I remember clearly the first time my body was heading towards orgasm.
Being still young, I had no idea what was happening, and despite my perfectly adequate sex education, I was quite unprepared for the feeling.
How does one explain to another what having an orgasm physically feels like?
In reality, I panicked (terrified that I was about to wet myself), and ran to the bathroom. What made it even worse was catching a bus the next day, where two boys on the back seat were talking about a girl who actually had wet herself during sex.
Oh universe, you cheeky thing.
It wasn’t until years later, when I’d had some practice, that I understood what had been happening that day.
I had been about to reach the heavens.
Why do so many people fail right at the moment they are about to reach their highest peaks?
More specifically, why do I?
Why, when I am gathering glorious momentum, do my feelings swing toward panic and despondency; my mind screaming “ruuuuun”? Often when I should be stepping forward to claim my victories, I can only peek at the scene between my frightened, little girl fingers.
Launching my first book was just like this. Mirroring that first innocent foray into orgasmic bliss, I subconsciously felt I was about to make a big mistake and do something completely shameful and embarrassing. But the truth is, in both cases, it was an offer from the world to open to something truly beautiful and honest, and real.
I see a pattern, and I see the reasons.
1. Both are Utterly, Deliciously Indescribable.
As deeply in love with words as I am, there are some things they simply cannot touch. There are times in life where only self-experience can cut the mustard.
It’s a simple truth that few words exist to describe the multi-layered glory of orgasm; equally there are so few to describe the feeling of success. When you’ve worked, striven, reached out for something you truly desire, and then you get it—it can be shocking and surprising.
You can totally be told what an orgasm is, the science of it, all the myriad ways to get there. People can share their tips for how they themselves achieve it. But they can never, ever explain what it really feels like when it happens to you.
Ohhhhh. Oxytocin. Also known as the “cuddle hormone” (or, in my mind, Valhalla) oxytocin is a key hormone released during orgasm. Paul Zak, a pioneer in the field of neuroeconomics, puts forward in his very interesting TED talk that oxytocin is directly related to the wealth, health and success of entire nations.
As I see it, this is classic chicken and egg. The more oxytocin being produced (orgasm!) the more success that follows. The more successful we are, the more oxytocin we consistently produce. This gives us all an increased ability to lift our entire communities.
Orgasm = a community service. There.
3. Prep and Practice Make Perfect
The ego (our protector), regards anything unfamiliar with caution and distrust. Our innate negativity bias stopped our ancestors getting eaten by tigers and such, but our modern lack of suburban tigers means it can hang onto other things that aren’t so helpful. And for some of us, stepping out into our brightest light can be the most unfamiliar thing of all.
Unless you are the embodiment of Aphrodite herself, as a woman it would be pretty unusual to reach climax on your first time. Ladies, #amiright? It takes time and nurturing and practice and courage. And often, an understanding partner and great support network.
I can find no difference between this and the process of reaching goals. In both cases, we must awkwardly bump up against the boundaries of what we are comfortable with and capable of, edging ever forward; sometimes in tiny increments, before we really go there and let go. Surrender is such a paradox. Once we’ve done it we wonder why we didn’t do it earlier.
But that is the magic, the buildup, the tension. Like the delicious, zingy tingles we get when waiting for a lover, the anticipation of success can permeate every nerve and cell and make us giddy with desire.
If we don’t run, if we embrace, if we consciously, deeply want and move towards it—it is every bit as thrilling and satisfying as a great orgasm.
We must practice succeeding so we know what it feels like.
We must open slowly, in curious increments, to the power and passion that is attaining our wildest desires.
We must be prepared to be unprepared for all of the glory that awaits us on the other side of our dedication and hard work.
And we must always be willing to entertain the idea that, however foreign the feeling may seem, what is about to happen to us is truly beautiful.
With this knowledge, I make this pact:
I will embrace my success as I would an orgasm. I will consciously step toward it in vulnerability, and allow my resistance to the strangeness of it to fall away. I will gently and consciously release my shame of being seen. I will love, and let people love me. I will reach my arms up and out, rather than gathering them to my chest where they are comfortable and safe. I will carefully select only those companions who can hold me gently in that space. I will consciously expect the best.
And, breathing into the energy of newness, let stars explode in my eyes.
Love elephant and want to go steady?
Author: Crystal Davis
Editor: Renee Picard
Photo: via the author