mine and would very much like to change. Being a narcissist doesn't feel good. So how about some support for those of us that would really like to change?…. for ourselves and everyone around us? Thank you for the article!

    • Free Now says:

      If you are seeking change, you likely dont have NPD but just narcissistic traits. Most "true" narcs will never drop the mask and admit to, (if they can even see,) their issues, as it would defeat their ability to secure what feels like a lifeline, (generally, a protective cocoon around their false image, which also needs to be upheld by their relationships to others.)
      Generally, rather like addiction, there is so much delusion, denial and defense mechanisms surrounding them that true self-awareness, and authentic (vs feigned) humility simply doesnt exist in their reality.

      A narc "looking for help" is either doing so to promote an agenda, not a true narc, or just a very very rare one, indeed.

      That said, I hope you find what you're looking for! There *are* articles and websites to be found for persons in your position.

      Best 2 you!

    • metoo says:

      Agree. The more I read about narcissism the more I realise I have some of these traits. I believe it has a lot to do with having an abusive narcissist father and being raised in a way very reminiscent of what is mentioned above – emotional neglect interspersed with brief periods of high praise for my musical and academic achievements. Unsurprisingly, I now crave constant positive attention and validation in order to maintain any sense of self worth. My current partner is incredibly supportive and I hate myself sometimes for draining his energy and it often seems I give him little in return. It would be nice to have more said about how people with these traits are often survivors of abuse and/or neglect and more suggestions for how they can help themselves.

  9. Jen says:

    I guess I'm left wondering, can one actually have a relationship with a narcissist? Maybe it sounds foolish to even ask – and perhaps that's how I even managed to find myself with one but with so much already invested in this relationship, with this person, I'm wondering how much of any of it is/was real and is there any possible future.
    I suspect I know the answer but just grasping at straws…
    This article and the comments have been eye opening and reaffirming.
    Thank you.

    • Donna says:

      Just get out now while you have time for a real life.

    • Catherine says:

      Why would you want to have a relationship with a Narcissist, it's all about them it's called me myself and I. That what he used to tell me and it's the truth. They make you cater to there every need. You never will come first for them. They use you up and when they don't want to play anymore your thrown away, so they move on to the next victim the new victim so the abuse starts all over again, till they get bored with the new one then they are thrown away. It's the same old pattern it's all about them and only them they do not love or care about you, why should they they have many others waiting in line to do that. So if your looking for abuse hell on earth dr jeckly and mr hyde you have found him. I t will not get better I know after 15 years of trying to everything in my power to fix it, I too was thrown away for the next new shinny victime and so will she.

      • Sandy says:

        I have been married to a narcissist for 33 years. It has been good, bad, and ugly. I can not tell you how difficult it is to think of starting over….he has gotten some council, which helped, a bit. It is still very lonely at times, but I love my husband even though I do not like him at times….he is VERY NEEDY….I have been very subservient but I no longer wish to continue. I will not serve him or cater to him any longer. This life has been a challenge but I am too old to change now….

  10. jalonda says:

    I think I’m a narcissist how can I get help

    • court says:

      thats a good question!, maybe, you could try ur family doctor? they're usually the ones that need to do the recommending to the physician or specialist that deals with certain conditions like this one or you know, anxiety etc or maybe even starting with just reading up on it more etc at the library? just to get a handle on where ya might wanna go from there with the next step? you might not even be one too you know, i think they're right when they say that we all def have some of both sides in us, but i think the definition is someone that is full fledged and far out there on the spectrum like has all or most of the noted symptoms etc <3 best of luck to you tho, i hope you can find some kinda peace either way, :)

  11. Carole Sanek says:

    Thank you for this article as more people do need to understand what they are dealing with if they possibly have a narcissist in their lives. I was a business partner with a narcissist for 3 years and she shows up in every word on your list. I made the mistake of making a joke about her and her coffee choice while at a conference on a cruise ship. It was a joke, she couldn’t handle it, and in less than 3 hours she came up to me, blind-sided me with a verbal attack remember this happened on a cruise ship – no escape, and I was toast. I missed that warning – did not see it in 3 years and normally I have a good narcissist alarm (thanks to others). Last week I “released” a woman from my business because I could see the traits coming out. I took the right opportunity. She had recently been named to a power position in the publishing world and I used that to let her know how happy I am for her and how I knew she wouldn’t have time to work with us. She sent a very nice thank you note and I could breathe again. My best advice is that you have to learn the “right” verbage in talking with one. There is definitely a wrong way to word things – don’t ever make a joke about them in public. Don’t ever look better than them. Don’t ever be liked better than them. Oh and watch out for their minions, they have them…..and they truly do walk several steps behind them.

  12. Been There says:

    Some of the previous comments have mentioned "closure". In relationships with narcissists and sociopaths the only closure to be had comes from you closing the door on them – the door that leads to your heart, mind and soul. You will never get them to admit to any wrongdoing, all you will get is more lies. So all you can do is cut off their access to you as a way to protect yourself from further emotional and/or physical damage. If you want to save yourself "no-contact" is your only option. There is no winning an argument or getting them to see the err of their ways, so just move on. Don't worry about them – you are nothing to them but prey and there is plenty of new unsuspecting prey out there. Be prepared for their smear campaign, which follows your rejection of them. They like to be the one doing the rejecting because it makes them feel like they've "won". In fact, they will probably tell everyone that THEY rejected YOU and make up some outlandish reason. Slander is the coward's revenge, so you can expect plenty of that. Just rise above and live the best life you can – they hate that the most! Also what the previous commenter said is worth repeating – watch out for their minions!!

    • Tracy says:

      The most unfortunate minions of all are children of a narcissist. They love their father and want to believe his words…

    • Helpless says:

      I moved out 6 months ago away from my boyfriend of 10 years. All you said has happened in my case I can not seem to find closure. I have moved on just enough that I'm seeing myself surely becoming my old self again and stronger. But, I can't stop thinking of him. I know he's doing everything that you stated in your comments. The other day he even snarkily threw it in my face how i had for 10 years had been saying he was so mean to me. That I should be happier now that I don't have to go thru anymore of that. Of course all he is saying is not what he means. He's just being mean. He believes he has done nothing wrong. — And I know he slanders me. — My problem now is ..how do I just shut the door and just quit all contact. I.e. texting, calling or social media contact. Which all are started by me. He doesn't contact me. I just want to quit feeling sorry for him and wanting to make sure he's okay. Even still with all those years …then I went into severe depression, he made me feel like i was worthless and didn't even deserve to live. – but, i still want to contact him. It's just wrong. Just wrong how I still care.

  13. Wenlor says:

    Thank you for the article. I married the same narcissist twice!! First time, I did my best to save my marriage. I recognized abuse. He was the one getting me off our home. Then divorcing me to married a new person. Not immediately but eventually they divorced. He re-connected with me 5 years later, right when she was divorcing him. He got to be the penitent narcissist. He knew I needed an apology. My mistake: letting him keep calling me back. I decided to re-marry him for personal reasons other than my deepest love for him but not the only one. He was good for a year. I always kept him under surveillance, until he got me a job I didn’t like. It started there. I caught him cheating me with a man, he didn’t deny the affair but that it wasn’t a man. He tried to intimidate me. That was it., I set up the rules, made him buy a plane ticket for me. Slept in a couch for 10 days, got a nice job in a week and also a place to stay -it’s very good to keep in touch with good friends – and I left without warning!! I was told he had his episode of grieving for a week ! When I left, I hugged him, literally cried on his shoulder as he also did.It was my good-byes but I was the only knowing it. He may have thought I was trying to reconcile.. However, when he came back from work, I was gone. I was told that a narcissist would not marry twice, that it’s rare. Well,he did i. He was trying to make me understand I was not good enough for him. He said he was not thinking on divorce but I did. I filed the divorce a month ago. It will be final by August. I am thrilled I made it out of his side. He shut down, no more contact with me. I caught him! He knows now, indirectly, I identified him as a Narcissist. I feel very good. So far, He doesn’t know my whereabouts since I left him. I pray for him daily so I would be able to forgive him and forget this awful situation.

  14. jml says:

    I am deeply in love with a narcissist. He ended things abruptly with me approx. Six months ago. I am an empath, and took it so hard that I had to be hospitalized. I gave him my heart and soul, I spent a lot of money on him, and now I am left with nothing. He moved onto his next victim immediately, which made it even harder on me. That has since ended, and he immediately began contacting me again after no contact for months, fully aware of the pain that I was in. His intentions this time are unclear; Ive had a wall up…and have said some borderline hurtful things due to my hurt and anger. I asked gim what he wants from me now and why is he talking to me….he only said "guess?" I do not know what that means or what he wants. He keeps trying to give me advice about how i am living my life, not really even knowing what i have been up to since he left me. Then he will turn, and start throwing accusations that I cheated on him when we were together. I dont know how to handle this, but when I read this article and the one about being an empath, I was in shock. The descriptions fit him as being a narcissist and me being an empath to the T. Maybe my love is just an illusion. Im having a terrible time. Help!

    • Guest says:

      Guess this: It is more of the same. If you have more than average emotional need, narcissists can smell you from miles. This person sounds clever, as are most narcissists (opposed to smart). Don't take this wrong, but if you think you are deeply in love, you are chasing the half-truths he pitches you to. This is not Love. I strongly suggest you find an honest and patient therapist who can help you discover what bits of you are attracted to him. Then work on your self, and get the hell away from this toxic train wreck before he bleeds you dry. Narcissists are incapable of empathy and are almost unviversally recognized as unreachable. The needy bit of you that only you can full fill is your own responsibillty. Meanwhile,, some "ghosting" should send him away – they are all attention vampires. Positive or negative – doesn't matter – attention feeds and strengthens them. Unless you wallow in martyrdom or can't or won't transcend that, distance yourself. Cut him off completely. He knows how to work you and I'll wager your gut knows the same. On the other hand, fully embrace him so he can hurt you to the point of re-adjust your expectations and boundaries. You can't have it both ways and you are on track for more pain. I wish you clarity and the courage to love your self enough to jettison all toxic people from your life. Trust me, they won't give you a second thought the moment they perceive the jig is up. You will be flushed as waste that serves no more purpose as soon as Mr. Narcissist sees this.
      P.S. Are you in love with him, or the fulfillment of your needs?

      • patty says:

        I completely with agree with this other Guest. I have been talking to a man that i knew 33 yrs ago in school. We only had 4 dates and i am an Empath. Me being older i think im more aware of things because i am also a medium. So, in my case, i believe i truly had Angels looking out for me. After our third date he did something to cause me to lose trust in him. I asked for a two week break. He was angry but i told him we could text or chat on a the phone a little in the meantime- you know, on my end, i truly had seen some red flags and didnt want to cause more anger. I finally told him yesterday that i had to end it. He said he was tearing up and i broke his heart- supposedly he cared about me for all these years. In my case i am also extra cautious because i am raising my two grandchildren. I am also a widow of seven years. As i said, my antennae was up, thank God, because i pegged this man completely. Since yesterday the disgusting nasty texts i have received are giving me chills and im thanking my lucky stars that i have shut this door. He threw my deceased husband in my face.Told me the next delivery to my home NOT be roses but a blanket for me to hide under and wallow in self pity. This man had already went and seen and ex and was at her house for 3 hrs. Please, for your sake jml!!! Get away from him!! I am sure that my family, who has only been around him twice and liked him, will be shocked when they find out that i cut him off. He is quite the charmer at first. Kind, loving, considerate, whatever you need i will help with. This home he was supposed to be building- i know for a fact now its all a fantasy on his part- lies. I have to watch out for these two little children and i am so grateful that my *intuition* kicked in when it did. Im pretty sure the 3 of us just dodged a bullet.

    • anon says:

      It also helps to truly realize that you love someone who will never love you back, they cannot love outside themselves.. just knowing this has helped me keep moving forward with no contact.

  15. I was married to a narcissist and reading this does help…seven years separated, divorced officially since April 2011 four children and he really only talks to one …so much hurt, pain and damage and still goes on playing games and drama…it’s been tough but now we mostly keep our distance and try to just move forward….hard to see the pain in my children and watch his games with them…

  16. Elisabeth says:

    Well this is word for word my husband. I just thought he was stubborn and insensitive, but this makes more sense. This article makes it seem as though it is incureable…I’m not expecting him to change but isn’t there a way to manage this…or live with it…or not be hurt by it?

  17. Gina says:

    I wonder why, if attention is what they need. Only one person here admits they MAY be a narcissist. Could it be possible that some narcissist play the victim of a narcissist.

  18. Ashley says:

    My husbands ex wife fits this to a T. They had children together so we have to deal with her in that dynamic, which is extremely exhausting and we often feel defeated. She is constantly seeking attention from my husbands family and making up lies to make herself look good and make us look terrible. Unfortunately, we can’t walk away from her.

  19. MYTURN!:pjkitscourt says:

    given that its meant for support etc, on a lighter side, isnt it a little bit funny? how its usually like the list of how to spot a narc right? and its mostly boiled down to me me me thinking, and then we all agree in the comments and then start talking about ourselves? lol i mean i get it, i do, but i just thought that was a little funny lol <3 😛 just for the record tho, i have been in tough situations with the type, so i dont mean to make fun <3

  20. Daisy says:

    While I was married I never had the “psychological” words to describe my husband, but since the divorce I’ve discovered them. Even though I dient know what it was called then, all of the symptoms were there, as described in this article. I would often use Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde to describe him to counselors. I never used the term walking on eggshells. No, that was too innocent. I described it as walking in a mine field….,much more severe! He blamed me for our divorce. He blamed me for his marriage pproblems his second marriage. He blamed me when that ended in divorce. He blamed me when he lost his job (years after our divorce). I can understand now that the cycle of a narcissist never ends. His power, control, manipulation, threats, harassment, etc wore me down during the marriage and divorce process so that I was not able to get custody. Through books, articles, websites, and counseling, I understand that’s how he is. It was not my fault as he told me all those years. Its his inability to take responsibility for what he has done. My biggest sadness is that he has the kids to pass this example on to them. If anyone has advice on how I can counteract his affect on the kids, I’d love to hear from you! If I say anything at all to them, he tells me I’m badmouthing him, trying to alienate the kids from him, an has reported me to the courts and child services just for talking to my kids.

  21. Shannon says:

    I believe I am a narcissist. My husband is an empath. We are doing ok I think. We butt heads sometime but I've learned to try to control myself. I've known about this since I was a teen. Someone called me a narcissist and I had to look it up but the description does fit me well. While I don't believe I am in love with myself I can not name one person in this world that I would want to be like or to trade places with the person. I like being me, plain and simple.

  22. Eeeps says:

    This has pretty much blown my mind. My best friend is exactly like this in her "own" way, and I never put it together until now. It was always my fault, in every single situation we got into, she was the victim and I was this awful person who in reality didn't do anything but help put her back together. We aren't friends anymore and it's taken me a very long time to figure everything out (which I have in no means done yet), it's been a year and I still go back and wonder what happened. Nothing made sense to me, why she would react that way, the lies she told. The hardest thing for me to grasp is the fact that the incredible person I became friends with, was only who she wanted herself to be at the time. I thought I knew her, and it kills me to walk away if there's a possibility that she's still the person I thought I knew. She isn't though, I'm moving on and I just need to figure how to prevent the detrimental friendship that I've already been through from happening again in the future.

  23. Melanie says:

    I think the narcissists ar great because in this world, everybody are contantly trying to put you down, so in order to not being put down, you have to believe nobody is superior than you, you have to develop a strong personality. 😉

  24. Scarlett says:

    Wow, this is my mother in law. It was always about her. She can always steer the conversation towards her and how much she suffered or how accomplished she is (both often told with twisted facts). Other people loves her because of her charismatic and tough personality, but she always has a hidden agenda in helping people, which is so that they wouldn’t be able to say no to her when the time comes she needs their help. And when she does, she doesn’t even give credit where credit is due — if everything went fine, it’s all about her, but if things failed, she’s got nothing to do about it because it was the other person’s failure. She’s really good at talking to and manipulating people. She criticizes people with unnecessarily hurtful words and claim she was only being “frank”. Those who don’t know her on an everyday basis loves her, but no one in her own home likes to spend time with her. Her Facebook is exploding with pictures of how much her husband loves her and how expensive her car/jewelry/other stuff are, and she enjoys the attention she gets from social media. In reality, she and my father-in-law has been and is still in the brink of separating — it is him who is adjusting to her to work out their marriage. I kind of pity her sometimes. I know she’s not happy, and she’s only pretending to be. But her unwillingness to listen to anyone but herself pushes away those who are truly concerned, and we have all given up. I guess there’s really no solution if you’re a narc to the bones. I’m glad that even though my husband (her son) has strong personality, he’s not a narcissist. I have to thank his grandmother (may she rest in peace) for the balance she provided while my husband was growing up. As a new mom myself, I will be on the lookout for any signs in my daughter and I will try to guide her as much as I can without disrupting her own personality. I just don’t want her to grow up a narc because I want her to lead a happy life, and I don’t think there is a narc who is truly happy with who they are.

  25. Randy says:

    I happen to be a very textbook narcissist. I've known it for a while and it typically stems (at least in my case) of having very little understanding of empathy. I'll not think of people as people and more like fleshy robots that happen to occupy the same space as myself. I am currently in a relationship with what I suppose you would call an empath. I've been doing everything in my power to not be me when I'm with him cause I really like him and want to make it work. Don't know how to really go about it though

  26. frank says:

    I thought this was a good article. I think it would have been better if it was more about me!

  27. josephine says:

    The best book on narcissism ever, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love and Family by Eleanor Payson, has saved my life. Truly until I read the book, I couldn't figure out how to extricate myself from a very destructive and life-sucking relationship with a narcissist. I also learned so much about my own contribution to the dynamic. Can't recommend it highly enough.

  28. FooledByACreep says:

    I spent the worst four years of my life trapped in the web of deception of a narcissist. Sadly, I did not realize what I was dealing with until a year ago. Before that, I used to blame myself for his moods and for his lack of attention and, as you say, walked on eggshells to prevent his wrath. But, even after realizing what I was dealing with, it was hard to leave, as he had a magnetic draw on me just based on the scraps of attention he would throw at me to keep me hooked But, NO MORE! After discovering that he was addicted to internet porn, while refusing to be intimate with me, I became 2000% convinced that I had to leave. And, so, I left. Just a day ago. Nightmare is not a strong enough word to describe what life with him was. Not even "hell" comes close to it. But, I am now finally free!

  29. Matthew says:

    Hi guys!

    I'm breaking up with a woman with NPD after 6 years. All the things I read here above apply 1 on 1 to my situation with her. (wish i found this info earlier)
    Recently, 4 days ago, she was caught having sex with a stranger in the bushes (!!!) behind the athletic center of our village… of course now leading to our immediate brake up.
    My biggest concern now is that, since we live in a small (narrow-minded) community in which I am the outsider, she will use all of her Narcissistic traits to manipulate others in order to turn all against me and destroy my reputation. I mean, to be caught having sex in the bushes is probably not compatible with her Narcissistic image of herself and maybe calls for a correction. She is already angry with one who caught her, and she blames this person, not taking responsibility for her actions. How likely is it that in time she will try to turn the small society against me in order to relieve herself from the shame? I just been in a relationship from hell for 6 years, i don't need the sh#t of that sort of thing happening.
    What can I do to prevent this from happening? I already gave her box of chocolates for "her pain", which i think is a good idea in this very, very particular case. I also try to be understanding to her.
    Any other tips and advice would be more than very welcome.

    Thanks beforehand.

    Matthew

  30. Kimberly says:

    Matthew, I just ended (third time) a five year relationship with a narcissist, who is also a sex addict. If you study sexual addiction, it is not just really enjoying sex, but about control and many, many other traits of a narcissist, including upbringing.

    A week and four days ago, I finally hung up, blocked and deleted this person from my life. It is the only way to freedom.

    And Matthew, who cares what people may say about you. You know the truth and soon they will, too. They probably already do….

  31. Diane says:

    Exhale, finallt.thank you all and especially for this article. I'm not crazy.exhale.finally.

  32. Deborah says:

    It has been almost 14 years now since leaving my narcissistic ex-husband. I continue to have times that I feel humiliated and so fooled by him that I can hardly keep my head up. These charmers are difficult to get out of your head! Fortunately we had no children together, and I can definitely sympathize with those of you who are trying to raise your children within the narcissist’s web. I learned in my own situation that I had to stop all communication, blocking email and Facebook accounts, changing my phone number, and alerting security where I worked. For the first year after I left, my ex-husband moved in to the same apartment complex as I, approximately 300 yards from my apartment, and proceeded to stalk me. Eventually he moved away, but I would get a phone call every few years or so through my work number (State employment, public access) just to see how I was “getting along”. My best suggestion seems to be — don’t ask any questions about him or his family or his children. If he asks about you, tell him you are fine, but don’t ask him about himself. Remain calm, don’t feed him any fuel. Best wishes.

    • robin says:

      I know that by leaving my husband of almost 4 years was really hard, its hard just leaving his family.. I have grown to love his children and grandchildren…. Hes had an affair with the same women at least the last 3year , glad shes got him, makes it so much easier even though we live close… she more than welcome to all that narcissist controling man, and like his family said, once she wont give him any money, he will be on to his next victim…

  33. Jack says:

    You know what's funny? These "traits of a narcissist" also match that of a confident and driven man. Is it possible that articles such as these cater to women that were hurt by a confident/driven man and label them as having an actual mental health disorder? If "gas lighting" is never taking personal responsibility and labeling others as "crazy" isn't that exactly what women who read these articles are doing?

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