My breakup was sudden.

It was one of those breakups where the rug is pulled out from under you. I was in shock for quite some time. We didn’t talk about if we’d be taking space or working on a friendship. He simply left and ignored my attempt at communication.

The best we can hope for in a breakup is mutual acceptance, love and respect. In the best situations we decide together how best to move forward and respect one another’s needs. Often times we don’t come close to getting that.

Breakups can be messy, painful and bring out parts of ourselves that we may have never seen before.

Regardless of the way your breakup has happened, this process of moving into the next phase of our lives is challenging. We’re transitioning from a partnership to being on our own again, and we’re doing it all with broken hearts. It’s quite the challenge.

When we transition from one relationship form to another it can be traumatic and we have to treat it as such.

When we’re in pain we often do our best to avoid it. Part of our cultural paradigm is telling people to stay busy when their hearts are broken. But in order to heal we have to face the pain, give it our undivided attention and allow ourselves to feel it all.

It always comes back to the body—it’s speaking to you all the time.

If you’re dealing with a broken heart right now you can sit quietly with yourself and feel into your body. Notice where it’s heavy or stiff. Pay attention to your body as different thoughts arise about your breakup. Notice the emotions that come up when you deepen your breath or breathe into your heart.

Closure comes from acceptance but it’s not just about accepting it with your mind. It also requires you to embrace all of your feelings. It means we have to pay attention to how we feel, be willing to just be with it and allow ourselves to release it.

When an emotion arises, instead of pushing it away let it be ok to be there. Let yourself feel it.

There are big emotions that come with the truth and it’s so utterly important to acknowledge those feelings as they arise.

When I sat with the truth that my ex suddenly stopped choosing me I felt worthless, empty and a sadness so deep within me that it felt like it had no end. Everything in me wanted to run from these feelings because they were so awful.

Facing into our own darkness and giving love to ourselves when we feel so raw is how we show up for ourselves. It’s the path to finding closure. Even though I was completely sick and tired of crying, I kept letting it all out because my body needed to release those feelings.

Part of releasing those feelings means that we’re releasing our past, and we’re making space for our future.

If we don’t do this very important step we will not find closure. 

If we bury your pain it will resurface again in the future, possibly even sabotaging our next relationship.

I have made the mistake in believing that another person could give me closure. But the truth is that closure doesn’t come from outside ourselves. We often think we turn to our exes for closure but we’re really looking for support from them because we’re still attached.

The path to true closure means that we turn inward instead of out.

Healing is closure. Healing yourself, accepting the truth, and releasing the pain over and over and over again until there’s none left will bring you closure.

You don’t need anyone outside yourself to heal you. You just have to look within.

~ 

Author: Michelle D’Avella

Editor: Sarah Kolkka

Image: LeahVanderbilt/Flickr