He will not always romance you, like they tell him to in movies.
He knows there are more important things. Things that he must focus on to be happy, so you will be happy. He has obsessions, passions, pursuits. You used to be his obsession, passion, pursuit. Then he caught you, and you thought he would keep pursuing you. Happily ever after.
He is not cheesy or corny with his words. He tells you things how they are. He tells you about things in yourself that need help, tweaking, and you cry because he is supposed to tell you that you are beautiful and perfect and a princess. He is supposed to buy you flowers, maybe chocolate, and tickets to Garth Brooks.
But when he tells you that you are radiant or kind, you know that no other words have burned with such sincerity.
He sends you articles about NASA and fire ants, and whatever else he finds interesting because he wants to better you and share himself in this way. He wants you to grow and learn alongside him. This is how he romances. Flowers are good and nice, but flowers die and chocolates are temporary. His wanting you to learn and be a better human woos you and wrings you.
And you think he is too hard on you. That he needs to be softer, gentler, because you are female and he is male. You think you deserve unending, undying love, caresses, attention.
But you are female: Woman. Why are you putting aside your dreams and pursuits for him, when there is a greater good?
Love and relationships are duality—never oneness.
He is wild. He will retreat and bend and sweat over things you don’t understand. He will not glance up when you walk in the room, though you have put on his favorite dress and tied up your hair.
You will stand in the doorway, leaning against the wooden frame, gazing at your lover so hopelessly lost in his other loves.
And if you are strong (which we all are not), you will smile and become full of his passion and fervency.
And if you are weak (which we all are not), a tear might slip down your cheek, onto your blue dress with the pearl-snap buttons, and you will so desperately want his fiery ambition to be released into you.
There is a part of him that you cannot have. It is his, and because it is his, you must have yours.
The part of your soul that is known, loved and accepted by you, and you alone. The spark, curiosity, life, and fire. Feed your unquenchable thirst with what touches your being with that delicate flame. You will find excuses and laundry will always seems more important, but it never is.
Never expect him to be whipped. He will never be at your beck and call. Remember, you are woman, and you can handle him, but you must never tame him.
Why were you attracted to him in the beginning? It is the same wildness. And it has hurt you so, but you must remember, if you are wise, you cultivate the same untamable nature, thrusting it into what you find good and worthy and authentic.
Be intuitive about how he loves you, not how you want to be loved. We are inclined to love others how we like to be loved. Find out how he is loved, and do so. Ask of him the same. His love may never be clear and smooth like glass. But his eyes will tell you, his touch will scream to you, and his tickles will lecture you of his love. You will doubt it, because that is not the way it happened when you went to go see the man and the woman fall in love on the screen.
Your love is not sensationalized, but real and raw and roughly hewn.
Be strong and delighted in someone so rare, understanding that conventional relationship advice may perhaps poison a bond so unique. Gather and contemplate what you value most. If it is yourself, dump him and find someone who thinks the same. You will probably end up eating frozen casseroles for dinner every night.
He should not think you are the utmost, the goal, the prize. He will lose himself. Do what you must to live simply and extraordinarily. You are his partner in crime and in good.
If you do what you do best, and come together and share those experiences, the richness and fulfillment surpasses the flowers, the notes, the chocolate, the words. Feel his very being; don’t let the mundane and unspoken words clash with how you feel things should be. Things should never be a certain way. They, like us, change.
We are sloppy, human, imperfect. There are those of us who were not made to feel like a princess, but a warrior. We are with the wild ones, and indeed, ourselves, are untamed.
Love elephant and want to go steady?
Editor: Jenna Penelle Lyons