Most Women Fake Orgasms because Most Men Fake Foreplay.


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Bella Bliss 2

Most women fake orgasms because most men fake foreplay. It’s supposed to be a joke, but it’s also kind of true.

I don’t remember ever having faked an orgasm in my life, honestly. For many years I just didn’t have orgasms with lovers, but somehow it never occurred to me to fake it. However, I am realizing lately how common it is for women to fake orgasms.

Quite a few of my female clients tell me they fake it because they feel so dissatisfied sexually and just want to get it over with. This happens for many different reasons related to lack of contact with their sexual energy, low libido, insecurity, lack of connection to the body, relationship issues and not enough foreplay.

Considering our global average for total sexual intercourse time of roughly four minutes, it’s safe to say that most couples don’t spend much time on foreplay. This can be an issue since, according to Tantric principles, a woman’s body needs much more time to fully awaken and reach states of ecstasy and true orgasm. I usually recommend at least 30 minutes of foreplay, preferably more.

If you don’t believe that women fake orgasms, or that there’s a remote possibility you’ve ever been with a woman who faked orgasm, see the video clip below for Meg Ryan’s spectacular and convincing fake orgasm. Ahem, so that’s settled then.

Even when they are having orgasms, many female clients I meet only experience short, superficial clitoral orgasms, leaving them feeling exhausted and depleted afterwards. Very few women experience deeper internal orgasms, or the feeling of dissolving into orgasmic bliss or expanding into ecstasy that is actually part of every woman’s sexual potential.

A friend of mine was taught in high school sex education that 90% of women cannot have internal orgasms, so she didn’t bother even trying to have anything but clitoral orgasms. My own sex education in Australia in the 90s basically consisted of putting a condom on a banana. This kind of disempowering, bogus “sex education” makes me annoyed.

Why not teach women that their body can be a wonderland of ecstatic bliss if they’ll only devote the time and energy to discovering its secrets? Why not teach men that they can have whole body non-ejaculatory orgasms? Why not teach all teenagers that sex can be sacred, profound, loving and deeply transforming when done consciously?

Most of us are never taught that there are more than 50 different kinds of female orgasm. The clitoris is just one tiny, little aspect of female sexuality. The real gold lies buried deeper in the Yoniverse (vagina)—the G-spot, the A-spot and the cervix are all important places to get to know better.

Then there’s also whole body energetic orgasm, orgasm from nipple stimulation, vaginal canal orgasms, orgasms that come from your lover kissing your labia, the list goes on. Women usually need long, slow foreplay to experience these kinds of orgasms. Men need long foreplay too, to build the sexual energy gradually so they can last longer, connect deeper to their partner and develop higher sensitivity.

It’s not about chasing orgasms though, the idea is to become orgasmic. We want to feel the orgasmic energy flowing through our bodies for hours on end, interspersed with more intense orgasms, rather than just short peak experiences where we feel exhausted afterwards.

During prolonged states of profound pleasure and orgasm we let go of the mind, any stress and tensions, and relax into the fullness of who we are. The more often we can experience these states with awareness, the easier it is to release limiting ego patterns, become more conscious and connected to ourselves and our loved ones and feel our blissful nature in all areas of life. Sex becomes a deep spiritual practice.

So without further ado, here are my seven essential elements of Tantric foreplay:

1. Make sure you’re in a good mood and feeling connected,

Contrary to popular belief, foreplay doesn’t begin in the bedroom. It starts from making sure you’re in a good mood and feeling connected to yourself, then and only then can you truly connect with your lover. Do whatever you need to do before to feel relaxed, peaceful and present in your body: move around, dance, do yoga, meditate, run, have a bath. Just don’t go straight from work or being on the computer to play time! Take time to prepare yourself so you feel fresh and clean and wear something you feel good in.

2. Create an inspiring space,

Dirty dishes, piles of washing or paperwork, kids toys and clutter are just not a turn-on, ever. Take a little time to create an inspiring sacred space for your lovemaking. Some people say that the difference between Tantric sex and regular sex is incense and candles. That’s not exactly true, but I do really love lighting a few candles to set the mood and transform a mundane space into something more beautiful and magical. I strongly recommend banning all overhead lighting from your intimate experiences. Think soft, gentle lamp light and mood lighting. Throwing fabric over unseemly clutter works wonders too.

3. Connect in the heart first.

Take a few minutes to just sit together and tune in to your partner and let go of any distractions from your day. Simply hold hands, breathe, close your eyes and feel the connection between you. Visualise love flowing between your hearts. Set the intention to be fully present, give your best to each other and have a beautiful experience together.

4. Let go of the idea of a goal.

In Tantric foreplay, we’re not just trying to get things wet enough to go on to the main event of penetration. We focus on being conscious in every moment, taking time to really feel, going slowly, developing a more refined sensitivity instead of going for more sensation. A slow warm up is essential and makes for more ecstatic bliss later for everyone.

Men, don’t skip straight to the breasts or genitals, but take time to caress her whole body – there are many erogenous zones to discover! Keep the foreplay going for at least half an hour, no matter how much she begs for you to come inside. Just try it. Trust me. Also, for a change, don’t end in ejaculation and feel the difference in your energy level afterwards.

5. Explore orally.

Traditionally, Tantric foreplay involves the man being more active, as his body generally doesn’t need as much time to warm up. I heard a joke once: For a man, there are basically only two types of foreplay: The first is waiting to have his penis touched, and the second is having his penis touched.

So, men, it is generally better to kiss her down there first and let her warm up deliciously slowly. Take time to get to know her intimately, don’t focus on the clitoris too much. Experiment with different tongue strokes. Realise how beautiful and sacred this part of her body is. Honour every inch of her.

6. Be intuitive, follow the flow, be spontaneous.

Most articles I’ve read about Tantric foreplay say things like, “Take a bath together, touch each other in this specific way, lick her toes one by one.” In reality, there is no set formula and it can be a danger to follow those kind of specific instructions because everyone is different. It’s just about tuning in to your partner and feeling what connects you deeper and makes you more present together.

Don’t fall into the trap of assuming you know what your lover likes best or having habitual, repetitive sex. Be open for new experiences and follow the flow of what feels natural for your body in each moment, it will definitely take you to some exciting, unchartered territory.

7. Above all else, strive to be present.

Keep your eyes open and the lights on most of the time. Stay present together. There is nothing sexier than someone fully present in their body, someone so conscious they can feel even the most subtle orgasmic energy and let it fill their whole body completely.

If you’re totally stuck in your mind, you can’t feel connected to your lover, and you definitely can’t dissolve into ecstatic orgasmic bliss! To become more present, just focus on the breath and the physical sensations in the body. If your mind wanders away, gently bring it back again and again to the present moment. Embrace the sensory experience fully.

Oh, and don’t forget to enjoy the journey!

Do you have any juicy foreplay tips I’ve missed?
I’d love to hear them, feel free to tell me in the comments below.


Relephant Read: 

Body Orgasmic: 7 Ways to Great Sex


The One Thing We Need to Have a Healthy Relationship.




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Editor: Travis May

Photos:  Towe Gustavsson, used with permission.


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Bella Bliss

Bliss enthusiast, ecstatic adventurer, pleasure peddler and firm believer in the power of awakening our natural state of Bliss through embracing sexuality in a loving and conscious way. I love to support people to release limiting belief patterns, open their hearts wider and connect deeply with the essence of who they are. This happens in retreats, workshops, private bodywork sessions and online coaching, mostly through the framework of Tantra, Tantric bodywork and Somatic Sexology. I am wildly passionate about sharing Tantra as something tangible, accessible and applicable to daily life. I am inspired by truth, love, freedom, embodiment, laughter, relationships, spontaneity, conscious movement, dance, yoga, Dzogchen, Tantra and of course, Bliss. I am currently in the exciting process of moving home to Australia after 3 years living, learning, loving and teaching in Scandinavia. You can connect with me at my website and on Facebook.


36 Responses to “Most Women Fake Orgasms because Most Men Fake Foreplay.”

  1. Bill says:

    So if an article ran with a headline that says most men fake liking their wife's cooking because women won't learn to cook,women would be outraged at men's dishonesty and deception. Faking is lying. If women want men to be open and honest, women must be as well. It's simply called communication. Its time for women to put your big girl panties on and confront the issue. If he doesn't know how…teach him. Women's bodies and complex arousal systems are challenging to learn. Most men find them confounding. Give us a little direction and we can make it happen. It is my experience that one of the biggest obstacles to a woman having an orgasm is not being present and in the moment. It's almost like clockwork, as soon as my tongue hits her button, she throws her head back, closes her eyes and chases the orgasm. How about for once just staying with me, watching me and enjoying be being between your legs. Relax and I promise I will speed up the action to get your button buzzing.

    • bellablissful says:

      Hi Bill,
      I totally agree. The title is a joke which is a generalization of a larger issue in our culture today connected to sexuality. More openness, communication and vulnerability would help all relationships. I'm definitely not promoting faking orgasms! 🙂 Yes, there are lots of women coming to me, telling me they fake orgasm…. AND I also speak to a lot of women who are really goal-oriented, not present during sex, and just go for the quick clitoral release, creating lots of tension and contraction in the body and bearing down on the goal. So we all have lessons to learn!

    • Tyson says:

      Communication and honesty are immensely important to relationships. But it's BS to write this off as women's fault (only). Putting on our big girl panties and confronting the issue means possibly exposing yourself to sexist backlash. Sure, YOU might have conquered sexist attitudes that the culture has ingrained into you (though I seriously doubt it considering your analogy; what do women not like food as much as men or something?) but that doesn't mean your partner has. Because women aren't SUPPOSED to talk about sex. They're not SUPPOSED to even like sex, just "put up with it" for men. Men are SUPPOSED to want it all the time. They're SUPPOSED to not be able to help themselves (when it comes to sex, aka "women can't rape men").

      There are a whole host of should's and shouldn't's for men and women and ALL of them are either about sex or affect sex. The likelier issue with faking orgasms (than fear of backlash) is these women are being greatly affected by these stereotypes even when they don't consciously endorse them. Because stereotypes are just sneaky like that. It takes a lot of awareness to catch yourself in the middle of it and it never goes away.

  2. Liz says:

    Bill, I whole-heartedly agree with you. We, women, need to own our sexual desires, shed all the shameful preconceptions learned, and explore our bodies enough to help guide our men to the road of self-confident, blissful, deep pleasure and connection.

    At the same time, men need to embrace sexually empowered women and not shame, judge, and/or run away claiming intensity as the source of the desire to run away because of intimidation.

    • bellablissful says:

      Hi Liz,

      You are so right! Shame is so huge in our culture for both men and women. I really love Brene Brown's work on shame and vulnerability, reading her book 'Daring Greatly' now. It's revolutionizing my whole approach to this work.

  3. Tom says:

    You took this negatively as a man? Really? This article is just providing a different perspective on the matter. It sounds wonderful that the gal your in a relationship is having a good ride as it were, however not everyone is the same, and some people have psychological trauma from bad relationships, and sexual abuse. Don't take the article personal, it's not meant to be.

    • bellablissful says:

      Hey Tom,
      Thanks for sharing. Yes, it's amazing how many of us have heavy trauma from all kinds of past experiences.
      Here's to more awareness and acceptance for all!

    • Bill says:

      Not negatively as a man….Faking is simply nonconstructive behavior for anyone in an adult relationship wanting a transcendent and healthy sex life.

      Tom, I've kept this piece written by a woman to explain what I mean. She says:

      I am an advocate for sex, and all things sensual and intimate. This includes kissing, cuddling, foreplay, making out, making love, screwing, fucking, after play and everything else in-between. But not just sex; great sex: the kind that curls your toes, makes you clutch the sheets, scream until you're hoarse, leaves you cramped, dehydrated, thoughtless, breathless, not knowing where you are, who you are, speaking esperanto, throbbing with ache, and with a sex hangover that lasts for days. Maybe I'm spoiled, but that's what I've come to expect of my sex life, and I deem anything less than that, insufficient….

      My point was not to take offense to the article but to simply indicate that great sex cannot be achieved by faking it. It takes honesty, commitment, expectation and a desire to learn and achieve. This can happen only if women put their big girl panties on and require men to put their big boy boxer briefs on and get down to the business of creating great sex.

  4. Nick M says:

    surprise her with this (new or old) knowledge.
    women love a man that can take charge and lead her into blissful experiences like this.
    don't just try to please her.
    show her that pleasing yourself comes from a satisfaction in her excitement.
    like yoga, focusing on the now is all about feeling alive and embracing your body.
    It can indeed offer much more than just a quick fix.
    great article btw.

    • bellablissful says:

      Hi Nick…
      Thanks! So true…. quick fixes never work long term!

    • Aaron Andrews says:


      What if pleasing yourself DOESN'T come from a satisfaction in her excitement? I'm not saying to be selfish, but I shouldn't have to deny what turns me on in any sexual relationship. Sex is give and take, not some one-sided take, take, take.

      Personally, I love to please a woman. Yet in order for me to have a good orgasm I have needs that need — and deserve — to be met as well. If I'm going to spend some extraordinary effort, I expect her to put in some as well. Otherwise I'll find someone who does.

      Denying your needs is exactly what women have been taught for a long time — teaching today's men to do the same isn't going to work out any better. Don't be a doormat — it just shows a lack of character, confidence, and sense of self-worth

      • bellablissful says:

        Hi Aaron,
        I don't feel that the man gaining satisfaction from pleasuring a woman means that the man needs to deny his own needs or desires. Of course it's a two way street! We say in Tantra that the greatest happiness comes from making your lover truly happy. If both sides would do that, then everyone would be happy, no reason to think about what we need to GET, but just GIVE freely, then it all comes back to us anyway! 🙂

  5. Night says:

    This is for both men and women, if you want a fantastic orgasm then be connected with each other not off thinking of other things or thinking of what they can or can’t do for you. Talk to each other and tell each other what you like amd don’t and teach men how to pleasure you the way you want. Men don’t understand women’s bodies or their sexuality as other women do and they never will but at least we can take the effort to show them enough to make us happy and make them happy because they are pleasuring their woman. I’ve done this and I’ve had a blast let’s just put it that way. Communication is the key not faking it.

  6. jonyB says:

    Some men…. and their lingams are supersensitive to any hint of criticism, constructive or not. A suggested response from the goddess to the man: "….. ooooh that feels so good…. let me show/tell you how to make it even better" And men, don't forget to stimulate that aural clitoris in her ear…. with sounds and words aimed at her heart.

    • bellablissful says:

      Hey Jony,
      Great advice! Communication needs to be loving and gentle, not critical and snarky. Of course I don't want to lie and say something feels good when it really doesn't, but I find gently moving the hand somewhere else works, or making more appreciative sounds when it's something I really like.

  7. Auty says:

    The advice about not going for erogenous area first is important, grabbing at someones body when their heart isnt engaged makes them feel unsafe and that leads to feelings of guilt or anger afterwards.

  8. Lucy says:

    Everyone is different. I, personally, don't need a lot of foreplay, and I like it rough and ready, without a lot of baloney. My lovers all get blanket permission to fuck me whenever and wherever and however they want. I come like a freight train, the rougher it is, the better my orgasm. The real message is: talk to each other. If a lover did it like described in this article, I'd probably fall asleep before we got anywhere. Don't read articles about it. TALK. TO. EACH. OTHER.

    • bellablissful says:

      Hi Lucy,
      wow, sounds intense! If you're having mostly clitoral orgasms this way, then it makes sense, but if you have whole body orgasms or deeper genital orgasms from a really rough and ready approach with very little foreplay, then that is quite rare. I feel it's important to look at why we want rough sex. For some it's about feeling dominated, surrendering to their lover. However, some women tell me they can only get aroused through someone being physically violent with them, and while this is of course a personal choice to express sexuality in that way, there are often underlying reasons for it that could be dealt with. I encourage people not to get into rigid ideas about what they like and don't like, but to be open to try new things – like it says in the artlcle: be present, spontaneous, follow the flow. No baloney. And yes, talk to each other too. 🙂

      • Ev Meyer says:

        I know that often people with Aspergers prefer a strong rough touch. I hate the gentle feather touch, find it so irritating and a turn off…give me a firm massage anyday to turn me on

  9. jonyB says:

    Its been said many times, but lest you forget….. foreplay begins immediately after the last orgasm.

  10. Laylo says:

    Thank you, bellablissful…a beautifully written article. I have to remind myself of #4, but when I do, the release of emotions is almost surreal. Being "present" is a beautiful "present" to yourself.

  11. Rafal says:

    +1 Bill & Lucy… you two need to get together – haha. If everyone was the same then life would be boring, and love would not get the chance to improve us. Yes one common idea-space / story about orgasm is that 'Most Women Fake Orgasms because Most Men Fake Foreplay', although i have found it to be just as 'true' that "Most Women Rush Men's Orgasms To End Foreplay" – many of us need to get sloppy. What do we say about the tango? …………………………
    If you get tounge-tied, a great way to communicate is via body language and mirroring. If your partner is too fast for your pace, slow down his or her release by taking time too send that message. Whether slowing down or speeding up, let do it together, the actual together and not some imagined or remembered second cumin. As 'FRANKIE GOES TO HOLLYWOOD' says, relax and your happy ending will sort themselves out….. CAVEAT: acting what one knows as practice involves the effort of real learning, and in this case learning together (although masturbation can provide some simulated exercise). keep the peace. xo …………………………
    p.s. boys go watch google: 'Key & Peele: Cunnilingus Class'

  12. Sergical says:

    Ok firstly, I would like to state I have never found Meg’s scene very convincing, funny yes, but never sold it was an actual orgasm…

    Because when a true orgasm happens – hips jolt and lock – legs convulse and kick – mild if not extreme embarrassment kicks in and due to these vulnerable and uncontrollable actions the feeling is heightened, yet at the same time a conscious understanding that control is lost makes it uneasy for the one who is feeling ultimate bliss.

    an orgasm which emanates merely from the voice is never truly convincing in my mind, as a truly deep orgasm is much more that that.

    Having said that everyone is different and their embarrassed reactions when true orgasms are reached will vary, invariably so to speak.

    Furthermore, I usually only ever have the energy to explore and indulge a true orgasm during the honeymoon period and find myself getting bored or lack the energy to truly be connected once the spark has died out. Sad but true.

    Is this merely the biological extension men have been sold of wanting to spread the seed and thus seek new bodies and souls to explore and conquer, while women are wired to nest and expand the relationship with an extended journey and security???

    Honestly I’m not sure, but what I do know is that after 6 months I am never yearning for 30 minutes of forplay and prefer to seek a quicker release more often than not.

    That doesn’t mean I have fallen out of love or won’t go above and beyond form time to time, I just think it is a bit much to ask that every time u seek sexual interactions with your long term partner that it be a marathon of sensual love, touch and tantric methods. If someone tells me they the are having this sort of engagement all the time or they should, I would call them out for being truly blessed or a straight up charlatan.

    In conclusion miss bliss, I find your article like a model for Utopia, great in theory yet not based in reality, which is in all honesty sad but kinda true…

    I do however agree with many of he steps mentioned to improve the journey towards blissful engagement 🙂

    • bellablissful says:

      Hi Sergical,

      Thanks for your comments. Yes, I have been accused of living in a utopian fantasy world, I won't deny that. 😉
      However, reality is what we choose ourselves, and if we choose to have deeply fulfilling, ecstatic sexual experiences, then we can make that happen. If we choose to get lazy and go for the quick release, that's also a choice. It's all about priorities.

      I know what you mean about the Meg Ryan clip… The video addition was a kind of joke, of course it's an actress faking a fake orgasm!

      Have you read the book 'Sex at Dawn'? Also there is another one called 'What Women Want – Adventures in the science of female desire'. That might give some insight into the biological imperative you mention.

      The characteristics of orgasm you mentioned: "hips jolt and lock – legs convulse and kick" are actually characteristics of a generally clitoral (and therefore surface level) orgasm for women, and an ejaculation for men. Deeper orgasms don't have that feeling of contraction and convulsion, but more a blissful expansion of energy through the whole body, with no embarrassment afterwards. Actually I don't know the embarrassing feeling you mention either, interesting! Maybe that happens when we don't feel so connected to our partner, feeling uncomfortable or unsafe expressing ourselves.

      My personal opinion (but also proven scientifically) is that when men ejaculate frequently it makes them less interested in their current partner and more interested to keep looking, a 'next, please!' kind of mentality.

      I appreciate your sharing!


  13. Dane says:

    Lucy is right, communications is the key. Even with the same person what sets them off one time will not work the next, and without the communications and patients to work through each time someone will be disappointed.

    Serigal, I feel sorry for you. The 'energy' is the same energy you bring to any relationship. It's imperative that you bring that energy and desire to the relationship if it's going to thrive. My wife and I dedicate an entire month a year for that simple purpose, so that we will never forget that our relationship is the most important thing out there. Then we carry that energy through the rest of the year, and if we have to have mini reminders…a week off by ourselves or so…we make it happen. If we don't keep our relationship strong, the rest of our life drops in quality too. And when the relationship is strong, 30 minutes in foreplay is nothing!!

    I'll also say those non-ejaculatory body orgasms she mentioned are absolutely mind blowing! They too take a lot of foreplay and work, but OMG the first time that happened to me I had no idea what just hit me, but I knew that it was something I was ready for again!

    • bellablissful says:

      Hi Dane! Thanks for sharing… so true! I love your ritual of prioritising the relationship, so few people do that these days. And YES, whole body non-ejaculatory orgasms for men are amazing… or so it seems to me from the outside at least! Keep enjoying them… 🙂

  14. Adriana says:

    I love all of these comments. I mostly love that we can be open about something that had been presented to me as shame when I was a teenager. I'm 55 and only about 5 years ago I learned about this type of orgasm through my own exploration. I fake orgasms because I'm afraid my partner will become bored when it takes me so long to climax. When I do, it's crazy, out of this world, ummm full body climax. So worth the time and learning to achieve. I love sex now and can't get enough of it. My body needs and craves connected intimacy and it is euphoric and blissful connecting outcome. I'm grateful for the the tutelage, bellabliss. Love this site.

  15. Soleil says:

    I would just like to bring up another thing men can do to support women not faking. In my first sexual relationship I started faking organisms because my partner would get really bummed out if he didn’t make me cum and it was really upsetting and stressful for me. I was enjoying the sex so I didn’t understand why there was an issue if I came or not and worrying about it only made it harder to cum. And most of the time I had amazing organisms with him, to this day he is one of the best lovers I’ve ever had.

    Since then I have shaken the habit of the fake O and have continued to open sexually and communicate more, but I have been told by other men that it is a lot of work to make me cum. So my take home message here to men and women with femal partners is do your best not to shame them if they expirience organisms differently than other girls you’ve dated. I know it can be upsetting when you’re trying and just can’t seem to get her their, but all women are different. Though it can take me a long time to get there I often have really powerful organisms when I do and I want to be supported in my expirience. It sucks when a guy takes me not cuming personally. Trust and open comunication are fostered by support and validation.

  16. PCD says:

    All of these things apply to men as well as women. Most people think men are simple creatures when it comes to sex. Sure, it's easy to make a man ejaculate. But men can ejaculate even when being raped. Having one or more truly intense and satisfying orgasms requires much more than basic physical stimulation. I think most men (and many of their partners) are goal oriented as well, either trying to ejaculate as quick as possible or trying not to ejaculate in order to keep pleasing their lover. In either case, concentrating on the ejaculation makes them miss out of the orgasms.

  17. Ouchie says:

    I used to feel guilty because I thought I was faking orgasms. I enjoyed sex immensely, but sometimes I didn’t have the contractions that were the only orgasms I knew of. Yet, I wound up satisfied, having moments of incredible bliss, where I’d get goosebumps and I’d feel this wave of happy energy run through me. But without the contractions, was I “faking it”? No! As long as I enjoyed the sex and came out of it satisfied, I wasn’t. That was quite the relief when I realized that there is more than one type of orgasm. It freed me.

    • sara says:

      i think there is some validity to the 'fake it til you make it' advice when the intention is there to be part of the experience and not just get it over with. you can make yourself excited, just like you can make yourself depressed.

      check out the sheri wintson you tube video where she demonstrates achieving orgasm through breath only, and only 3 breaths at that!

      at, search on:
      sheri winston three breath orgasm

      "Sheri Winston is an award-winning author, medical professional, and one of the United States' leading sex teachers. Her 2010 book, Women's Anatomy of Arousal: Secret Maps to Buried Pleasure, won the 2010 Book of the Year award from AASECT (the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists)."

  18. Emma says:

    This might be the best article on Elephant Journal ever. Thank you!

    Been recommended a book called 'Women's Anatomy of Arousal' written by a nurse midwife that describes each of the 50 types of orgasms and has nifty exercises 😀

  19. This is a first-class write-up and a must-read for all couples!

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