> “I find this curious—two photos from today, one edited so my skin is perfect & one real. Remember flaws are okay.” ~ Lorde
The walls around my soul are as tall and powerful as the “Great Wall Of China.”
I have spent a lifetime building this fortress that protects the temple of my soul, my heart.
“If” I were to allow you over this wall and introduce you to my Authentic Self, would you believe that my curves and imperfections were as much a part of what makes me beautiful as my successes and my winsomeness?
Will you continue loving me when you arrive inside my inner world and realize I am not perfect? Will you stay if it turns out that I am not 100 percent the person you wished I were?
Or, will I let you down and will you run when you see my shadows?
I have been contemplating whether or not I am molding myself and adapting to the image that you have of me painted on the canvas of your mind, in order to ensure the security of your love.
Have I been trying to be beautiful enough, strong enough, thin enough, successful enough, wise enough, spiritual enough, deep enough, loveable enough, funny enough, positive enough, inspiring enough and just simply good enough for you?
We are hard-wired to protect what we fall in love with.
Instead of revealing only the surface of my so-called “perfected beauty,” is it time to surrender to and show you the beauty that I don’t have control over?
Splitting myself open and baring my soul to you will be scary and uncomfortable. I want you to recognize and know this so that when you see me struggling you understand that I may need your help along the way.
Visibility into my soul allows for self transparency in a whole-hearted and uncensored way. Is it a fool’s paradise to believe that you will continue to see my beauty as you uncover my darkness?
I know that my darkness has been valuable and necessary to molding myself into the person I am today—but can you love that darkness like you love my lightness?
I am convinced that we cannot cross into the desired space of unconditional love until we love our own authentic selves as well as each other’s authentic self. This acceptance and support of our authentic selves will bring about the necessary ebb and flow that will allow our relationship to reach its fullest depth of love.
Sharing “all of me” will make it possible for me to love you with the full dress of my soul. Only then, will we breathe life into our love.
As I arrive at the destination of the 40’s, I have concluded that if I am not authentic now—when will I ever be?
When will I experience the freedom that accompanies living a life without limits and judgments if I never show my authentic self?
As a self-proclaimed perfectionist, authenticity scares me because it leaves the door open to criticism, confrontation, negative feedback—and worst of all—I feel that this will put me at risk of losing the love you have for me now.
I will be standing in front of you with my authentic, raw, naked, vulnerable self. Are you ready for that? Because even I am not sure exactly what that will look like.
For a very long time I have buried myself beneath many deep layers because I felt that I was easier to love if I only displayed the parts of me that were reaching for perfection. What my younger self didn’t realize was that perfection comes at a cost.
I will tell you that my inner soul is not perfect and my messy life is not perfect. I should probably apologize now for not being the person you probably believe I am—and wish for me to be.
I can be loving, I can test the waters, I am dreamer at times and a pessimist at others, I am compassionate, I can be a handful, I am sometimes impatient (hence my struggle with perfection), I am both low-maintenance and high-maintenance, I can be bold and outspoken, I get my feelings hurt easily, I am very emotionally sexually driven, I can at times be a selfish only child, I am a very deep thinker and I will expect you to spend hours on end talking and exploring those deep life thoughts, I love fashion—but other material things don’t much matter, I have the ability to say the perfect things at the perfect time—and the ability to say the wrong things at the wrong time, I am very witty and sometimes that might hurt your feelings, I am a gypsy at heart, I am confident and will take charge if you let me….but it is important that you understand that I don’t really want to always be in control and I will be resentful if you let me, I have the gift of gab (so my dad always tells me), I have the memory of an elephant, my heart has an unlimited amount of highly energetic love, I struggle with forgiveness (but I am working on that!)—the most important thing I want you to understand is that I fear abandonment.
I surrender to all of these qualities because this is who I am…all of it.
In order for my authentic self to shine through I need to own all of this. I need to own all of my fears, dreams, fantasies, failures, mistakes and successes. They have and will continue to mold and shape me into a more beautiful person each day and without them I wouldn’t be the person you originally saw and loved.
Although my journey has been transformational, I will never be perfect. If I was perfect I wouldn’t need anyone to grow with.
I am realizing that imperfection is lovable—Oh how I wish I been given that lesson sooner! Imperfection is what makes the world and people interesting.
Love is not perfection; I don’t know why I ever thought it was. I suppose this is where my fear of abandonment comes in to play. When you find out or discover something isn’t perfect, do you not leave that thing behind and find something that is perfect? That’s what my younger self feared.
Every day we make choices that change our lives. I am choosing authenticity because a caged bird cannot fly.
So, I ask you again—when you climb this “Great Wall Of China,” will you still love me? Is the authentic beauty of my soul enough?
Love elephant and want to go steady?
Apprentice Editor: Emily Bartran / Editor: Renée Picard
Photo: Brittney Lynn / Pixoto