Sex And Love
When I was a college student, I wrote a poem with those words: “Is it fashion, copulation without the passion,” rather curious about whether people had sex because it was the thing to do or rather because it was a way to express one’s feelings. At the time I was unsure as to why I had sex when I did.
I was young and attractive but did not know it. My self-esteem faltered on the exhale and I did not know who I was. I did know I craved attention and my official “first love” ripped me open but in all fairness, he was evening the score.
My youth was wrought with inner chaos and confusion. My mom used to say if a man even looked my way, I was ready to go anywhere he asked me to go.
Sex was not sacred; the friends I met in high school had done it all in junior high school. They prepared me for the actions, but nothing prepared me for the feelings.
There was the tingle and shiver of attraction, the joy of turning heads, the thrill of the moment. “Love the one you’re with,” was the song I remember. And so I tried, confusing lust for love, mistaking a young man’s drive and need for affection and the desire to please any man as the point of sex.
In fact, the first man who asked me how I felt when playing around rather shocked me. And after college when a man told me it was supposed to be fun, I was again surprised.
Today, I see young beautiful women and I understand how those young heterosexual men want to devour them in all ways. And I know deceit and manipulation happens on both sides of the streets. Being an insecure vulnerable young woman I attracted men who preyed on women like me: older, smooth and often only looking to fulfill their need for the moment without a care for me.
The emptiness of a one night stand reminds me of a loneliness I have not felt since then. I do not believe those men and women who claim intimacy, and copulation, is possible without emotion.
How can two people get so close and be vulnerable without allowing feeling to come to play? Maybe some do but I just find it hard to believe.
Now, in my 53 and half years, I live a simple life. I don’t have kids. I love my husband of 15 years. From the first night we spent together, we were never apart for three or four years. My husband is the one man who has never been disrespectful to me in any way; there are very few men who I have been close to I can say that about in my life.
Maybe that says more about me but experience tells me that when a man or woman operates from a base of fear and inadequacy, she/he has to undermine others to feel any worth.
So today, is copulation more fashion than passion?
I don’t know. I know passion does not last where friendship does. And love, though always beautiful, is always imperfect. Many don’t know how to love the self so how then can they embrace another?
And sex is meant as way of connecting physically so two spirits can touch and share.
But I honestly wonder how many truly “make love” to their beloved? That requires an openness and honesty that few have, myself included.
Intimacy demands all, gives all, and takes all.
What do you think?
Copulation is easy; love is what we all wantand if we’re lucky, life will keep teaching us how to love more, deeper and with all our heart, mind, body and spirit.
I am a full time yoga teacher, trained at City Fitness in Washington, DC and Willow Street Yoga Center in Silver Spring, Maryland. I have been writing poetry since I was nine years old. Poetry is my first love and yoga continues to feed my heart. I write because I love it. I teach because I love it. I tell my students all the time: do it because you can. That works for me. I believe in creating opportunity. I believe in helping my self and others. I think faith is the most important gift of life, because when we lose everything else we still have that in our heart. I believe the natural state of being is happiness, or bliss, or Ananda. Life is a celebration. Poetry and yoga help me celebrate. Check out my blog and website here.
Ed: Bryonie Wise
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