Top 10 Brilliant Things I Totally Get about Relationships & am Happy to Share with You.

Via Waylon Lewis
on Jun 12, 2011
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Update: This note goes out to all you married or lonely folk who miss the dating life!

So get this—last week, the love of my heart told me it was all over because of an awkward skype call where she didn’t appreciate my bored, passive-aggressive, I heard you and I get it and am not and don’t want to rush things either, what else reaction to being told things were moving too fast (for the fifth time, by her admission)—so that ended five months of bliss in one 10 minute chat.

Then, one of the most amazing women I’ve ever known (never dated, one or both of us is always in a relationship) visited, we had a wonderful hike and romantic non-date (she’s dating someone) dinner…but the possibility of any future profound love between us may have ended at around 930 when I got tired (my back and health has been out since the flood, a bit) and my charm kinda ran out of juice. So, possibility of lifetime of love canceled due to not feeling well for half an hour? Nailed it.

And then, tonight, a new low, I got a thoughtful “Dear John” letter on Facebook…from a girl who had asked me out…who I’ve never dated.

Still miss dating? (smiley-face emoticon)

~
From 2010.

~

Top 10 Things I (Don’t) Understand About Relationships.

Love is Heaven, War is Hell, and Dating is a bit of Both.

I’m 36 years old.

I’ve dated a few women in this short, precious human life, so far. I’ve dated some amazing women, some okay ones, and one or two…”wonderful women with whom it didn’t quite work out with.” I’ve spent some time on my own, nursing a few wounds. And I’m proud to be friends, if not out of touch, with just about every ex who’s ever been a VIP in my life for however long.

All along the way, I’ve learned plenty of lessons (and had to relearn a few, too). A few years back 5280, Denver’s main magazine, named me as a top eligble bachelor. Sexy Single, they called it. So you might say I’m a real authority on the subject (you might be wrong).

So lend me your ear and I’ll blog you a list of everything I’ve learned, in precise detail.

Enjoy. You owe me, as you’ll see.

10 Things I Definitively Know, Understand & Get about Relationships.

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Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm.” ~ Winston Churchill

Here’s 10 Tips from someone who might just know something, unlike yours truly.

~

All jokes aside, at the ripe old age of 36, I feel like I know and get and understand less than ever. I’m backsliding, if anything. But that’s okay: in Zen they call it Don’t Know Mind: the less you think you understand, the more open we are, the more we rest in Beginner’s Mind.

For now, being alone seems increasingly attractive: I can work obsessively, which I need to do right now; I have time to exercise; and I don’t have anyone trying to fix me except me—and my first therapist, and my meditation instructor—and they both realize I’m fundamentally blue sky, as are we all.

So if I dared to proffer any advice from the trenches (as opposed from on high), I’d keep it simple: be brave. Have confidence to go beyond hesitation. When you feel all alone, depressed, sad, like everyone out there is happy and picnicing and smooching and going out for brunch except you, stop thinking about them. Work on yourself. Get outside, enjoy the sun. Do something kind for someone: never fails to make you, somehow, feel richer. Get out and do things: BBQs, sports, crafts, cycling…get offline (except to check elephant, y’hear). Don’t look for someone who makes your heart go pitter-patter. Look for someone who’s willing to be half-wrong, all the time—to meet you halfway. As a Buddhist teacher friend of mine said, who’s in a deliciously long and happy marriage, he said…be willing to be the first one to give an inch. Even if it’s not your fault, be willing to be the first one to give an inch. I’ve never forgotten that, and practice it constantly (it takes constant practice: it’s hard).

Here’s 10 tips from my Grandma, who actually knows something about real love.

Good luck out there: Love is Heaven, War is Hell, and Dating is a bit of Both.

PS: in comments, share one hard-earned tip for me and the others on being alone or dating with minimal drama, maximal sanity?

~

Bonus: Say, Kay, bowling or bike trip or weenie roast? Yes, Nick, it’s a date:

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1WH4NWbPABw[/youtube]


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About Waylon Lewis

Waylon Lewis, founder of elephant magazine, now elephantjournal.com & host of Walk the Talk Show with Waylon Lewis, is a 1st generation American Buddhist “Dharma Brat." Voted #1 in U.S. on twitter for #green two years running, Changemaker & Eco Ambassador by Treehugger, Green Hero by Discovery’s Planet Green, Best (!) Shameless Self-Promoter at Westword's Web Awards, Prominent Buddhist by Shambhala Sun, & 100 Most Influential People in Health & Fitness 2011 by "Greatist", Waylon is a mediocre climber, lazy yogi, 365-day bicycle commuter & best friend to Redford (his rescue hound). His aim: to bring the good news re: "the mindful life" beyond the choir & to all those who didn't know they gave a care. elephantjournal.com | facebook.com/elephantjournal | twitter.com/elephantjournal | facebook.com/waylonhlewis | twitter.com/waylonlewis | Google+ For more: publisherelephantjournalcom

Comments

56 Responses to “Top 10 Brilliant Things I Totally Get about Relationships & am Happy to Share with You.”

  1. Katie says:

    It's challenging to be single in today's society that idolizes the traditional family, marriage and romantic relationships. However, it's extremely important to be single. In relationships we tend to lose our independence. It is when we are single and focus on ourselves, learn who we are, what we want, what makes us tick, that we can become our highest selves and attract the person best fit for us. Then again, like you, what do I know? I am still single!

  2. Lisa says:

    I loved this quote from the HBO show 'Girls'- Grandma Flo on marriage: "Someday, you will look at him, hating him with every fiber of your being, wishing that he would die the most violent death possible. It will pass."

  3. Justine says:

    Similar experience here. Had the chance to fall in love with myself and figured out how to do alone really well (yoga, dog park, long walks in nature, getting regular massage, getting work I love, spending time getting to know my family). Now in relationship with someone I love deep down into my gut and the relationship work is more complex and challenging than I could have imagined. But worth the effort. My tip is start couples therapy right away when times are great. It’s like a fun date but then out if nowhere you get smaked in the face with truths from this neutral party. I found out I worry too much and can be controlling and a little pushy. So I have to let go and let him be him and not force him to be the version of him I would prefer (non smoking, always home on time). I read a quote from Anthony Hopkins that helps me. He says he expects nothing and accepts everything. That’s courage and my current project for myself. Oh another tip we use is kind of a game. The fussy stone. If he is acting irritated I hand it to him and if I get critical he gives it back. We hand it back and forth and even take it from each other when we recognize our own fussiness creeping in. It lends a little humor into the mix and it helped us alot. Good luck everyone in the relationship/dating/singledom department. Any which way it had its beauty and its challenge!

  4. -Always be honest about what you want and are emotionally ready for.

    -If your heart is drawn to another person, give your love without any expectations.

    -Ask your intuition to protect you and let you know when to move forward without that person.

    **An intimate friendship with a soul mate doesn’t necessarily have to be sexual. Leaving sex on the sideline (imagery intended) can inspire creativity and philosophical conversation, according to Plato. 🙂

  5. Christina says:

    After being married for almost 26 years, divorced for 5 and dating again in my 50's (Never thought I'd ever have to do this again! LOL) just remember one thing-nothing and I mean NOTHING LASTS FOREVER!! So find out what makes YOU happy and forget all the other B.S. that people will put you though!

  6. Aimee Morrow says:

    I fucking love you. Check your messages and let me send you my delicious vegan chocolates.

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