For something that is supposed to bring us pleasure and joy, sex is often filled with anxiety and worries.
While the whole topic of sex in general is very complicated and cannot be given justice to in a single post or article, there are four major concerns that come up time and again which all of us would be better off if we just stopped worrying about.
While many of these concerns are present at the start of new relationships, they can come up even between couples who have been together for years.
Letting go of these worries may not automatically lead to an amazing sex life, but it can lead to a reduction in stress and anecdotally speaking, stress is the #1 killer of sex.
Therefore, without further ado, here are four thoughts to let go of for good the next time you crawl into the sack with someone:
1. My body doesn’t look good.
This is probably the #1 concern that most women have. (I have also met more than a few men with moderate to severe body anxiety issues.) The fact is, the vast majority of us don’t look like models. We are all going to have “flaws” about our bodies whether it be cellulite, scars, stretch marks, body fat, or some combination of those things.
Most of the time, the person who notices it the most is you. One of the surest way to kill the mood is point out our flaws or apologize for our body when we are getting hot and heavy with someone. (This is especially true if it happens to be the first time.) Chances are, if someone is willing to get naked with you, they already like you just the way you are. If they don’t, then change your partner-not your body.
2. It’s too soon, too late, or not the “right” time.
While I believe it’s worth taking time to know someone before you crawl into bed with them for the first time, the truth is there is no right time to have sex. I’ve personally known couples who had sex fairly soon in their relationships and have known others that have waited months or even years. When they did it seems to have no effect as to how long the relationship lasts much less how good it is.
3. I’m a pervert because I like _____________.
Many of us are into things that we think are odd or bizarre, but really aren’t. Dirty talk, BDSM, etc. are all fairly common. (For those that are interested, the new book Perv: The Sexual Deviant in All by Jesse Bering is a fascinating read about just how many of these so-called “deviant” behaviors are actually quite normal.) Personally, my motto is that as long of the participants are willing adults and no one is getting harmed, then go for it.
It can be difficult to discuss some of these things even with a spouse or long-time partner. My advice is that if you want to share some “deviant” desires that you’d like to engage in, then go for it. Make it clear to your partner that you are not pressuring them or trying to get them to do something they do not want. If they make it clear that they have no interest in participating, then don’t bring it up again.
Also, use some common sense. For example, if your partner is a survivor of rape or sexual assault, then just the mere suggestion of a domination fantasy may make them uncomfortable.
Still, even people who have a partner who is willing to go along with them may even feel some guilt. If that’s the case then remind yourself that this consensual, and no one is getting harmed.
4. I want it too much or too little.
Much like “the right time”, “too much” or “too little” sex is largely determined by the individual in question. While sex addiction is real, many people have a naturally high sex drive. Conversely, some people have a naturally lower one. There is no ideal.
Still, if you happen to be a person with a naturally high sex drive and with someone with a low one, it can be a problem. Rather than change partners, it may be possible to come to some sort of compromise. Without getting x-rated, there are a lot of fun, erotic things to do that don’t involve sex.
Also, if you crave intimacy, which is different than sex, there are many ways to get intimate without having sex.
In conclusion, even those of us who would rather die than talk about our sex lives agree that sex is an important part of our lives. Whether we are monogamous, polyamorous, or in some sort of arrangement that defies classification, the above are common worries many of us have when it comes to sex.
Even though there is a tendency for many of us to complicate our sex lives, it need not be the case.
It really is okay to like sex. Contrary to what we may think, we should be having it on our terms and our partner’s rather than any imaginary set of rules because honestly, that’s what matters.
As a good friend once said, no one is going to be grading you. We don’t get awards for having sex the “right” way nor do we get demerits for doing it “wrong”.
Therefore, relax—have as much or as little sex as you so desire.
The only rule is just enjoy it.
Love elephant and want to go steady?
Editor: Bryonie Wise
Photo: Margo Connor