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August 17, 2013

Things I Do When My Hot Boyfriend isn’t Watching.

My boyfriend is a gorgeous and fit ex-smokejumper and yoga teacher. And these are the things I do when he isn’t watching:

For the most part, we live a lifestyle full of mountain running, yoga, skiing and bicycles. We mostly eat greens and lean meat. We meditate. We have an active social life. We try to be healthy. But, there are some things I do when I am alone that I needed to get off my chest!

Sometimes I feel like a terrible and gluttonous human for doing these things because they are utterly sinful and over-indulgent. I try to live in moderation, but occasionally the fat kid in me breaks loose from her chains.

And it is time to come clean. 

These are the things I do when no one is watching–especially my chiseled boyfriend:

1. I eat Nutella out of the jar.

Don’t get me wrong, I love quinoa and kale just as much as the next yogi/runner, but I love Nutella more. I have eaten half a jar of Nutella in a hotel room while watching The Office before. And I wasn’t worried about it.

2. I eat corn dogs in the car on the way to see my boyfriend.

I only do this in rural Montana so that no one can see me doing it. Corn dogs are my favorite food, and I look forward to the Eastern Idaho State Fair for the sole reason of buying fresh corn dogs and eating them. I love cornbread and I love hot dogs and therefore, this combination is deadly. Sometimes I will eat three or four of them (#fatkid).

3. I eat corn dogs with Nutella on them.

I don’t think this bullet needs an explanation. Endurance athletes need calories?

4. I listen to the 80s Pandora station and Dance in my Skivvies.

You can actually find an excellent compilation of terrible 80s songs here.

5. I peruse bacon recipes on Pinterest.

Check this stuff out. Bacon brittle? Maple bacon cupcakes? Bacon toffee? Bacon cinnamon rolls? Bacon-wrapped hot dogs? Bacon bra? You got it.

6. I try and fail at doing handstands in the living room. 

Last year, I flipped over backwards and kicked a hole in the wall and bruised my tailbone and ass-cheek. Needless to say, I have been taught how to patch holes in the wall.

7. I watch Keeping up with the Kardashians. 

Unapologetically. For hours. I have a weird infatuation with Bruce Jenner and his dysfunctional relationship with his family, and I can watch these interactions for hours.

8. I look at pictures of him and us together.

When it comes down to it, I love my boyfriend and miss him terribly when I am out fighting fire for weeks at a time. All it takes is a few glances at a picture of him to make me happy again.

9. I put notes and pressed flowers in his Dharma and poetry book.

I pick them from mountains while I am fighting fire, bring them home and hide them for him to find later. They are little reminders of how much I love him while I am away.

10. I remember that he doesn’t care about the silly, gross things I do.

And that is why most of the jars of Nutella are purchased by him. That is why we rock out to the 80s Pandora station together. That is why he helps me with my yoga. That is why we have watched the Katy Perry documentary three times together. And that is why we have dance parties in our undies together. That is why we share books and take photos together.

That’s why we are in love. We appreciate and laugh about the silly things that make us who we are.

And I secretly hope that after tonight’s date, we can make me a bra… out of bacon.

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Ed: Sara Crolick

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Jenna Penielle Lyons  |  Contribution: 8,640