May 24, 2012

John Friend moving to…Denver?

Denver, The New Buenos Aires? {Satire}

Breaking News! ASAP!

Apparently, all the problems in Anusara, oh heck, in the whole freaking world, are due to me. Can you believe it? And now John Friend is moving to Denver! OMG! What if he’s coming here for me?

The Anusara Leadership Committee is trying very hard to save what is left of one of the finest systems of teaching and understanding yoga after its founder, John Friend, did a lot of really bad stuff. Please read that carefully: John did the bad stuff. I am just writing about it.

Nevertheless, there is a small but mighty group in Colorado which is telling everyone that this is my entire fault. Really! You know I can’t make this stuff up.

This is what one Denver teacher has been saying in his classes: “Poor John! He is a victim” (cue tears here). He is being made a scapegoat by people like me, you know, the “vicious vocal minority” (John’s words actually) who write about him non-stop in the Elephant Journal. And now the Leadership Committee actually wrote in a letter yesterday that if people like me would just stop shining a light on this, then it would go away. You know, sort of like AIDS, or polio or prejudice. If we would just stop focusing on it, it will go away by itself.

Apparently, I’m the one who lied, and closed the pension, had a wiccan coven and slapped teachers on the butt, blah blah blah. (Well, there is this one student of mine who keeps begging me to slap him on the butt. So like Mr.Bikram, what am I to do? What if he kills himself if I don’t slap him on the butt?)

And now this group, well I believe it’s actually five people—the last five people who still admire John Friend on Earth perhaps—have invited him to Denver! The table is set for Friday night, but he’s also planning a move here, I’m told, unless he changes his mind or unless everyone in this city is on crack.

He is coming to scout out the yoga studios, because yes, I believe he’s planning to teach again. The Leadership Committee has made it clear that they will now own the name “Anusara,” and whatever John teaches here in Denver will be called something else. I’m thinking “John-usara.”

Looking at the upside, perhaps now that John is here I will finally get sexually harassed on the mat. Right? Fifteen years practicing and not once have I ever been propositioned in yoga? I’m starting to take it personally. But I’m thinking my odds are looking good.

So, congratulations to the local yoga community. We are now officially the Buenos Aires for the World’s Most Not Wanted Yoga Teacher. I am going to have to get a new bikini to practice yoga, because I understand, that’s how they practice in Argentina, and I might get a nice slap on the butt.

It’s almost enough to make me move to Boulder.

Almost. But. Not. Enough.

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Editor: Kate Bartolotta

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