The Deal Breaker Questions.

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When a relationship is at a crossroads and I’m not sure whether things will work out for whatever reason, it helps me to ask very personalized deal breaker questions.

I have been lucky enough to formulate these questions through my different relationships.

It’s important to me to use these as a reference to my own idea of how I want to live my life—ethically, spiritually, mentally and physically.

I think that everyone should have their own set of deal-breaker questions that they at least consider from time to time, especially when they are in a new relationship. These are like the alarm bells of time wasting in relationships—a way to see whether you’re in it for the long haul or will you be unwilling to get past these things once the honeymoon phase is over.

My absolute #1 deal breaker question: Does the person like/want to have pets?

Animals are quite literally one of the most important things in my existence so it’s safe to say they will always be around. If he doesn’t like animals and wouldn’t consider changing his mind, I’d say long-term that might be a deal breaker.

That leads straight in my second deal breaker: I’m not going to be a lady who waits on my boyfriend/husband or whatever hand and foot.

I probably won’t have dinner on the table by seven and his socks darned. I enjoy cooking, yes, and when I do it will be out of love. It will also probably be a (well-balanced, protein-rich) vegetarian meal, so he might need to develop some steak-cooking skills.

Did I mention that I have an overall love for animals, not just the pet kind?

My third deal breaker: I like to be outdoors more than in.

If he likes to be indoors more than out, we might run into some problems.

There is nothing wrong with preferring one or the other—I just tend towards more experiential learning like travelling, meeting people and visiting interesting places and seeing things that inspire me, than sitting inside a blank room reading a textbook.

There is a time and place for both types of learning, it’s just that overall in my life I would rather accumulate more of the former than the latter.

I know that sometimes relationships work really well when two people are into totally different things, I just want to have the kind of relationship where we do things together and have fun together so there needs to be at least a small amount of similarity there.

Fourth deal breaker: the way we see things.

If he’s not okay with a possible future child telling us they’re gay or lesbian, we might clash in terms of the way we see things in the future.

It’s definitely something worth having a conversation about.

It is likely to bring up other areas where there is quite a distinct difference in thinking.

Fifth and final deal breaker: conversation.

I would love to be able to have life changing conversations with the person that I’m with—life changing conversations are so vital to my relationship energy.

I want to talk about philosophies and conspiracy theories, spirituality and travel experiences. The first person I ever loved I fell in love with for this very reason—now I won’t be able to settle for not having this.

These are all things that I have come to realize about myself, but then I have also experienced the kind of love that makes all of these things that are so important seem insignificant.

It’s just important, I think, to stop every once in a while and reconnect to those things and see if we have lost sight of our own personal ethics.

At the end of the day we need to be with someone who helps to brighten our spirit and someone who supports us so that we can brighten your own spirit. And we do the same for them in return.

~

Relephant:

18 Relationship Red Flags Every Woman Should Know.

The one Buddhist Red Flag to watch out for & how you’ll know if he or she is The One.

6 Subtle Relationship Deal Breakers.

Bonus:

~

Mindful offering:

Aromatherapy Rose Oil Mist: Love. 

~

Author: Susan McFadzean

Apprentice Editor: Terri Tremblett / Editor: Catherine Monkman

Photo: Dra Photography/Flickr

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Susan McFadzean

Susan McFadzean is a yoga teacher and student of life. She is currently living in South Korea, drawing inspiration from her travels and learning as much as she can about life, yoga, inspiration—creating events which she just wants to share with the world around her. Her main goal is to offer different perspectives to the world and hopes that through her writing will bring about even a small shift in the overall consciousness of human beings. Susan looks to inspire through bringing beauty and positivity to the world.

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anonymous Dec 26, 2015 9:17am

I love the concept of knowing what the critical deal breakers are as an individual.
However, upon reading your essay, it became clear that they weren’t really formatted as questions. They appear as ultimatums, which indicates a hardened position, as opposed to a curiosity. I know that in my marriage, I learned to shift some of my positions and grow. So I was grateful for the patience and acceptance that emerged during the relationship.
In your piece here there was a headline, that read The Deal Breaker Questions…. Yet the actual piece contains a list of requirements…
So you lost me immediately…. Despite the potential value of the ideas, they appeared aggressive and regulatory.
For example what if I had a deal breaker around sexual frequency, how would it come off if I stated it as “must have sex” in the morning 5 days a week” that would seem unrealistic and less of an invitation than a requirement.
Instead I could ask; ” I love morning sex almost everyday, would that work for you?”
Which leaves room for compromise, and flexibility.

anonymous Oct 17, 2015 11:55pm

I don’t think this article is really that strange. More people should figure out what it is they want and do not want before looking for a relationship. It’s more disrespectful to stay with someone while wishing they were a bit different or covertly trying to change them. I know I’d rather hear “you are wonderful but we are not looking for the same thing” than have someone nitpick me because they wish I would act differently. I think that all of the people who say the author will end up alone are dead wrong. These are reasonable deal breakers, and millions of people would still be date worthy by these guidelines. Who would even want to be in a relationship that lacked stimulating conversation?

anonymous Oct 17, 2015 1:36pm

What a strange article really strange, of course you’d need shared interests to bring you together i.e. both liking animals & the outdoors & shared values are important and if you can’t even connect through mutually fulfilling conversation why are you trying for any kind of deeper relationship at all. Deal breaker to me is what happens after these things. i.e. you get to know someone and despite the shared interests and values and great conversation you find out theyre slightly abusive or like a sex practice your just not into to don’t like to work, something terrible that you just can’t put up with despite the attraction.

anonymous Oct 17, 2015 1:18pm

:/ those sound kind of selfish. Like you shouldn’t have progressed far enough in a relationship to be at a crossroads to ask these questions now. They seem more like “do I want to go beyond a third date questions.

anonymous Oct 17, 2015 1:08pm

Have you looked at what YOU have to offer?

anonymous Aug 5, 2015 6:01pm

I would think do you want/like kids would be #1 on the list…

    anonymous Oct 17, 2015 11:38pm

    It’s funny, isn’t it? “Do you like pets” is seen as perfectly ok for getting to know someone and keeping ones own boundaries. But ask “do you want kids?” And all the sudden you are “rushing things along” or “too pushy”. I’d say either are ok deal breakers though.

anonymous Jun 10, 2015 6:45am

I would have the same deal breakers… I have been in and out of several long term relationships and in the end of what "felt" like the perfect relationship at first, was an issue(s) over one or more of these! Every relationship has been a life lesson for me and I am grateful for each one.

anonymous May 23, 2015 7:24am

No relationship is without it's storms – it is about sharing, respect and compromise – I've only one deal breaker (for us both) – if we no longer smile when the other comes home then we are in trouble – simple as. No mater how stormy it gets my heart still smiles when he walks through that door. Your article was very 'me' based and sounded only appropriate for the very early stages of a relationship (like days or weeks).

anonymous May 21, 2015 6:38am

You have Toof high expectations. …. seems that way from how you write. Who do you think you are? What makes you think somebody would care for your ego and desires if you don’t consider them?

Sounds to me like immature written all over. Learn some humility and respect.

That said, this sounds like A LOT of people I know today who are STILL MISERABLE IN OLD AGE, ALONE, AND HAVE NO DEPTH OR QUALITY PEOPLE.

Seems like this generation is twisted on the head and takes pride in it. I can only hope future generations learn before it’s too late.

That’s all

anonymous Sep 11, 2014 10:26am

Susan, I am an animal lover as well, so hunting is definitely a deal breaker for me!!

anonymous Aug 22, 2014 9:36pm

Good list of questions, for openers. I have about 7 questions that I ask. Not willing to share them, though. Some are situation specific.

anonymous Aug 10, 2014 1:17pm

Looking back at my own life (I'm almost 40), of course I wish I had handled a lot of things differently. But in my estimation, people who say they've never cheated (but then sleep with married people) are just as bad as primary cheaters. And I personally think emotional cheating is way worse than sexual cheating. Something I've learned is that people who communicate inappropriately and intimately outside their relationship are not getting their needs met at home. This is a huge red flag. Think of a relationship as a house with windows and doors. People outside the relationship can look in and see it from the outside through the windows, but they can't come inside. But when one or either partner allow those windows to BECOME doors, something sacred in the relationship is violated.

anonymous Apr 25, 2014 8:01am

Lots of deal breakers! It is good to have these in depth, meaningful conversations. I wonder if with so many deal breakers, will the right person materialize? Isn't part of relationship negotiation? Would there not be room for some give and take on some of these (certainly not the waiting on hand and foot! That demonstrates a attitude that is deeply held).