August 9, 2012

10 Things You’re doing instead of Caring about Climate Change.

Climate Change is big, scary, it’s happening for sure.

Unless you watch Fox, then it’s a brilliant conspiracy by thousands of scientists and Al Gore, that overweight big-house-living, plane-flying hypocrite. In any case, it’ll probably just really crush your children, not you. And your children, having learned from the masters, will just hunker down in AC and squeeze the Mother Earth for a little last love—it’s your grandchildren who’ll really get it. So, back to feeling vaguely bad about it but not knowing what to do about it, which translates as, at best, buying a Prius and trying to use less chemicals in your hot tub while the world burns. ~ ed.

1. Looking at that chick/hunk at your local Starbucks and wishing you had the balls/guts to talk to him her
2. Eating that GMO plastic-wrapped crap while thinking about losing those five pounds
3. Watching some shit you don’t care about on Netflix Instant while eating more crap before getting up and getting just one more thing of crap that you shouldn’t have but you need some pleasure in your life. Returning to couch, watching the Kardashians and enjoying thoroughly.
4. Texting while walking.
5. Texting while driving (gossiping about the neighbor who wears her jeans too tight).
6. Spending money you don’t have that you didn’t plan to spend on things you don’t need that were Made in China, taking jobs away from idiots like us, forcing us to save money by buying cheap crap Made in China at megastores that supplant local mom n’pops, pay crap wages, and make their owners ka-billionairs who fund the Tea Party and fight against Obamacare, support Upper Class tax cuts.
7. Reading about Climate Change while wearing a sweater in the middle of summer because coal-fired or fracking-sourced electricity-hogging AC is on full blast
8. Worrying about your love life, consoling self with trite, soon-forgotten, loosely translated Rumi quotes on Pinterest
9. surfing the internet, reading articles with funny headlines that make you feel even worse about yourself sharing said articles on your Facebook page, by way of inoculating yourself against guilt, implying that it’s others who are wasteful thoughtful fools
10. looking at photos of naked Adam Levine, Ryan Gosling, Ryan Lochte, Robert Pattinson, Zac Efron/Kristen Stewart, Scarlett Johansson, Katy Perry, Padma Lakshmi, Anne Hathaway, Kate Upton.

To read something on Climate Change, but not do anything about it, click here.

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