Want to make your relationship work?
Stop fixing the other person.
They’re not broke and neither are you.
Complaining, nagging, sighing, whining and bullying will not change someone. Although, they may temporarily give into what you want, a solid relationship this does not make.
We sometimes choose the flaws of our mates to fixate on and believe if “only” those things would change, then we’d live happily ever after. Except happily ever after does not exist because our mate finally acquiesced to our demands.
Happily ever after kinda exists, for each of us when we get clear on two things. Happiness is transient when it’s controlled by outside circumstances and the gift of life is not living in a constant state of exciting bliss.
Bringing me to the second item on this list.
There’s a fantasy involved in our goal of achieving a constant state of bliss.
Sure, it might be possible to achieve such a state, if you could spend your life under a Bodhi tree meditating daily, but even that would be called peace, fulfillment, connection or even simple joy. And if you’re like me, you’d want to go and experience life, too.
Meaning, if we expect this state of happiness in our relationship, which cannot be achieved, we’re in turn setting the relationship up for failure.
There’s no perfect mate, no perfect us, so when we take the expectation off the other person to fulfill us in this manner, we have the opportunity to just be in it.
Take the attention you spend in fixing or complaining about your mate and turn it inward. Usually, when we spend time focused on our mate’s flaws, we’re ignoring our own blaring issues, which stand in our way of a more enjoyable experience.
What happens when we let go of all that energy focused on the impossible goal of changing someone else? We have time to discover who we are, what we want, and get clear on why we are with someone we feel needs some fixin’.
This one isn’t about fixing someone through complaining, it’s about killing someone with kindness to get them to change.
No matter how much energy we put into someone else’s well-being, we’ll never get it back how we want it.
Men and women giving constant attention to their mate; making it easier, apologizing, putting up with abuse, saying “yes,” when they mean no and dropping everything–their entire life—for the presumption that they’re making their mate happy, is a crock of s*it!
We can’t make someone else happy. It’s their choice to live in whatever emotional state they choose.
We all make that choice, every minute of every day.
No matter how great we think we are to this person, it’ll never be enough to cure, satisfy or change them. It’s within their own control, only.
You’ll never get what you want when you lose yourself in someone else.
Whenever we give in, an inauthentic way to someone else, to get them to realize they need to change, act right or be that great person (that we’ve witnessed in fleeting moments), we’re selling ourselves swampland in Florida.
We choose how we want to react. Most of us don’t understand why we react in a certain manner to life, people and our significant others. We do what we’re used to doing, “when A happens, then I do B.”
When we continue to react without knowing or understanding our reactions, we’ll continue to set up the same circumstances in our relationships. The next time you start to react to something, catch yourself and ask why you have the perception you do, that you must react in this way.
Perhaps, you can stop yourself from reacting by seeing why you believe what you do in the first place? If you hear certain words from your mate, what does it trigger in you? When you connect those dots, you can change your perception and respond in a completely different way.
Why is that?
Cuz….you won’t be taking their words and actions personally. You’ll realize how you make your own reality through your choices and the reality is you can make our relationships a battlefield or a low-key theme park.
Be in agreement with your mate about the commitment to the relationship. Are you both in it, partially in it or waiting for something better to come along?
If you’re both committed to the same goal, remember that when you feel upset. You both will make mistakes. It’s okay.
If you’re not committed to the same goal, then maybe it’s time to formulate an exit plan or get on the same page.
Communicate authentically and without manipulation whenever possible.
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Ed: Lynn Hasselberger
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