This has been previously published at the Panty Press.
It is back. Like an unwanted houseguest, getting in my way, and keeping me from living the way that is comfortable and familiar, it is back. Hopefully, not to stay and certainly, I had prayed to keep it at bay –– indefinitely.
But, depression is peculiar that way. I am not sure why it is back right in this moment, and I am not going to dare allow it to win. As I have already reached into my pool of resources, thanks to Mister Atlanta being frank and saying not to wait.
There are a myriad of reasons “why now” –– although, to me they seem just the same as last week, before it started to rear it’s head again.
For instance, new and stressful health problems are keeping me from a lot of things that are the fabric of my life. Feeling physically challenged, in pain, mentally tired and limited in physical activity, surely is not helpful.
The long diagnostic process is tiring and at times just scary. The hope is that they figure out which of these auto-immune disorders is kicking my butt quickly, so I can deal and hopefully get back to living how I prefer to live.
Add to that, two teens at home changing so quickly, I barely recognize them and feel their moving away more and more each day. Often it feels like living alone already. Glimpsing into the coming empty nest and not sure that it suits me.
There are more things that I could mention, that add to the equation and my understanding is, that once here in the land of depression, you’re predisposed to the potential for return.
Still, it felt like it came out of nowhere. Blindsided and offended, I quickly felt the lump returning to my throat. What I know is that life will always offer up challenges and it annoys and frustrates me when I am unable to cope in a way that is “appropriate”, to myself.
Several things happened today. First, Atlanta said to call the doctor. That was big. Learning to trust another’s observation, and not wait until things are worse.
Next, while writing my aspiration for the 100000 aspirations project, I found my aspiration to be less global than I expected it would be when I began to write.
I always think of a broader audience when I think of how I’d like to impact the world positively, or wishes for peace in my children’s lifetime, or what can I do differently to be a better person, mother, friend, lover, etc. But, today as I sat down to write my aspiration on the e-wall, I became aware that is was directed specifically to and for myself.
Finally, I was cleaning up broken glass in my daughter’s room, which was left over from the house swaying, in the crazy Boulder windstorm a couple of weeks ago. We had missed some pieces that I just discovered on the window sill. The sun was shining through, and creating the most interesting patterns and colors with the fragments and pieces of shattered glass. Something similar to the children’s toy, Fractiles.
As I was carefully picking the pieces up, I was struck by all the different colors dancing around the room and the amazing array of shapes, as well. What struck me in that very moment was that while imperfect, the beauty I was enjoying was created as a result of that imperfection.
It was then, I had my aspiration. “I aspire to see my own imperfections with kindness and greater gentleness and to acknowledge that sometimes more beauty is derived due to these imperfections.”
I have said before, I am relatively certain I would not be who I am if not for my experiences, and I guess, that includes this part of my personality. I am certain I will turn the corner and feel better again, especially knowing there is awareness very early on, to watch these signs and not wait to seek help. I hope that physically I can get back on my beloved bike soon and self medicate with the oh-so-powerful endorphins, also. Meanwhile, I will try to see my imperfections with more kindness and look for the beauty that they surely bring.
Edited by: Lindsay Friedman
Deb Caplin is an “entrepreneur”. Your guess of what that means is as good as hers. A Miami native deeply unable to shake her love of all teams Miami and University of Florida –– go Gators. Deb has lived in Boulder for 11 years, where she is currently working on the reinvention of her lingerie business: The T*Bar 3.0. She not only thinks that everyone deserves hot lingerie, but believes deeply in the power of women, feels it’s perfectly okay to carry a cape in your purse, and maintains that Scorpios are a grossly misunderstood bunch. “Passionate, dynamic and loyal,” Deb writes, “we are an emotional check-in for the rest of the planet.” When she’s not hiking, skiing or fishing, Deb is indulging in a not-so-secret love affair with her road bike. You can follow Deb (http://thetbar.wordpress.com/) or the progress of The T*Bar (https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-TBar-Boulder/21931078712 ) and upcoming Talk project (https://www.facebook.com/pages/Its-Time-To-Talk/146598485414460)(http://thetbar.wordpress.com/)… or just go find her at Snooze eating pancakes most mornings.