In the silence of the desert I ran away to, your voice would echo off the mountain walls. Reverberating the hatred you spewed for so long.

My heart swelled with hurt, frustration, and weakness. All of the seeds you wanted so badly to bloom in the depths I allowed you to dive in.

But everyday I thaw from the trauma I isolated myself in. And every day I thank you just a little bit more.

My naive 19 year old heart wanted to love you. The gifts, adoration, support and compliments seemed like the love I watched blossom only in movies as a child.

I convinced myself that when you would ask me the deepest of secrets, but would only share slight truths, that you were simply listening to me with intent.

I convinced myself that the multitude of text messages and wanting to be with me constantly was how love should be.

I convinced myself that when you became jealous, even of my friends, you were just protective.

There were so many signs—but I wanted your love, just like you knew I would.

I see now the strategy in the chess game I allowed my life to become. This all-encompassing affection made it easier for me to look past the insults when they first began to slide off your tongue.

When words like “slut,” “whore” and “stupid” became joking terms. When “I hate you” replaced words of affection.

My tender heart convinced itself yet again that you meant no harm—that I was overreacting.

Months and months dragged on with the hateful tar turning into lava that burned away the edges of my growing sense of self. The names became more venomous.

“Disgusting.”

“Pitiful.”

“Pathetic.”

And then the day came when “worthless” became interchangeable with my name to you.

It hit me like an axe, opening every insecurity I had ever felt. I could feel my years of battling an eating disorder, self harm and feelings of inadequacy pooling around me as I spent hours crying on our bedroom floor.

In the days to follow, I allowed myself to fear you as your outbursts became blowouts. It went from words to you breaking the things we had worked so hard for.

The more you took from me, the more I followed your demands. I allowed myself to become a prisoner in my own home. I gave up my dignity, my self respect and—the day I first woke up to you on top of me—my right to my body.

And one day you grew tired of our game as I was no longer a lively participant. When you decided it was over, I tentatively tip-toed out of your life.

And today, I have something important to say: “Thank you.”

Thank you for convincing me to abandon my friends and family. When I was truly alone, I learned how to rebuild relationships and be my own best friend.

Thank you for taking complete control of my life. When I was entirely lost without you, as you wanted me to be, I had some amazing adventures finding my own path.

Thank you for showing me fear of someone I love. When my partner holds me gently, I can show him true gratitude because I have seen the darkness that is lacking in his kind heart.

Thank you for introducing me to true misery. When my daughter innocently smiles at me and the wonders of all the new life she is experiencing, I know the truest form of joy.

And most of all, thank you for telling me I am worthless. It has been a beautiful experience learning that I’m not.

 

Relephant:

How to Handle Feeling Worthless and Empty.
~

Author: Kasha De Roos

Assistant Editor: Hilda Carroll/Editor: Travis May

Photo: Pixabay