I love the deep mystery of relationships, and exploring the complexities of how eroticism, passion and love unfold and develop between two people.
But there is also a time to embrace the absolute simplicity and ease of bringing pleasure to our relationships especially when it can be so simple to make your partner feel amazing.
All it takes is your attention and imagination.
And while the following three tips are written from a female perspective about what men can do, these strategies apply to women as well.
Take them, adapt them and use them to make your man feel just as appreciated.
1. Compliment your partner the right way.
Perhaps I’m completely embracing my approval-seeking, attention-loving, romance-desiring self right now.
But I enjoy compliments from my guy. I revel in his attention, because it makes me feel like he wants me. And feeling wanted by him turns me on and connects me with him.
But there is a way to give a real compliment.
It is not empty praise.
Instead, it is focused on something we truly appreciate about another person.
The best way to compliment is not too often, and not too little. Too often, and the compliments lose meaning. Too little and we experience a desert, waiting for our partner to express appreciation.
And more importantly, a real compliment does not diminish anyone else in the process.
Remember that commercial where the two friends check out a gorgeous woman, and scanning her up and down for some flaw, they settle on, “thick ankles?”
This is a mean-spirited and damaging way of trying to heighten ourselves through putting down another because we are experiencing insecurity and jealousy.
And please, I don’t care how spiritual we are, let’s admit that the weirdest things can trigger moments of,
“I don’t look like that. Shit. I do not look like that.”
Sometimes, our partner notices this jealousy and he will try to compensate for it by flattery that is intended to make us feel good but belittles another. On the surface this may appear to be a compliment, but it doesn’t sit right with us at a deep level.
Like the hot fitness instructor who’s 10 years younger than you, and whose ass seems to just rise up to meet her shoulder blades. She’s Amazonian, Romanesque and burlesque all in one. And when she walks by, you and your guy both can’t help but notice her awesomeness.
He notices what you try to hide quickly. Your own insecurity.
And he may try to dull it for you by saying something trite like,
“You’re way hotter than that.”
Or he can appreciate beauty, and then turn to you and say,
“Now that’s the kind of ass you have.”
Bam. Did he nail it or what?
Because who cares if it’s my ass or not (it isn’t, and wasn’t, not even when I was 18), but in his mind I’m just right, and my ass is perfect in its fullness and curviness.
He didn’t buy into my insecurity, but he helped me feel totally amazing by cleverly and intuitively taking an awkward moment and dishing me up a perfect compliment while also praising her.
Accepted. And thank you.
2. Step up behind her, wrap your arms around her and nuzzle her neck.
Moving from the verbal to the physical, here’s another simple way to make her feel amazing, (and also add some spice to your day).
You know the feeling that someone’s got your back?
Holding your partner this way tells her you’ve got hers. For many women this is comforting, secure and safe, and in that container we are more open to expressing our intimate selves.
But sometimes safety, without it’s sister, wildness, can get a little dull.
So, add a little heat and give her neck some nuzzles and kisses, or something a little rougher if she likes that. Then squeeze your arms just a bit tighter and give her a firm pull in towards you. And hold her there.
In this safe but slightly uncomfortable confinement, we experience a moment that allows our instincts to arise.
Do we struggle out of this or submit to it? This is where excitement and eroticism simmers.
Simple. And hot.
3. Set a mood for intimacy.
If we want our partners, and ourselves, to feel amazing in our relationships, and have intimacy and passion, we have to set the mood.
Mood comes first from the mind, and then from the action that follows.
Here’s a little sample of what setting a mood can look like, say, on a weekend when you have cleared a day and don’t have five appointments waiting for you.
First, take a bit of time for yourself to rejuvenate. Honour the space between you as a couple. Do something you really enjoy, alone.
And in some of those moments, focus on a few things you really love and appreciate about your partner.
It can be anything.
Practical, erotic, intelligent, silly.
The way he leaves a folded towel on the counter for you to use when you get out of the shower. The love note she tucks into your car for you to find on your way to work. Remembering how you like to watch her bend over and slip on her underwear when she gets dressed. The smell and taste of him when you’re the one nuzzling his neck.
It is this kind of mindful appreciation that sets the stage for intimacy.
Now go home, light candles around the house and turn off the lights. Set the table and have some food ready for you to cook together. Put on a sexy make-out playlist you both love and then get yourself ready.
Shower, shave, smell good, and dress up for her.
I remember coming home to a candle-lit house one evening when my guy greeted me at the door, fresh out of the shower, clad only in jeans.
See? Clothing is over-rated.
Not saying a word, he pulled off my coat and hung it up for me, and then, placing his hand firmly around the back of my neck, pulled me towards him and planted one firm, “I want you right now,” kind of kiss on my mouth.
Yup. That does it.
Embrace the simplicity of being mindful and attentive, and let yourselves experience a little amazing.
Author: Carla Poertner
Apprentice Editor: Brandie Smith/Editor: Renee Picard