Sex On The Mat: What To Do If You Are Not Getting Any.

Via Michelle Marchildon
on Feb 13, 2012
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Is Everyone Having Sex on the Mat?

Judging from the recent epidemic of yoga scandals involving sex on the mat, there is obviously something wrong with me. That’s because after 15 years of practicing yoga, I have never been sexually harassed on the mat.

Never. Not once. Not even close.

It gets worse.

Several of my favorite teachers over the years have apparently been sleeping with lots of other yogis, students, employees, and probably the staff of the last hotel where they stayed while on a yoga tour.

And me? Nothing. What the hell?

Furthermore, I recently went through yoga branding where you put “you” together with “yoga” and when you are finished your fundamental nature is communicated in two or three words. Many of my yoga friends have undergone branding and a few have come out without their pants on.  (You can read the original blog here).

On the other hand, when I went to get branded nobody looked at me and thought:  “Let’s get naked.” What the hell? They looked at me and thought, “Erma Bombeck.” If you don’t remember who Erma Bombeck was, she was a very funny writer who looked like John Madden wearing a wig.

Maybe I’m not Wiccan Enough?

So, I’m starting to think like Mick Jagger when he sang, “Am I rich enough, tough enough blah blah blah?” But instead I’m thinking I must not be Wiccan enough, because in addition to lots of people being sexually harassed in yoga it turns out that lots of people are Wiccans.

When I learned that John Friend, the founder of Anusara yoga, is also a Wiccan, I asked my local teacher, what is this? He said he was not going to bother to try to explain Wiccan-ness, or Wicca, or WTF’er to a soccer mom who lives in the suburbs. It would be a huge waste of time, he said, and besides he probably had to go wash his hair.

So I asked around on the internet and it turns out, lots and lots of people are Wiccans! Who knew? Where I teach yoga in a suburb with a ton of Starbucks and great local schools, I don’t think there are a lot of Wiccans. We have a few Republicans, and possibly a Buddhist, but really I don’t think we have a lot of Wiccans.

But what do I know? Obviously not much, or else I would have figured out that all my yogi friends are Wiccans and having great sex while I’m worried about picking up the kids and finding enlightenment on the way to the supermarket. Honestly, I never considered being a Wiccan because I’m too damn busy trying to be a Jewish/Presbyterian/Catholic/Buddhist/Yogi /Pissed-Off-Democrat and I’m sitting there with my eyes closed going “Om.” Right? I have my eyes closed when I probably should have opened them.

Meanwhile, I’ve got to pick up the environmentally-friendly drycleaning, but just as soon as I can, I’m going to figure this out and see if being a Wiccan will get me a little more action on the mat.


About Michelle Marchildon

Michelle Berman Marchildon is the Yogi Muse. She’s an award-winning journalist, and the author of Finding More on the Mat: How I Grew Better, Wiser and Stronger through Yoga. Her second book, Theme Weaver: Connect the Power of Inspiration to Teaching Yoga, is for yoga teachers who want to inspire their students. Michelle is a columnist for elephant journal and Origin Magazine and a contributor to Teachasana, My Yoga Online and Yoga Journal. She is an E-RYT 500 with Yoga Alliance and teaches in Denver, Co where she is busy raising two boys, two dogs and one husband. You can follow her on Facebook at Michelle Marchildon, The Yogi Muse. You can find her blog and website at And you can take her classes on


30 Responses to “Sex On The Mat: What To Do If You Are Not Getting Any.”

  1. Michelle this cracked me up! I feel for all of those who have been tremendously hurt by all of this, but sometimes a little laughter goes a long way!

  2. Marge Liebler says:

    I'm waiting for your advice, Michelle! 😉

  3. tatumann says:

    This is hysterical. I'm not getting any at yoga either. Weird. Let me know if the Wiccan thing works out! So funny!

  4. Vision_Quest2 says:

    It's not the Wicca, it's the hype … because back in MY day (there I go again), nobody associated practicing hatha yoga with bedroom prowess …

  5. Vision_Quest2 says:

    I'm not getting any, but I'm too old and sick to care … I practice yoga to be a little less … sick …

  6. heather says:

    Hilarious! I just posted my third article for Elephant. The writing on here is so much fun! You're a blast Michele

  7. SarahJ says:

    Exactly – 'back in my day' yoga gals were thought of as dippy navel gazers with underarm hair (not hot sexy with great Lululemon butts) and yoga guys were thought of as weedy and not up for 'manly' sports. Yoga guys back then did NOT get groupies or any action on the mat.

  8. Vision_Quest2 says:

    And, yes … many of them did drugs, too … but they were college students or hippies and not exploitative business people most of the time … who would look much more like "Occupy _______ " protestors rather than like Landmark Forum yuppies ….

  9. karlsaliter says:

    THANKS for the laugh!

  10. Robert says:

    Very funny. Actually, you'd probably be rather surprised to learn how many of the people you know are in fact Wiccan, or Druid, or follow any of a number of Pagan faiths. Of course, if they read this article first they're not very likely to tell you, since we tend to get this sort of reaction a lot and are a bit tired of it.

    I would hope that someday you, or your readers, would get the opportunity to explore Wicca, ideally with an open mind and heart. Might not be your cup of tea, but at least you'd know a bit more about the faith you're laughing at today.

  11. yogi tobye says:

    Sure Iyengar himself says he used to get loads of the wrong kind of attention back in the 60's when he first came to the west proper. He reckons he used his eyebrows in a certain kind of way to fend off advances 🙂

  12. Actually, I was very suprised to learn that even my bestiest friend on the mat is a sometimes Wiccan. So, although I was having a little fun, I hope I did so respectfully. My policy is no one gets hurt, and if the Pagan faiths don't hurt anyone then it's fine with me.

  13. yogi tobye says:

    Greetings Robert,

    Wicca, Paganism and Druidism have very close links to the spiritual side of yoga. "As above, so below" "If it harms none, do what thou will" etc

    If you have some time to explore the context of this article you would find that the author is very from laughing at it.

    Blessed be,

  14. Vision_Quest2 says:

    Let's also include Druse, Zoroastrians, Sufis, Kabbalists … and everybody else I hang with, too …

  15. guest says:

    I hear ya sister, I don't get laid either. or picked up. and I am not Wicca either. I should yell at Sam Harris, ignore his smartness and follow a religion again. sheesh.

  16. Aella says:

    Where are these places? lol, I'm wiccan and I'm usually only getting hit on by the 60yr old guys who come into work(I'm recently outta high school, and many think I am still in school.)

  17. Diana says:

    Thank you for the laugh! Much needed!

  18. Treesong says:

    Irreverent humor is par for the course. Since Wicca is still poorly understood by the general public, it would have been nice to see a moment of serious education along with the humor. I'm glad that you included a link to the Wikipedia article, though, so that the more curious among your readers can learn more on their own.

    Anusara's philosophy and practice actually resonates quite well with Wicca. I recognized this fact before I even knew that John Friend had an interest in (much less involvement with) Wicca. Alas, it sounds like he used his power and prestige to bring disgrace to Anusara, Wicca, and sex-positive spiritual practices generally, all in one fell swoop. This is truly unfortunate since I view [viewed?] Anusara as a tremendous opportunity to have a positive impact on all three.

  19. Thanks,
    I needed that. 🙂

  20. yogi tobye says:

    I couldn't spell those 🙂

  21. JoshMPlant says:

    HA! This is great. Perhaps some sensual moans of "discomfort" would help draw onlookers….

  22. maria says:

    hahahahahaha!!! those eybrows do have a life of their own!!!!!

  23. maria says:

    very funny – thanks! great to see some levity on here after the "drama" of recent days!!

  24. Good to have a sense of humour Michelle. Thanks for sharing yours. 🙂

  25. Dave says:

    Not funny. Or rather, not appropriate. JF used Wicca for immortality and no one calls him on it. Sexual harassment, like rape, is no joking matter.

  26. Zendo Deb says:

    Have to agree with Dave on the "not funny" part. So all Wiccans are immoral or something? Is that what you are saying?

    If you said the same thing about any other minority – especially if you selected a racial minority – would it still be funny? I guess it is OK to hat Wiccans because they are such a SMALL minority.

  27. […] this scandal, with some in the yoga community making jokes about becoming Wiccan to help them find “a little more action on the mat.” All the while, it was clear that reporters would eventually expand into investigating […]

  28. […] at the upside, perhaps now that John is here I will finally get sexually harassed on the mat. Right? Fifteen years practicing and not once have I ever been propositioned in yoga? I’m starting […]