18 Relationship Red Flags Every Woman Should Know. Plus, a Video.
Photo: Flickr/Orangeya
I wish relationships had a preview button like iTunes, but they don’t.
So, the best we can do is equip ourselves with clarity—what we want and what we don’t want.
Through experience, I’ve learned what I am willing to accept and what I’m not.
On paper, it appears these actions and behaviors are changeable, but it’s not that easy. First, there must be an acknowledgment by the person—an unearthing of the origination of the action, the root. The root of these behaviors is fear and the dirt of unawareness.
To the men who act in the ways I describe below: if you are reading this, then you are curious, you want to know; you want to understand what a woman desires from a man. This is a strong sign you are ready to look in the mirror and do your work.
I hope you take time to look inside and become aware. When you decide to accept and love yourself as you are, by allowing your heart to be fully exposed and vulnerable, no one will ever wave a red flag in your direction again. I believe in you and your power to transform and be the true man that already exists inside of you.
To all of the ladies who stumble upon this article: read these signs carefully and reflect on your relationship. If I am describing the person you are with, you are dating a boy, not a man.
Let him go, so he can grow up.
Here’s a golden rule: Don’t waste your time with someone who wastes their own time.
1.) The relationship is one-sided.
Are you always pulling him along in every decision, plan, thought and action? You know the feeling—you are walking in quicksand with 180 to 200 pounds latched to your ankles.
Here is a clear indication you are in a lopsided love affair:
You make all of the plans. You have introduced him to your family and friends. You include him in every part of your life, yet he rarely, if ever invites you into any facet of his life.
These are signs he is unwilling to share his life with you and is a withholder.
Love never withholds.
2.) He waits until the last moment to commit to a plan.
If he can not make a plan or commit to an event a week away, or even a month away, he will not commit to a lifetime with you.
Don’t let him fool you with his New Agey-spiritual bullshit: “I live in the moment, who knows what will be in an hour, a day or a week.”
What will be? He will still be spewing the same line a week from now, a month from now, and you will have gray hair.
Real men make plans while honoring the moment they are in.
There is nothing sexier than a man of his word.
3.) You have never been taken on an actual date.
Ponder this one ladies: Are you always just ‘hanging out’? Or, do you decide last minute where to go (for dinner or what movie to see)? This is okay some of the time, but romance and chivalry should always be the dominator.
He should desire to woo you. A date doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive, just thoughtful.
If he has never planned a special day or night without your input, picked you up, opened your door and whisked you away, then you have never been on a real date.
Find a gentleman, because a gentleman wouldn’t have it any other way.
If you have a gentleman, hold him close. He will become the greatest husband and father in the world (I know from experience).
4.) Foreplay? What’s that?
It is clear whether a man thinks foreplay is a golf game or a steamy gift from God.
There are still men who think yanking their pants to their ankles, giving a quick lick to each nipple, a grab of the crotch and a swift sword fight with the sweet vagina is mind-blowing. No.
Photo: Lianne Viau
We should welcome a man into our bed who is connected to his masculinity. His strength and virility is united with his visceral desire to nurture his woman, keep her close, protected and fulfilled.
Only accept a man who is sensuous and patient. One who takes his time tasting you. This is a man who is not impulsive; he thinks and feels equally. He will make a lover for a lifetime because it isn’t about his penis, it’s about you.
Oh, and if he can’t talk about sex and his fantasies with ease, or he giggles like a 12-year-old when he says “vagina” or “penis,” he has no clue how to make love.
Intimacy is mental, physical, emotional and spiritual. If one of these pillars is missing, then so is the intimacy; it’s condemned.
5.) He does not have close friendships.
If he does not have one or two close friends, this is a huge red flag.
Are the friends he does have social acquaintances who only carry on small talk with a beer in hand?
Are they shady? You know what I mean—the ones who don’t seem to have any direction or real job. They only call for a ‘favor,’ and the pervasive conversations they do have are of burning nostalgia for the epic parties they threw back in college.
If he does have friends, pay attention to their interactions.
Do they hug when they say hello and goodbye? Do they talk about meaningful subjects other than sports, girls, cars or money? Is there reciprocity in their relationship?
How you do one thing is how you do everything. There are exceptions, but friends are the best indicator of how he will connect with you.
6.) He won’t introduce you to his family.
Enough said. He is screaming, “You are not important to me!” No woman deserves that. Find someone who can’t wait to take you home.
Meeting your partner’s family is critical to the relationship. Observing him in his parents’ presence will instantly teach you everything you need to know about his foundation.
7.) He is a slob.
It is completely acceptable to have a dish in the sink or a shirt on the bed. It is unacceptable when the contents of his closet no longer live on hangers, empty food packages are laying around the house or under the couch, and you need a hazmat suit to go into the bathroom.
If you ever live together, you will be his maid and you will resent him.
Having a partner should make life cleaner, not dirtier.
The inability to keep a clean home and care for his belongings, speaks to the lack of control he has over his mind. I think everything should be cared for, whether it is a dish, a shirt, a toilet or a person.
You may be thinking, “This is changeable. I can train him.”
To which I say, “Hell, no!”
This is an inside job. One he has to tackle on his own. He has to decide to take the reigns of the wild stallion that is his mind, and when and if he does, it is a beautiful thing.
When a man keeps clean, it is equivalent to a full day of foreplay.
![[By andrea silva from santiago (SADNESS) [CC-BY-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons]](http://images.elephantjournal.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/Sadness_21-250x268.jpg "sadness")
Photo: Andrea Silva from Santiago
8.) He gets up and leaves during an argument.
If a man leaves you when you are trying to express yourself, or the conversation gets uncomfortable and heated—he doesn’t know how to cope properly. He lets his ego dictate his actions. If he physically runs away, he abandons his heart too.
Unconditional love remains present at all times. There is always a way through a disagreement or fight. It just takes both people committing to listening to one another.
Consider your ‘In Case of Emergency’ person. We all need one, so choose wisely. Someone who leaves, is not the someone you want to rely on when you really need them to show up.
9.) He can’t say “I Love You,” even if he feels it.
If a man cannot express his love for you, he does not love himself. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love themselves; then, it’s not a relationship, it’s a torture chamber.
When he does say it, it should flow. There should never be a scoreboard for love; I said it, now you say it.
10.) Everything that happens to him is everyone else’s fault.
Pay attention to how he describes experiences and people in his daily life or past. Does he blame everyone else for the outcomes in his life?
If he speaks poorly of his exes and blames them for the failures in their relationship, then he will describe you, the same way.
If he cannot take responsibility for his actions or words and hold himself accountable, he is insecure and immature. It takes awareness and maturity to accept responsibility and say, “I’m sorry, and I forgive you.”
If he turns every argument on you and blames you, he loves being a victim.
Playing the victim is cowardly. A man of dignity apologizes, and apologizes well.
If he is always pointing out rights/wrongs, faults, bad/good, he sees your relationship as a basketball game—two teams in a dribble war.
A relationship is made up of one team; it is not a game, and it is most certainly not a competition.
11.) He’s an eye roller.
Does he roll his eyes, avoid eye contact and smirk when you share your feelings?
He is running from himself and from you emotionally (just like when he gets up and leaves during a fight).
He is invalidating your feelpings and treating you with disresect. He is uncomfortable in his own skin. He is not capable of holding a loving safe space for you or your relationship.
Once an eye roller, always an eye roller.
12.) He exaggerates, omits and lies (even if they are small).
Do I need to say more? He is not honest. There is no room for dishonesty in love. None.
13.) He doesn’t like to work and can’t hold a job.
There is nothing more noble or honorable, than a person who works hard. It does not matter if you collect garbage, work at a grocery store or shovel shit. If you work hard you are dignified.
Even if we have a passion, there is no need to be a starving artist. Work to live. For most of us, this is necessary. This is the reality of life.
There is no need to give up on passion, but if he can’t pay rent or eat, his passion will be homeless and starve to death too. The remedy is simple, get a job and live your purpose.
If he can’t hold a job, this is another sign of a lack of commitment, discipline and ambition. 
Having a job is not about the money, it’s about the principle.
A man who works hard makes me wet.
14.) He is a hustler.
What does this mean?
He thinks selling his belongings on Craigslist is a legitimate source of income. Or, if you notice he has bought and sold more cars than years you have been together—he is a hustler.
He is also avoiding—what? Working. He lacks a hunger for perseverance, a thirst for self-mastery and is deficient in loyalty.
Again, how we treat one thing is how we treat everything. If he buys something and sells it within a short period of time, he will surely do the same with you—trade you in for a new model. No Bueno.
15.) He doesn’t like kids and/or hasn’t spent time around them.
How a man acts around children and how he interacts with them is a sneak peek of how he will be as a father. That’s all I have to say here—just be aware and very observant.
16.) He has ‘Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde Syndrome.’
Does the guy you are with switch personas whenever he interacts with other people? Does he put on a happy face, smile, laugh and schmooze with everyone at the party? Does he flirt with the women in the room? Yet, the moment you walk away with him, he speaks to you differently—sullen, distracted and withdrawn?
If the answer is yes, he is using you.
One line comes to mind, “I am not your doormat!”
If you are in an argument or a deep discussion and his mood shifts a bit, that’s okay. It is another when he consistently becomes Mr. Exuberant with everyone else, and you are only graced with Mr. Sulky.
17.) His words do not match his actions.
A man can tell you all day long via text message that he loves you. He can tell you he is your biggest fan and supporter, but if you look beside you and he is not there—well, actions speak louder than words.
A man who truly is your biggest fan and support will always be there when you need him, and you won’t even need to ask.
As my friend says, “You deserve someone who believes in you more than you believe in yourself.”
18.) You cry more than you laugh with him.
If he does not bring a smile to your face and to your heart every day and every time you see him, and he is not smiling back at you—move on.
Plus, one video:
Watch this and ask yourself: “Is he the protector of my heart or an enemy to my heart?”
~
Ed: Brianna B.
Like elephant Love and Relationships on Facebook.
Incorrect source, offensive, or found a typo? Or do you want to write for Elephant?
Love this article
Also, you live in scotsdale, which is the same city as one of my dear favorite authors Diana Gabaldon 
Love it. I would love to visit your studio… donation based huh? How does that work for you?
Thanks Stephanie! My door is always open, come take a class anytime. ~Rebecca
this is great!!
Thank you Cindy
Hi Rebecca, what an amazing summary… I came upon your post by chance, searching for some fun things to share with friends…But this is worth any fun I could have asked for…Recently I had a relationship with someone who fits in a few categories and it feels very freeing to see things written black on white. I feel like I can finally stop beating myself up, release and move on. Thanks loads, it was a perfect New Year gift from Universe! Namaste
Happy New Year to You!! I'm so glad you connected with this
I admire your ability to understand what you want/don't want out of a mate, but man… I can't believe the level of expectations some of you have. I acknowledge I definitely meet many of your bullet points here and am reacting somewhat defensively, but wow. Isn't some imperfection allowed?
Thank you for expressing yourself. I genuinely appreciate and welcome
rebecca
Your view. No one is perfect; we are all flawed and gloriously imperfect. What
I describe in this article is not imperfection, but inauthenticity and unawareness. If a man is living in his truth he does not act in these ways. A person who is honest and authentic,is honored for their imperfections. All women want is a man of truth who excepts his flaws and doesn’t cover them up. Thank you again for contributing your voice!
** I wrote this from my phone. Did not post as I wrote it, oops! *accepts not excepts.
Thank you for expressing yourself. I genuinely appreciate and welcome your view. No one is perfect; we are all flawed and gloriously imperfect. What I describe in this article is not imperfection, but inauthenticity and unawareness. If a man is living in his truth, he does not act in these ways. A person who is honest and authentic,is honored for their imperfections. All women want, is a man of truth who accepts his flaws and doesn't cover them up. Thank you again for contributing your voice!
Rebecca
Randall, if you 'meet many of the bullet points', maybe you need to look at yourself and make some changes. Become a more grown up person. You may find you are much happier! I was married to someone who met Most of those points and while he could appear happy, charming, successful, handsome and even loving, he was a sad, manipulative loser deep down.
If neither person likes or wants kids what does it matter?
Kiss I saw the article as talking more about respecting children not having your own. How you treat a child is how you treat others. If you dont want children, awesome, agree to not have any and enjoy life. This article is focused more on respecting a small, bright eyed life.
Amazingamazingamazing!!!! As always! Love your wisdom xoxoxo
Thank you <3
Funny thing is, when I was first dating my last partner, I was blind to a few of these things, or he kept them well-hidden, or a combination of both. WE both had hope that the relationship would be good for us and were accepting of some imperfections. I felt I was being treated very well. Then as the relationship progressed I started seeing more of the kinds of traits and actions that are mentioned above. When he started to walk out/not apologize for arguments (almost always), I knew there was something seriously wrong. Even though I think that the occasional walk-out is fine, him consistently withdrawing made my heart hurt. And then I was always the one apologizing, which also didn't feel right.
We have since split up, but I have a hard time believing that I'll find someone that does not demonstrate some of the 'red flag' items listed above (most are obvious deal-breakers, but there are a few fine lines). And also, there is always a learning curve in any relationship.
I think a key thing to say is that if you notice some of the things listed above, and say right away that that is unacceptable/tell the person exactly what you need, and your partner does not respond, THEN there is an issue. If most of the relationship feels good, give him the chance to understand exactly what you need.
Beautifully stated! Thank you for sharing smallgrl. May I encourage you to write an article about your experience and the wisdom you have gained??
People always have a choice to grow. A relationship is a mirror. If a man is willing to really listen (that includes our willingness to stare into the mirror too) then any one of these actions can be transformed and the relationship-harmonious.
Thank you again for writing. I appreciate your words. ~Rebecca
I don't really see why this advice is unique to women's expectations of a male partner and not men's expectations of a female partner, men's expectations of a male partner or women's expectations of a female partner. Relationships are relationships.
I absolutely agree Jim!! Absolutely! I just wrote this from a universal female perspective. Thanks for adding this comment, it's an important one to remember:)
Agreed!
Perhaps a man should do warning signs for girlfriends: she never pays for anything, she's passive aggressive, she expects you to pleasure her during sex and not return the favor, she's emotional about issues that require logic, she get's angry and raises her voice, rolls her eyes, puts her hands on her hips and then explains she's expressing her feelings, she bad mouths her friends behind their backs and then acts like she loves them to their face, you help her move and she doesn't return the favor, she doesn't like your male friends because they act like guys and doesn't like your female friends because they're pretty, etc..
Most men I meet are pretty awesome and the ones who aren't are super obvious about it the first meeting. The whole aggrieved, white female rant is getting old. Treat most men with respect and they will do the same.
Thanks for sharing Patrick. As I said above, it goes both ways. Everything I speak of are symptoms of something deeper. A relationship is healthy if both people are self aware and love is nurtured and reciprocated. If the root is identified these symptoms disappear. Everyone is capable of growing and transforming if they have the desire. ~Rebecca
Ohm Y!
Decent advise for men, too. I counted partial confirmations to 11 of the 18 in your list related to one of my past relationships. In the end, *every* relationship is an equation with paralleling factors on both sides, from my vantage point. They each show us what we most need to see, and when we find and create the working balance, we stay.
Thank you Jim! Well said:-) I appreciate your contribution~Rebecca
This is a great article all but one red flag describes the man I just ended a relationship with! It feels good to be validated and it helps with the healing I think. Thank you!!!!
You are welcome Angela
This is one of the most self-absorbed blogs I have ever read in my life. When this woman starts a relationship it is a screening process not a thing of joy. I feel so sorry for someone who can be so cold hearted to watch every move of a person who’s trying to care for her. Are all American woman like this? Here in Scotland woman tend to accept faults if they live someone just as we accept faults in them. Hell- sometimes I leave plates under the bed and drink beer with friends but my relationship is happy. I think you’ve been hurt in the past and it’s made you really cynical,. I hope for your sake you get over it..
It's all up to interpretation Tommy. How I wrote it, is not how you received it and that is ok. Thank you for your contribution. Have a beer on me
Cheers! Rebecca
I love these tips. I knew I wasn’t going crazy. Theses are the real deal signs. Thanks
Great points Rebecca! They are certainly appreciated =] I agree with Jim's comment in that either sex could benefit from these models. I reserve the belief that men and women are inherently different creatures biologically and might therefore have different expectations of their counterparts. However, I think the more liberal audience would agree that these be general bisexual expectations of how a "mature" individual ought to act to preserve a healthy relationship – not so much as a checklist that decides who gets dumped. Personally I think the greatest green flag is someone who is willing to accept thoughtful criticism and make personal changes to better his relationship. From personal experience, I have found that this requires a huge emphasis on ability to communication efficiently – from both sides.
I’m genuinely curious as the point 8s reasoning. Here is my analysis and point of misunderstanding with it:
“He gets up and leaves during an argument.
If a man leaves you when you are trying to express yourself, or the conversation gets uncomfortable and heated—he doesn’t know how to cope properly. He lets his ego dictate his actions. If he physically runs away, he abandons his heart too.”
Arguments become heated. Arguments become uncomfortable. Especially when one occurs between two people who are passionate about each-other. To imply they don’t or won’t is ignorance. When a person leaves an argument, it is typically out of understanding that there is no longer any true communication occurring. They no longer feel the other party can understand what is being said.
It doesn’t matter if you are both expressing yourselves. Neither of you can understand either sides expression.
Thus why argument has ensued.
The trait of recognizing that an argument has reached the point of total communication break-down and thus leaving and allowing a cooling off is not negative.
In-fact, to imply that trait is negative would be more of a red-flag in itself.
Because what you are saying is someone is at fault if they don’t stand there and argue.
It is a controlling implication.
One of ego in itself.
It is typically smart to leave an argument once it has (and it will) become heated. This allows both people to reflect and have time to understand what each-other was trying to say. They can then come back to the disagreement level-headed in the future.
Randall also makes a strong point which I don’t believe you’ve accurately accessed.
For example point 12 is just repulsively hypocritical. People lie, exaggerate and omit by nature.. Humans lie. To themselves. In fact, saying that it is an unacceptable flaw is a lie in itself. Because it is a human flaw. Every human has it. None exist that don’t.
Point 14 is another example, as you are implying a person does not know the difference between objects and people. You are implying a person that sells and trades frequently with items would do the same to a human being. That is ridiculous.
Many of your points are. I’d probably run out of typing space just deconstructing the flaws in them.
I do not agree with this article, and the people who do and the person that wrote it need serious rethinking of their standards in dating and how they view other people and relationships.
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