Go Ahead, Call Me a Bitch.

Via Kate Bartolotta
on Sep 9, 2012
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It’s time we all get over the pathological need to be liked.

I had a fellow writer leave me a (positive) comment yesterday, saying “Yeah, bitch!” and then disclaimed that she meant it in the best girl-power way possible, which was how I took it anyway, considering the source.

I started thinking about two things:

1. We get awfully hung up on this word sometimes. Like many other “bad” words, the offense has much more to do with the intention behind it than the word itself.

You could call me “fluffy bunnykins” with anger and hatred behind it, and it would be more offensive than bitch. A women’s studies professor I had in college used to refer to it as “Being In Total Control of Herself.” I like it.

2. We (especially women, but I’ll make this a genderless “we”), are too concerned with being perceived as “nice.”

Forget nice.

Politeness is wonderful; I make a point of it. Be kind. Kindness is free and has endless benefits. Be compassionate. Compassion takes courage and self-love. But nice?

How about instead of trying so hard to be nice, to be constantly concerned with other’s opinions of us, we strive to be genuine?

How about instead of worrying that we’ll be misunderstood and disliked, we seek to understand and have compassion for others?

I would rather spend time with people who are genuine than spend time surrounded by people who are stuck in the box of being nice, nervously trying not to break out of it for fear being disliked.

Every bit of energy wasted on “nice” could have been spent laughing too loud, or dancing in public, or kissing for too long, or speaking the truth  or helping make someone’s day better—instead of just making sure she thinks you are “nice.”

Every time that you let go of you in order to be nice, you miss out on a chance to let people know you and love you for who you are.

How about we let go of “nice” and remember how to be real.

To all the people I love, I love you because you are real.

I love you because you are weird and random, compassionate and kind—even if it means you aren’t always nice. And really, whether I’m being a bitch and you’re calling me on it—or it’s affectionate girl-power silliness, I’d rather be called a bitch for being myself, than be called “nice” because I was acting like someone else.



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About Kate Bartolotta

Kate Bartolotta is a wellness cheerleader, yogini storyteller, and self-care maven. She also writes for Huffington Post, Yoga International, Mantra Yoga+ Health, a beauty full mind, The Good Men Project, The Green Divas, The Body Project, Project Eve, Thought Catalog and Soulseeds. Kate's books are now available on Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.com. She is passionate about helping people fall in love with their lives. You can connect with Kate on Facebook and Instagram.


23 Responses to “Go Ahead, Call Me a Bitch.”

  1. LynnBonelli says:

    This is so timely for me…after an especially heated FB debate over politics and "appropriate" things to post on FB so as not to offend my "friends" here you are posting *this*. Me, always trying to be the peace keeper since I can remember…afraid to overhear someone saying I'm mean or worse. I'm with you though…fuck it. This is me in all my glory. I'm getting too old to keep worrying about who might want to stop being my friend like we all did to each other on the playground in kindergarten. As the saying goes…I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not.

  2. slsimms says:

    I LOVE this Kate!!!! I still really do dislike the word but I definitely get the message. A friend of mine said, "you can call any woman a bitch if you put "bad" in front of it. They like it."


  3. Irene says:

    Right on! I love this – thanks.

  4. DianneBondy says:


  5. Lori Ann Lothian says:

    Yep!!!! "How about instead of trying so hard to be nice, to be constantly concerned with other’s opinions of us, we strive to be genuine?""

  6. Thanks Lynn—yes! "I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not."

  7. Are you a good bitch or a bad bitch? Probably depends on the day, for me! Thanks ShaMecha!

  8. Ronna26 says:

    Kate I absolutely love this. If more people acted from a place of compassion and love and just kept doing the next right thing, perhaps they wouldn’t worry as much about being liked. ‘Being liked, has never been ‘ being true’.

  9. debradeangelo says:

    OMFG, it's like you wrote a personal column just for ME!!!! Plucked it right out of my soul! I'm a columnist, and have made my way on saying what I have to say, the way I want to say it. And if someone gets offended… OH WELL.

    WOW, I love this column. Will repost and share liberally. Thank you thank you thank you!!!

  10. Sybil says:

    yeah……I'm real tired of being nice. Love the idea of being genuine or authentic…..even if that means NOT being nice. I think I have a deep level distrust of people who are nice. Polite – yes. Compassionate – yes. Nice – not so much anymore.

  11. Heather says:

    Great read…!!!

    I also read somewhere a long time ago…that the world was filled with NICE people….but very few spiritual people. I took that to mean if we were really spiritual we might be speaking bit more openly, frankly and with less of a veneer.

    Fear makes people cringe at not being liked but the inner cost of that is indeed very high….

  12. Agreed. Authentic is better than "nice" 100% of the time.

  13. Thanks Ronna! I think focusing on how we treat others and less on how we're perceived is key there.

  14. jamesvincentknowles says:

    Genuine. Authentic. Real. Dig this~!

    I once had a girlfriend who was constantly telling me to be "nice." So one day I got out the full version of the OED & looked it up. Guess what? The original definition of "nice" ~? Ignorant. (not stupid, not mean, not kind, IGNORANT.

    And isn't that just so true? I could write a book about it. Platitudes & affirmations. Give me genuine anytime & add integrity, curiosity, willingness to work through differences to understanding (even if it's agreeing to disagree), and take the time to express feelings. Or just be nice, but please realize, nice is a small place to be.

  15. […] was that early in the morning and why couldn’t she cook her breakfast in the downstairs kitchen. I did not have any attention on her or how she would feel about my tirade. After the words rolled out of my mouth, I looked up at her face and I wished I could take them back […]

  16. […] our time together I found out that I had the propensity to be a rage-filled, hateful, destructive bitch. He would hide the laptop, demand access to my MySpace and Facebook pages to send anyone with a […]

  17. John H says:

    I once worked with a Canadian therapist that had a theory about the "devil" and the "witch". He believed that surrounding our spiritual core is a 'shadow power" the devil or witch (bitch) who protected the "pure" core from violation from the temporal world. It is naive to believe we can always be "nice" and walk unprotected among toxic people and organizations. The shadow self is part of our loving self. When we honor our shadow then we can have access to that which is being held sacred beyond the defense. Integrity is the ability to integrate both our shadow and light selves so we can fully engage with the world and others.