Spartan Sex. ~ Sandy Rosenblatt

Via elephant journal
on Jul 4, 2012
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All my life, I was taught to “be nice.”

Many times this meant biting my tongue, withholding what I really wanted to say or not expressing how I really felt.

Where did being nice get me?

It got me doing a lot of things I didn’t really want to be doing. It got me telling untruths to make others feel better, and simultaneously made me feel bad for avoid saying what they probably really needed to know, instead saying what they wanted to hear.

In my mind, I was either protecting them from something that would hurt them or protecting myself from the outcome I assumed would take place.

I recently realized just how often and how pervasively this pattern of being nice showed up in my life. I began to wonder: What would my life look like if I began to tell the truth? Not only to others, but also to myself?

Here is my truth:

I recently got out of a long-term relationship. I know I’m not ready to be in a committed relationship in which I give someone my heart. It’s just too soon. I’m also clear that I don’t want a rebound relationship.

My next boyfriend will be my boyfriend because I intend to have a committed relationship with him. I am not interested in hurting someone by using them and letting them think I want or am capable of having a “real” relationship right now. Because today, right now, I’m not there.

My truth is also that I am a woman with sexual needs and desires.

For the past few months, those have lain dormant while I worked through the devastation of the breakup. Then, roughly a month ago, the sexual aspect inside of me woke up. With a vengeance. She was ready to go, ready to make up for lost time. That’s right, she was ready for Spartan Sex.

[Spartan Sex is raw, uninhibited, wild sex with a man who isn’t afraid to throw me over his shoulder and take me, in much the way I imagine Vikings (or Spartans, whichever) took women in the villages they plundered. Spartan Sex is not about being in control or knowing what to do or making something happen. It’s about something happening to you in that wonderful way that certain men have when it comes to sex.]

So, I was ready to find myself a Spartan. But how was I going to do that, since I didn’t want a boyfriend? I didn’t want just some random stranger. Did I just start asking around for it? What were people going to think about me? Would they label me a slut? Ugh, that was all I needed.

This was new territory for me. I wanted something, but I wasn’t exactly sure about how to get it. So what did I do? What comes most naturally to me: I started talking. I started telling my friends I wanted Spartan Sex, and that I wanted to find a Spartan. I let go of what others would think about me and embraced my truth for what it was. I was willing to accept myself for who I was right then, in that present moment.

I found that when I did so, what people would think about me no longer mattered.

This is what was so: I wanted to find someone with whom I could have great sex. You know the kind I’m talking about, where you kiss this person and it’s like nothing else in the world exists, where you’re not predicting what the next move will be because it just happens.

The sex I was looking for was not the kind in which you play the part, but where you just are the part. The sex where thinking stops, and instead it’s all being and doing and passion and connection.

It’s funny how quickly things appear when you’re clear about what you want. I find they come even faster when I communicate them with intention. Within one week of my imagining and creating this relationship that sounded impossible, the darn thing landed in my lap.

OK, he didn’t literally land in my lap, but it was close to that. One evening on our walk back to my car (we were acquaintances already), he asked if I was serious about the type of relationship I wanted—I had shared my desire for Spartan Sex with him and another friend.

When I said yes, he put his hand on my waist, turned me towards him, leaned down and gave me one of the most passionate kisses I’ve ever received. It felt like one of those kisses that you know was meant to be; the kind that feel like they go on for hours, where their style matches yours exactly, and you never want it to end.

We never made it to my car. We did make it to his place, which was around the corner.

But on the walk to his place, my internal mind chatter started to chime in. Did I really want this? Was this really about to happen? Did I want this guy to be my Spartan? Could he even be a Spartan? What if the sex was really bad? Then what? What if he hated my breasts, which sag when I take my bra off? Yes, all of that was really there on our walk. And don’t tell me you wouldn’t be thinking your own version of these things. We all do it!

Then he blurted out, “I have to be honest—I’m a little nervous.” My eyes widened; I was surprised and also inspired by his honesty. I wanted to be honest, too. “I’m convinced when I take my bra off, you’ll be turned off,” I replied.

Did I just say that?

Yes, I did, and I felt relieved. It was as if once I said it, all the stress about it left my body. More importantly, in those few statements we set the tone for a relationship I could have never anticipated. After we shared our anxiety, he picked me up, I wrapped my legs around him, and we kissed again. God, this guy could kiss! And yes, the kissing led to sex. Spartan Sex. And as it turned out, the best sex I’d ever had.

The conversation after we were finished was like none I had ever had before. We actually said what we really wanted to say, not what we thought we were supposed to. This was a new concept for me. We began to talk, but everything said was what we really thought or felt.

We weren’t “nice.” We were honest.

We shared our first impressions of each other—neither of which were good! We shared that we both really loved what had just happened, but neither of us wanted to date the other. Since we were on the topic of truth, I also threw this one out there, which was a huge risk for me: “That was awesome. I want us to continue to do this.”

I was afraid he would say no. He didn’t. In fact, he was on my page, and by the time the night ended, we agreed this wouldn’t be the last time we saw each other “that way.”

It was very late. It was obvious we were very tired; we were both falling asleep. He turned to me, asking whether I wanted to sleep over. Crap—I knew I didn’t. I like to sleep in my own bed. I considered being nice, but again, chose truth.

“Actually,” I said, “I prefer sleeping in my own bed. But I’ll sleep over if you want me to,” I added, then paused. “Do you want me to?” I asked. “No,” he said, “I also prefer to sleep alone. But you looked tired, so I wanted you to feel OK if you wanted to.”

Well, look at that. By telling the truth, we both got what we wanted, rather than something we both would have been uncomfortable with. This whole speaking my mind thing was really starting to look good.

Thus began how we’ve been operating in our non-relationship relationship ever since. What started as me just looking for someone to have sex with turned into something much more meaningful.

I have gotten a person I fully trust. I know he’ll tell me whatever he’s feeling, whether I deem it good or bad—and I can do the same with him. We have created a safe haven where both of us can share what we feel. We talk a lot. In fact, we talk for hours on end. I love this about us.

As of late, he is also the person I’ve been going to when I have something to work out in my life. I know he will allow me to explore myself, guide me to my own solution and do so with honesty and integrity. This man allows me to be me—whatever that may look like. He enjoys seeing me living my truth, and if I don’t know what exactly that is, he is there with me to unearth it.

Just a few short months ago, I was simply looking for someone to have sex with—I  just wanted a Spartan. I got more than I could have ever imagined.

I’m having the best sex I’ve ever had with someone that is quickly becoming a very good friend and with whom I can be 100 percent honest. While I now sleep over from time to time, I still don’t want to be his girlfriend and he doesn’t want to be my boyfriend. We’re both OK with that. Because we’re not”‘nice;” we’re real.

What is really true for him? What is really true for me? Whatever it is, we can be certain that we will share it. Our interactions don’t consist of what we should say or how we should feel, but what is actually so. And that is a huge turn-on in more than just the sexual sense.

In short, at the age of 38 I am learning one of the most profound life lessons I ever have: that for me, there is nothing sexier than being honest.


Sandy Rosenblatt graduated from Pennsylvania State University with a degree in health and human development (family studies) and a minor in women studies.  She also serves as Executive Director of an assisted living home, overseeing care and treatment for people suffering from Alzheimer’s and Dementia. Sandy is an adventure junkie with a soft-but no-nonsense coaching style, who drives her students to improve themselves even when their own insecurities are holding them back. When coaching, she applies “a strong hand in a velvet glove.”


Editor: Cassandra Smith




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45 Responses to “Spartan Sex. ~ Sandy Rosenblatt”

  1. tridentgirl says:

    Dang! That is awesome Sandy! I'm in a similar place, but I need to be clearer with my intentions as I hopefully attract a spartan lover…so thank you for this post!

  2. Thank you so much for sharing that you are in the same space as well. It inspires me that others are willing to share their truth with me. If you set your intention, he will appear.

  3. Ben_Ralston says:

    There's nothing more beautiful to me than honesty – whether raw, or elegant, or sexy, or crass. And nothing less attractive than a mask, or pretence. Keep on keeping it real Sandy, and thank you for writing about it!

  4. Thor says:

    Good for you. Does that include the agreement whether both of you can also have sex with other people in between your meetings? What do you say if he tells you he’s seeing other women, too?

    • Neither of us have had sex with other people during this time. This man is my friend first, and ultimately I want us both happy. If he were to meet another woman or me another man our time would end being physical and our friendship will continue.

      • Thor says:

        If only it's that easy in reality, noh? Even if a woman says there's absolutely no strings attached, totally zero expectations — the constant physical contact creates a primal bond, especially on the woman, that's why in many cases strings are slowly being attached that complications eventually arise when one of them finds someone else they are emotionally, romantically connected with. Can you tell us in all Honesty if there'll never be a pinch on the ego or emotions on your part as a woman if that happens? you know, when he decides to commit to someone one of these days?

        • Shawn Catheriene says:

          Thor ~Attachment, wanting a commitment / wanting "control" of the situation happen with men, too. OR too often men "thinking" that of women / "thinking" for us … and / or projecting their own selves into our lives.

          I HONESTLY can say that I have VERY loving platonic friendships with former lovers — and they with me. It ALL starts with open AND honest communication … the two are not inclusive to one another.

          Can YOU honestly say that there would be no jealousy, ego, "fragile" emotions should a lady friend of yours decides to commit to another — even if you know she's not the "one" for you?

          • Thor says:

            As a guy, there's always gonna be that ego thing of course. But the detachment of emotions from the physical activity has been effortless with someone I knew was not the one, that sometimes I even wished I were more emotional about it so that I could return the favor of having as much creeping expectations from what we were doing as much as she did. So that I could say I played fair even if that was not the original deal. But it always ends up being unfair for them that's why I don't do that now unless I'm really I'm totally interested with her not just sexually. Because as they often admit, it's their primal, feminine cells making them feel (or tricking them?) they were heading somewhere deeper with all that sex!

  5. Griffin says:

    Wow, awesome. I am 30 years old and am just now learning how to be honest instead of “nice” in my relationships and it is awesome and empowering and scary. I really enjoyed reading your article.

  6. Michelle says:

    I am in the same place as you and this is just what I need. Thanks for sharing.

  7. PurBalance says:

    There's pure beauty in honesty. It's absolutely amazing that you have found exactly what you are looking for through being real with yourself and others. Your article is inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing 🙂

  8. Lara says:

    I am also in the same place after living a life of being nice often at the risk of telling the brutal truth. It eventually led to grief and pain that ended the relationship. Had I been honest upfront it could have saved everyone a lot of pain. I have a spartan sex partner of sorts myself and quickly becoming a friend. Its a beautiful thing.

  9. Wow I am so glad to hear there are other women such as myself out there. Thank you for taking a moment to share that with me.

  10. Rick says:

    This is a very insightful post here, I appreciate you taking the time to express your thoughts! I am in a similar boat. Out of a long relationship (well, two back to back to be honest) and whilst looking for sex, I have found a companion who wants the same thing I do. It's a wonderful thing! I'm glad that it can work this way 🙂

    • I am so happy that have also found someone that is looking for exactly what you are. It is a great feeling when you have that someone that is on the same page as you are. Thank you for sharing yourself.

  11. John says:

    Great, another blog about how easy it is for a woman to get laid. Imagine the flip scenario, and a guy was 'honest' to you about wanting a no-strings sexual encounter. You'd be blogging about what a creep he was.

    • Thank you John for addressing this. I can only speak for myself when I write this. I would actually appreciate a man letting me know what he really wants at that moment in his life. If I am also in the same space and feel attraction then I would not be calling him a creep. If he said this to me and I was in the space of wanting a relationship in which I give my heart and he shared what he wanted in a tasteful manner, I would turn him down and appreciate where he is at. I would make the choice not to be with him but certainly would not be calling him a creep. In fact I would rather him state his truth then to pretend he wanted a relationship with me when all he wanted was sex.

  12. Margaret says:

    Ha. Sounds like my ex-lover. There is something missing in your sweet story. I have been through a similar affair. After a few months, I fell in love with the Spartan and he made house calls on-and-off for a few years. The ending was very painful for me and now he has a few "friends" he likes to play with, no strings attached. I think you are playing with fire. This all seems a bit naive.

    • Margaret that you so much for taking the time to comment, open yourself up and let us all read a bit of your story and how it impacted you. I really value when someone is willing to open up and share like you just did. After reading what you wrote I really get why you feel and think the way that you do. I appreciate your writing this.

    • Loulou says:

      I agree. It will be very painful when you realize that no matter how honest you are and how much he enjoys being sexually satisfied by you, he doesn't think of you as someone who would bring happiness to his life and wants to love you. I hope that you guys will be OK. Hopefully you cn talk about your emotion nd not get hurt!

  13. Mary Jane says:

    I like it Sandy. Except for the plundering villages part. As a woman, I'd like to retire that particular imagery.

  14. Elizabeth says:

    I have had a relationship like this and yes the honesty is not just with the lover but with ourselves. It was the best thing i ever did and it was the relationship where i was most kind and real to myself and him. It can hurt but it is also a chance to let go of trying to own and hold another. We are still best friends and just went away together after not seeing each other for 3 years. i am no longer looking for that kind of relationship but he is and we talk about our lover and relationships freely. It is a intense path but worth the risk. Keep being brave.

  15. Thank you so much Elizabeth for getting where I am coming from and where I am in my life as well as sharing yourself. I am so happy you took the time to read what I have written and make a comment.

  16. Pablo says:

    Obviously, the point of this discussion is anything but scholarly, but historically the celebrated sexual practices of Spartan men that were legendary were those with other men. It was a major part of the warrior culture they developed. You seem to be using the term 'Spartan' to re-brand men up-front with their libido (and who you also presumably happen to find attractive) to make it socially acceptable; but whether it is wild sex, rough sex or whatever, I suggest you stop that crap and just live the experience if that's what you crave. However, be very aware that such situations can sometimes turn abusive. BTW, earlier generations would have called it 'caveman sex'.

  17. Ratpack says:

    Is this article written coming from the ego, or coming from the divine self? Acknowledging one’s carnal self is very much commendable coming from a woman. But being clear about intentions for a particular indulgence may be more worthy of consideration, without justification (for example, “I’m having sex because I secretly, subconsciously want a dreaded relationship which I don’t want to deal with now, but it will be great if it saves me in ways I don’t expect, etc…” — Oh women, divine women, how we love ’em complicated!). The writer is saying that she has now sleep overs from time to time, which she clearly appreciates as some sort of a progress from what she initially wanted. Does that also mean at this point she is now open to semblances of progression from basal to “romantic”? Does the appreciation of such development simply means a desire for so much more as things went on? If I’m wrong then please correct such assumptions. If your sex partner is also appreciating the same progress, congratulations. If not, please share it. I for one would like to know how does a woman navigates this so that men can also navigate more honestly with the least trouble and with more honesty if they are in the same situation as your partner. Thanksomuch!

    • Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and inquiring about the space that I am in. Right now sleeping over meant exactly that sleeping over. I may be sleeping over because it is late and I am tired, it may be because he asked me to. For me there is no hidden meaning behind it. Right now I am in the space of not wanting a serious relationship but I do enjoy spending time with a man that is my friend. I have no other hidden agenda. I cannot speak for other women but as you have read I am happy to share myself, who I am and the space that I am currently in.

  18. Shavano51 says:

    Sandy, also enjoyed your piece in Elephant Journal on "Spartan Sex". As a male, I appreciated your honest and the trust you placed in your readers. AND, I also found it curiously inspiring. Best wishes from Colorado…

  19. […] does a meditator do when she has the urge to masturbate (about the young muscular man at the ashram)? What does an internationally renowned teacher do when he no longer finds his […]

  20. […] your own? Do you end up listening because you are afraid to hurt the talker by disengaging or by telling your truth about feeling bored and […]

  21. jdhimes81 says:

    Mutual selfishness confused with honesty.

  22. Alina says:

    Being true to oneself requires maturity and confidence so one can feel comfortable being oneself. There are certain situations when one was raised "to be nice" or "to please" or societal conformity. At some point wearing a mask starts being disturbing. One can choose to start being and living the truth, or becomes introverted to the point of social anxiety or even depression. Is it the fear of rejection going to prevail? Is the truth going to prevail? I strongly believe that one needs to be best friends with their partner before taking in to the next level, show one's naked true (sometimes happy and sometimes pissed off) self…those who really like you will appreciate and stay. Those that choose to run away are not meant to impact ones life. 🙂

  23. Giovanna says:

    When this article first posted (or I guess when I first saw it) I finally was able to articulate the kind of relationship I was looking for… for months I was looking for my Spartan. Once I clearly understood and was able to describe the kind of relationship I wanted (because of this article) I found my Spartan! It is the most refreshing relationship I have ever had. Honesty, communication, and compassion are it's core values, and we can spend time apart without obsessing over the other person and what they're doing. It's been a big teacher on how to live in the moment for me, not knowing when things may end. So, thank you so so much for the article Sandy!

  24. ashley beck says:

    Thank you so much for writing this Sandy! It's awesome and hit home for me. It shows again what truth, authentic and clear intentions do for you. When you can clear all the stories, it's so simply and honest. And I believe when it's the right thing for you, it just shows up. I have recently, this week, have been having these kind of truths about what I want in a relationship and otherwise just showing up in front of me. Thank you for sharing this feeling and vibration of complete truth without any pleasing. It feels like freedom.

  25. Thank you Ashley. I also believe in once you own your truth the very things that are meant to show up and flow into your life will. It sounds like that is what has been happening for you. Fabulous.

  26. Samir says:

    I guess this what is know as friends with benefits or targeting a friend like a piece of meat. The definition of friendship has completely changed as we evolve, I wonder if in future words like soul mate, life partner or a spouse will have any meaning left or kids in the future would even respect or treat a friend as a friend. Perhaps you are mature enough to understand the difference but, kids or young adults won’t understand this and learn from what they see around or is encouraged as a practice, now that could leave a scar on their life as they grow up or maybe not. Slowly we are going back to the stone age where everyone is a happy rabbit with no strings attached. Also honesty is a rare gem but, diamond can be cruel too. Just a ‘Honest’ opinion, don’t shoot me :p

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