4.4
August 2, 2013

Caught Between Monogamy & Polyamory: A Case of One-itis.

A Further Analysis of Monogamy and Polyamory

I woke up in a sweat. “Oh, my goddess! I have a case of One-itis,” I thought as I jumped out of bed in a state of confusion and excitement. “What does it mean?!”

In the Pick-Up-Artist culture One-itis is a disease. It happens when one plays the game and falls hard for a specific person, so much to the point that they cannot or do not even care to continue playing.

I am not a PUA. But if I claimed to never play the game, I’d be lying.

I am the woman still debating which is better: monogamy or polyamory. I’m not trying to figure it out for the world, just for myself.

I began this journey three years ago; some of you may be familiar with my article “More Sex with More People: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly of Open Relationships” and the follow-up, “How More Sex with More People was Good, Then Bad, Then Ugly,” that came later.

To save time here’s what happened:

I was in a five+ year long relationship and we together decided to open it from monogamy to polyamory. What that did was expose underlying issues such as bad communication and lack of sexual desire causing the relationship to end permanently.

Since then I’ve been in a state of perplexity.

Technically, I’m in some sort of polyamorous arrangement right now. He’s seeing someone else and I’m at least making out with someone(s) else. This is where it starts to get complicated. I haven’t cared that he has another girlfriend because I keep my knowledge of her and their relationship to a minimum. Will there become a time when I need to learn more? Perhaps. But right now I live by the “not my problem” motto.

Why do I live by the NMP? Because it’s the first time in nearly two years where I like a guy enough to want to see him on a regular basis, but it’s new enough that I have yet to determine how much I want to invest in the “regular basis.”

I know that within the next few months these “one-itis” feelings will fade and I will want to get back in the game, though that doesn’t mean I will have necessarily stopped caring for him.

That’s the problem with the monogamy/polyamory split.

I don’t know if I can ever go back into a monogamous relationship; yet, at the same time, when (whether with this guy or someone else) things start getting more serious, will I be able to handle the alternative?

So, how do I figure out what I want? How do I figure out what works?

When I was in high school my best friend and I would often make lists about why we should or should not go out with a guy. So, that’s what I’m going to do today; though, this time my list isn’t going to be about a specific guy, but about the relationship structures surrounding the guys (and/or gals) I meet in the future.

A Pro/Con List of Monogamy vs. Polyamory

Monogamy

  • ProLoyalty—you know at least one person has your back.
  • ConCan’t bang other people. Have you seen other people? There are a lot of hotties out in the world.
  • ProCommitment–someone is always there for you (at least in theory).
  • ConConfining: monogamy typically sets up unreasonable expectations of behavior that stifle and restrict many people from reaching their true potentials.
  • ProSocially acceptable with an easy-to-follow-script. We’ve been taught since day one the value of heterosexual monogamous relationships, the media alone has helped shape this illusion of love, but we also cannot discount the power of religion and governmental law, particularly in regards to monogamous marriage.
  • ConUnnatural yet socially prescribed. This is based off of scientific and sociological studies such as the one in the book Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan, Ph.D and Cacilda Jethá, MD.

 

Polyamory

  • Pro: Loyalty and commitment—you know at least one but possibly more people have your back.
  • Con: Jealousy—it’s real and it has to be worked at to overcome. But as a friend pointed out, working on understanding and dealing with this feeling has the potential to help tremendously with one’s personal evolution.
  • Pro: Having different experiences (sexually and otherwise) with more than one person. And yes, you can have friendships and activity partners, but deeper intimacy can be reached with more people if there is an overall openness to said intimacies.
  • Con: Not having enough time for everyone you like.
  • Pro: Being able to write your own script.
  • Con: Money. Unless you’re like mega-rich, finances have to be dealt with in a way that is respectful to you and your partners. Who pays for what on dates, vacations, housing situations etc.
  • Pro: More opportunities to learn and grow from a multitude of people without being “afraid” of being attracted to them and upsetting your one and only.

So, obviously there are mega pros and cons in each.

What it comes down to is understanding what I am capable of accepting. It seems like polyamory is an identity, whereas monogamy is a default behavior that people fall into without much critical thinking. I’ve spent quite some time considering what would be best for me.

I know I need a lot of attention and I don’t think it’s fair to put that sort of burden solely on one other person. I think intimacy and romantic love can be developed and shared in multiple relationships if that’s how individuals function best, but it’s up to the individuals to figure that out—whether that’s through list making or actually throwing themselves into these dynamics. I have done both, the list-making and the throwing.

What I find most challenging is that the concepts of polyamory feel right but I have been socially constructed to think and react in the monogamous default. Perhaps the first step is to unlearn everything I’ve been taught regarding how relationships are supposed to function and relearn/re-write the script as I go along.

Like elephant journal gets sexy on Facebook.

Ed: Sara Crolick

You must be logged in to post a comment. Create an account.

Rusalka Aug 4, 2015 4:22pm

I am struggling in a new "relationship", or whatever it is, with a poly man. I have always been a monogamist. He is married, but doesn't live with his wife, and they rarely see each other. We were both very upfront about our lifestyles right off the bat when we first met, so that should've been that, but we like each other and have continued to spend time together for a couple of months now. I have a wonderful time with him, and feel like I am really falling for this man, but I keep having feelings of sadness and questions about what it means, and wondering if it's worthwhile. I want to grow and be with someone, and build a relationship. He doesn't like to define things. My hesitation comes from feeling that with no commitment to me, he could just take up with another lover any time and I'd be left behind. We had a huge fight recently, and he implied that my monogamist viewpoint was "selfish". I don't feel that it is selfish to want someone to build a relationship with. Any advice would be appreciated. Sometimes I wish I could just CHOOSE to feel like he does; it seems like it would be easier to not feel so attached, but I can't help feeling the way I do.

Sabrina (alias) Dec 6, 2014 10:58pm

"What it comes down to is understanding what I am capable of accepting. It seems like polyamory is an identity, whereas monogamy is a default behavior that people fall into without much critical thinking."

I like your exploration of the pros and cons, but I rather strongly disagree with this above quoted comment. I have explored both in my life and found monogamy to be much more fulfilling and rewarding. That said, there have been times in my life when poly was what was happening. Poly happened accidentally more often than monogamy, though both came naturally at the time(s) when they occurred, rather than me seeking them out, per se. And, thankfully, each choice at that time did not lead to conflict with my partner(s). Honesty and tact probably was the trick…The older I get though, the more that monogamy consistently wins out…

quentinwatson Apr 13, 2014 4:23pm

It's interesting to see people try to work all this out. For myself, I am in a monogamous marital relationship and in the past would perhaps have best been characterized as a "serial monogamist". People on the poly side often like to claim universals like "monogamy is unnatural" or "monogamy is confining", whereas I find polyamory to feel unnatural, and to lack the depth and resilience of long-term monogamous relationships. It would be best for all to truly get real and stop attempting to characterize in some essentialist fashion how human relationships, particularly emotional relationships, work.

I might also add observations from personal experience that I know quite a lot of off-the-beaten path people, many or most of whom pursue the polyamorous lifestyle. I keep an open mind, but thus far, after a dozen years, I have seen no evidence that polyamory is necessarily "superior" to the alternative. The majority of the children I have seen grow up in these circumstances seem damaged by the experience, and quite a lot of the adults seem caught in a perpetual game of Leisure Suit Larry, with quite a lot of ensuing emotional wreckage, and very little maturity to show for their efforts.

All in all, though we have discussed the matter, my wife and I decided it was not worth the risk nor the chaos. I don't think that makes us, as one commenter seems to imply, lazy or uncourageous, but perhaps that we have differing priorities than living life as if we were always on the pull. It is easy to make the opposite case, that polyamory provides an easy out for those who do not have the endurance or stability for long-term relationship building and maintenance. If one wishes to talk of courage and hard work, those virtues are not absent among those who choose to stay faithful to one person in the context of a traditional family setting.

Read Elephant’s Best Articles of the Week here.
Readers voted with your hearts, comments, views, and shares:
Click here to see which Writers & Issues Won.

Krystal Baugher

Krystal Baugher lives in Denver, Colorado. She explores the real truth at goeatacarrot.com and the real fake news at whattheconspiracy.com. You can follow her on Instagram here.