Why Your Ex Is Getting Over You Faster.

Via Ellen Smoak
on Mar 28, 2013
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GoodbyeStuff [iStock]

Time and time again, my private clients, readers and loyal fans ask me this same question: Why do men seem to get over a breakup faster than women?

I find this one of the most interesting topics surrounding breaking up…one that needs much more light shed on it to fully understand why.

This is a question that I am particularly capable of answering—why?

Because I got over my ex the way a man moves on from a woman.

No, I didn’t run off to a strip joint.

No, I didn’t go out every night with my friends and get wasted at the local bar. And no, I didn’t jump into the arms of the next hottie that winked in my direction just to have a warm body next to me in my very empty bed.

I know that you are thinking your ex must be doing these things, and that this must by why it seems like he’s getting over you faster than you are getting over him, but this just isn’t the case.

He may very well be doing these things, but I can promise you it’s not the reason why he’s getting over you faster than you are getting over him.

Before I tell you why your ex (or any man) gets over you (or any woman) faster than you can get over him, I want to preface this by saying it’s something that comes more naturally to them than to us.

But just because it comes more naturally to them, doesn’t mean that you can’t do the same thing.

Once you learn what he’s doing to get over you faster, you can actually do it better. 


Because once you learn what to do, you’ll actually be conscious of what you’re doing to get over him just as fast and you’ll implement his process with an absolutely clear, powerful intention.

And with that kind of intention (instead of just doing something because it’s second nature and therefore many times unconsciously) you’ll be activating the powerful Law of Intention.

The Law of Intention states that our intentions are actually more powerful than our hopes, wishes and wants. When we state an intention, gather our energies, and keep our target in our sites, the universe will back our intentions.

Therefore, when practiced, the Law of Intention is the basis of all manifestations.

So, back to getting over a breakup and why it seems easier for men than it does for women…

Your ex is a man (I’m assuming). Men are naturally made up of more masculine energy than women, although women can develop just as much depending on their life’s circumstances.

Masculine energy is rooted in strength. It’s the goal oriented, focused energy that creates independence, self-confidence and accomplishment. It’s the energy behind drive, goal setting and not giving up until you’ve ‘won.’

Let’s look at an example:

When a man decides to get in shape, he might quite literally get out a notebook, separate the page into seven columns and track each workout throughout the week.

If you have plans with him, he’ll make sure to squeeze in a workout before your date. If you ask him to do something earlier that interferes with his workout, he may very well say no.

He’s taking care of himself then. And he’s not going to let you (or anything else) interfere. He’s focused, determined, and driven to succeed at his goal. His mind is made up…Period. End of story.

What you need to understand here is that a man does the same thing when be breaks up with a woman (or is broken up with by her). And by nature, the only thing he knows how to do (because he’s being run mostly by masculine energy) is to get over it as if it’s a new goal on his list.

So, enter masculine energy at its best…bringing a man’s strength, determination and drive to get over you as fast and humanly possible. It’s just how he’s wired, my dear.

Your ex isn’t getting over you faster because he didn’t love you, doesn’t still care, or because your relationship was a ‘fake.’

He’s getting over you faster because it comes as second nature to him.

This doesn’t mean that you, too, can’t get over your ex with this kind of sheer determination. But for you (as with most women), it’s going to take setting an intention to mend your broken heart  as if your life depends on it.

It’s going to take you setting an intention to get over him with all the strength, self-respect, and energy you have left inside that beautiful body of yours.

You literally have to put yourself on a mission to heal your broken heart. And just like accomplishing any mission in life, it’s going to take focus, time and discipline.

You’ll be amazed at how quickly you start to feel better…how quickly you begin to feel energized, refreshed and renewed.

This is how success feels. It will come from cultivating your masculine energy and focusing on healing above anything else. Once you’ve done this…once you’ve begun to heal…you’ll be well on your way to starting your life over, too.

Just like you’re watching your ex do right before your eyes.

So, have you set your intention to heal? What it is? Have you set set your intention and declared to the universe that you’re not only ready to heal, but that you intend to heal with every ounce of your being?

Write it down. Create an intention statement. Here’s an example:

“I declare my heart’s independence and support myself fully and completely to heal every ounce of my being!”

And remember, once you set this intention…the intention to end your pain and suffering and love yourself enough to help yourself heal…the universe will start to back your intention and begin to help manifest the strength, courage and faith that you need to continue walking your path of recovery.

The universe really is on your side—but only if you allow it to be!




The Laws of Breaking Up & Getting Over it.

12 Tips for Getting Through a Breakup. ~ Renée Picard

How To Survive A Breakup Without Closure. ~ Jen Donnell



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About Ellen Smoak

Ellen Smoak was called a “true change agent” by New York Times bestselling author Marci Shimoff and her work has been featured on ABC, NBC, Yahoo, and FOX. Her mission is to help you realize the power within you to create the life you want and the love you deserve. Ellen’s #1 bestselling book "Breakups Are A Bitch, But Getting Over It Doesn't Have To Be!" has been read in over 27 countries and her online courses have transformed thousands of lives around the world. A South Carolina native who spent her twenties in San Diego, Ellen combines her East Coast sensibility with her West Coast to inspire a global audience to take charge of their happiness by teaching them how to access their power, boost their confidence, and increase their self-love -- the three ingredients that Ellen believes will make it possible for you to get anything and anyone you want. To get Ellen's free video series "How to Beat Your Broken Heart BEFORE it Beats YOU" click here.


33 Responses to “Why Your Ex Is Getting Over You Faster.”

  1. keelyellenmarie says:

    Ugh, yay gender stereotypes. None of the four men I have dated have anything remotely like the coping style you describe… in fact, the guys in my relationships were the people who couldn't move on.

  2. crimsunkg says:

    While I concur that there seems to be non-trivial stereotyping, what we readers could substitute is the general self. Surely we embody some degree of resilience; then the takeaway is that we should take care of ourselves with all the love and compassion sometimes reserved for others.

  3. Diane D'Angelo says:

    I much prefer Susan Piver's book, "The Wisdom of a Broken Heart."

  4. Yogi says:

    Thought provoking and interesting, even though there were too many grammatical errors! Just sayin.

  5. Muks says:

    I had expected an insightful article about comparing our insides to other people's outsides. I am not sure where I read it but my understanding is that men take longer on average than women to get over a breakup. Still I have the impression that men get quickly over me while crying oh so long for some other chic.

    By the way, I am much more of a planner than my boyfriend. Therefore he is more spontaneous. I don't think these traits of character have anything to do with gender.

    Thanks anyway to put your thoughts out there.

  6. Alain says:

    You just copied a person else’s tale

  7. Lyn says:

    This is great – EXaholics.com is another good resource.

  8. Robin says:

    Thank you for putting into words what I was forced to learn this year. Life made me get over my ex sooner than he got over me because so many other occurrences in my life made me actively choose and fully intend for us to be over-for better or worse. At first I played the "feminine" role and then I switched to play the "masculine" role in your generalizations. I don't agree with the gender roles per se but there are different ways to approach things like this that may appear as polar opposites or mixtures in certain people. There is a very impressive power in simply making a decision that I only recently discovered in this context.

  9. Joshua says:

    I'm feeling like you may be finding a sense of release in discovering a certain expression of your gender identity that may have previously been suppressed. There are certainly other women who haven't discovered how to express their full personality in this regard, but I don't see this post as a general solution that is viable across the board. It primarily sounded to me like an overcompensation that was made by someone who was insecure and felt a huge need to get out of pain, as though the natural healing time weren't fast enough. I think that a balanced and healthy response to emotional pain in a breakup involves generally rediscovering who you are without the other person, being honest about what pain is there and creating a lot of space inside for it to be there as you go through whatever stages of healing you need. I think that mimicking men who are internally calibrated to break commitments with the women in their lives and limit intimacy, because they sense these things as infringements on their freedom is a poor strategy for healing wounds.

  10. Becky says:

    This felt just like watching an infomercial. The law of intention seems like a legitimate way of thinking to get things done. But the links went to a fluffy little column about being your bad-ass self or something similar, where you could then purchase the author’s products. Out of all the articles I’ve read here, this is the first time I’ve felt the need to say this: I’m disappointed in you, Elephant Journal.

  11. Laura says:

    Another gender stereotype that is completely wrong….in fact I always assumed it was the opposite if anything. I'm a woman, I wouldn't consider myself masculine at all, and yet it's always been me that recovers and moves on at almost lightning speeds….really pisses guys off, best revenge ever lol. I've just always been the type of person who cuts my losses quickly and adapts and moves on. No use on dwelling on failed love when there is sooooo much love to go around. I'd rather pick myself up, learn from my mistakes and look for someone better next time around. Some used to call me a serial dater, but I was just trying to experience life and learn by trial and error. I now have a wonderful husband, better than any parter I could have ever hoped for, and one I wouldn't have if I'd spent too much time dwelling on my exes.

  12. Laura says:

    I feel the same way! Two of my first boyfriends banded together to make my life miserable as revenge for me moving on so quickly. Another ended up messaging me a year later telling me he needed another chance, but I'd already been dating someone else for about that long. The next one stalked me after we broke up, then I moved cities and he continued to call me over a year later to hash things out….. There was another who almost moved cities to move with me (I was looking at my move as an excuse for a clean break!) but I managed to convince him he was better off going back home… Later he messages me about how he took me for granted and regretted it. I couldn't stomach the thought of dwelling on these guys or the relationships we were I because the reasons they all ended included me not being happy.

  13. Stephanie says:

    I enjoyed this, and am going to incorporate this law of intention into my healing process. Thank you for sharing!! The men I've dated do tend to be similar to those you've portrayed here. Why it didn't dawn on me before I read this, to focus on getting over it, rather than live in the grief and good memories is beyond me, but I'm going to start now. Day 1 of being determined to get over this already. Wish me luck!

  14. alex says:

    gender stereotypes are horrendous here, can't relate to this at all, bad advice. Love is love regardless of gender and break ups affect individuals in different ways – also men may appear to cope better – but if we are going to 'gender stereotype' surely this is more likely due to an inability to publicly show emotion .. (also changing and not the case often today, some women may also put on a very good front) it doesn't mean that they don't have the same inner heartache.
    I know many women who are very organised, driven and plan in the ways you say are 'natural' to men – this is not natural to men and women are just as capable if they are treat as equals from a young age. Being too driven and neglecting emotions can sometimes be a very negative thing indeed – I really think your piece needs re-reading and reflecting on, reading it angered me.

  15. Melissa B says:

    This article is completely stereotypical, and quite frankly, it is incorrect. This certainly does not, under any circumstances, apply to all women, and it certainly not apply to all men, either. It appears to apply to weak women, with not much sense of strength or self, and if that's how our gender is viewed as a whole, then I am genuinely offended. Grown, confident women do not behave like this, I'm sorry. We can recognize when something is not right for us, put it in the back of our minds where it belongs, and move forward with dignity. We will go through the necessary emotions, and may not need to jump into bed with the next thing that crosses our path, as a lot of men seem to, but it doesn't mean that we're not putting them behind us. It means we're putting ourselves first – before any man, and allowing ourselves to heal. Sorry, this is my least favourite article that I've ever read on this site. Simply not true, in my opinion.

  16. guest says:

    I like the point you made. It is good to look at the situation from a realistic view.

  17. guest says:

    I think the advice given here is fantastic. Good stuff from Ellen Smoak.

  18. Galen says:

    I can't really add to any of the comments except to say that I am in agreement with those who were disappointed by this article. However it does have the light and fluffy stereotype driven hollow self help messages that I have seen in most of EJ's articles of late. I could throw a stone and find twenty case studies that show the opposite pattern and twenty that support it. Human beings are by nature capricious and varied. Everyone recovers at their own pace and generalizing based on gender is not only scientifically fallacious, but ridiculous.

    Frankly I'm also a bit insulted as this belittles the emotional impact a relationship can have to me simply because of my gender.

  19. Liz says:

    I totally agree, Melissa. and never once have I set an intention, put it on a post it and stuck it on my bathroom mirror to "move on!" Puh-LEASE! Get real here. Who is this author?!!

  20. sableswitch says:

    Incredibly insightful, Joshua!

  21. This was an exceptionally inspiring and well written article. I enjoyed how you’ve described this process for men and how it differs from how women might approach it. It also helped me to better understand how my ex was able to move forward so quickly, with the intention to get over me, but also combined with the intention of meeting someone new. Thank you for this reminder to remain focused on our intentions and move forward, harvesting the lessons from our past relationships while moving forward 🙂

  22. Cheryl says:

    Ewww… total stereotyping and gender role ridden, and completely untrue.

  23. Marc Van Steenkiste says:

    Sorry, being a man I absolutely disagree. More ex partners (women) got faster over me than the other way around. I guess the one who leaves has the advantage. And in most of the cases around me it’s the woman who leaves and (allow me to be a bit cynical) the man who pays. Maybe that explains something.

  24. Lyndsay says:

    Fascinating article on brain chemistry on EXaholics.com: http://www.exaholics.com/2014/09/25/brain-love/

  25. Nunki says:

    Yeeaaa, this seems like a very narrow view on how post-breakup dynamics go. What about the idea that maybe the person (male or female) that seems like they're getting over things is just repressing feeling anything negative? Surely after any significant amount of time spent with another person in a relationship, there should be some kind of regrouping period for each party to recenter themselves? Perhaps a person's failure to do this and immediately jump into dating, bar-hopping, clubbing, whatever….might mean they're just not doing that? I totally get the idea of wanting to get over someone (being determined as the article states) rather than lingering in some kind of victim mode or even waiting for the ex to come back….but I don't think the context in which the article is written is really conducive to making THAT point.

  26. ruby says:

    wow, love yr positivity. You go girl. I feel better after reading this.

  27. Joe says:

    Well, I am a man, 34 years old and I have to say that I am having a terrible time getting over and moving on from my ex. The first of the year was my last day home, so I've been out of the house for 3 months. We spent 11 wonderful, or so I thought, years together and we have 2 children together. She told me that she doesn't feel the same way about me any more. She did not want to put in any more effort, speak to a private counselor or anything. I moved out of the house, so she could have the home for the kids. Left my car and all my belongings. She has found someone else and is supposedly extremely happy. I don't understand how 3 months is enough time to replace someone that was in your life for that long. Why? What did I do wrong? Why am I still grasping on to what I think is there, even though, she has told me there is nothing? I don't want to move on. I want back what I had. I have no problem not being with anyone else for the rest of my life, because I don't believe anyone else can or ever will make me as happy as the one I lost. I do believe she was my soulmate. Any help or support, would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all in advance.

  28. Morten Soerensen says:

    Ellen, terrific article, and great point, mirrored by my experience.

    One thing: you probably meant target in our ‘sights’, rather than ‘sites’ 🙂

  29. Sean says:

    I am truly sorry for what you are going through Joe

  30. Sean says:

    This article definitely does not speak for all men. I've always had a long healing process when it came to break ups.
    I don't see this as a weakness though.
    I abstain for long periods of time after and even the times I wouldn't I still wouldn't be over the break up.
    It'll be a year in a few weeks since my last break up and I still feel the sting
    I still think about her every day.
    My heart lungs and guts still do crazy backflips and I still cry myself to sleep at night sometimes
    She was the best mate I have ever had
    I can't speak for her at this point but I know that I have never reached that point of vulnerability with anyone else and was so comfortable with it
    I've tried seeing someone else since but that did not last long
    it really did pale in comparison to what I have experienced
    I just wasn't over the last one
    It was just so true and so clear
    There was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt
    Now I just live in servitude for others
    I try to love everyone and everything that crosses my path
    It's still hard for me to even see in my mind being romantic with somebody else.
    I never really talk about this with anyone in my life and here I am pouring my guts out on a comment stream haha thank you

  31. Rosie says:

    Hey Joe, so sorry to hear of your situation, I can't imagine how that must feel.
    I was wondering how you were getting on now?

  32. eva says:

    My husband has abandon me and the kids for the past 8months now, and refuse to come back because he was hold on by a woman whom he just met, for that, my self and the kids has been suffering and it has been heel of a struggle, but I decide to do all means to make sure that my family come together as it use to, then I went online there I saw so many good talk about this spell caster whose name is prophet john so I had to contact him and in just 4days as he has promised, my husband came home and his behavior was back to the man I got married to.I cant thank the spell caster enough what he did for me, I am so grateful. I spoke to the spell caster on phone, to confirm his existence. His email is:[email protected]

  33. Valya says:

    I dumped my ex and then i had a relationship with another guy. After a month i saw him looking so smoky hot. I was amazed and felt a little bit regret for breaking up with him. But i had bf back then.
    Then my ex dumped me because he said he doesnt love me anymore and hes flirting with other girls through dating app. Hes a coward. After 2 days broke up he then came out differently. He bought new clothes, had a new haircut, and looked totally diff. I felt devastated as i started to think he may be seeing other girls. Im still torn here after a week breaking up with him. But i promise ill go to gym and make myself look as gorgeous as i can be.
    Its hilarious how this thing could effect the dumpers mind.