Real intimacy can be a problem for some men with their significant others in a holistically physical way.
Men are often taught to be “tough,” to endure pain, to think of their bodies as machines and to do otherwise is “weakness.” Conversely, they may see the body of another in a mental way; not a living, breathing human who has a spirit, a mind, and a will to explore and share.
While a man may be willing, if he is unused to being open and vulnerable, it can be embarrassing, and not an avenue for mindful exploration and soulful sharing of the joy that is the human body.
A great way to build intimacy can be something as simple as taking a shower together. While that’s certainly not a novel exercise, how a couple approaches it can enhance the experience significantly.
Water in many indigenous cultures is considered a sacred, living thing. It is seen as life itself. Where water falls, life appears; the absence of water brings death. When seen as a life-giving energy, and an element that cleanses not just the body, but in spirit, sharing water in a whole-body way can bring a level of sacred intimacy encompassing mind, body and soul that transcends rational understanding.
Think of the water not as a substance that washes off soap, but a gift of Creator that:
— Gives life
— Raises your vibration rate
— Infuses whatever it touches with life
— Cleanses on a deep-soul level
— Blesses the same as a baptism
— Refreshes like rain in a desert
Then, combine the blessing of water with the caressing of hands, face, torso—all parts of the body. One could spend time washing feet, as kisses; stroking hair as tingling massage; creating physical jokes, like “soap on a rope” in pulling the male member, or tickling the inner thigh with soapy fingernails. Consider oral stimulation, as well; after all, even for those who might normally be too shy to consider such love making, it’s all “clean,” right?
Consider it a whole-body blessing of two bodies in communion with life itself in the vibrant cleansing of water.
Here are some other exercises from my book, Redefining Manhood: A Guide for Men and Those Who Love Them (Findhorn Press, 2015):
Share Energy: After you have taken a shower together, go to a quiet spot where you will not be interrupted or distracted. If in an urban area, you may consider putting on a CD or iTunes of “white noise” to block outside noise such as traffic, sirens and the like. Set aside 10 minutes, no more. If you are totally present, you will find that intimate contact can stretch time, allowing a depth you have perhaps not noticed before. Time will mean nothing.
Remain naked and sit facing each other with the other’s feet in your lap. Open your awareness so that you truly see the whole person who is there before you. Look into each other’s eyes, and allow yourself to let down your defenses. Be open. Look for the beauty in the other person, the “true face.” Allow this openness to strengthen the connection between you, the bond that you share as human beings. Do not force energy at the other person, or project energy. Simply remain open, allowing your feelings to come forward.
You may find it difficult to “open up.” You may find that your face wants to keep a guarded countenance, or your partner may find this and maintain a mask that does not reveal their true face. Don’t force it if openness doesn’t happen after a few minutes. If that happens, call a timeout. Discuss your feelings. What is coming up? What is preventing openness. Don’t allow blame to shut either of you down. Seek understanding, so that you can repeat the exercise another time, with happiness and understanding.
The purposes of the exercise is to share who you are with another and feel the energy of the other in a good way. If there are barriers to openness, discuss what they are and how, or if, you wish to resolve them. If you do find openness, and sharing, without barriers, enjoy the moment. Repeat from time to time to keep your connection alive.
After you are through, clear yourself energetically by either using sage or a wand or simply brushing energetic debris off each other, using Reiki or a feather. Set the intent: Thank you, Creator, for removing all footprints and debris from me and _________________ (the name of the other) and returning it where it belongs. Thank you for transmuting all negativity into healing love and light.
Meditate on the Yoni: If you have an intimate female partner, a wonderful source of discovery and growth can be found at your fingertips, so to speak.
In history, the yoni, or orifice of the female, has been venerated as the source of life. In depictions around the world, the vagina is seen as a great force for life giving and a symbol of the Creator. Only in the patriarchal view has the female sex organ been derided and degraded as in any way negative. The word “taboo” itself means “sacred,” but the menstrual period deemed taboo by many cultures has been twisted to mean “unclean.”
In fact, in traditional Native society, women in their “moon time,” or menstrual period, were considered closer to the Creator than men, and imbued with special powers to divine secrets and foresee the future. This view of women as having great medicine and wisdom was prevalent throughout the world prior to the Romans. Men in today’s culture have a number of slang terms that are hateful about the appearance, shape and utility of the vagina, but it is a remarkable piece of natural art that also holds subliminal messages and ancient associations that are encoded in the DNA.
If your partner is willing, set aside a quiet time and space for intimacy, but of a different sort than may be routine. Perform the cleansing shower and then repair while naked to a private place, perhaps with quiet music, and have your partner lie on her back with her knees up and legs spread, draped from the waist down. This creates a “tent” of private space. Set aside 10 minutes, with your partner keeping the time.
Enter that tent, and simply observe the yoni. Do not touch. Simply place your attention on the vagina, and keep your mind clear of thoughts. The purpose of the tent is so that you will not be distracted by your partner’s face or expressions. In this moment of quiet, once all the mental chatter has dissipated, you will find yourself drawn into a silent dialogue. The physical yoni will cease to be the object of your projections of sexuality or remembered notions of prejudice or preconceived ideas, and in the quiet, the shapes and reality of the sex organ will begin to draw out subtle and profound insights that may at first be wordless.
After the session, and in coming hours, days and weeks, the lessons of simply observing and finding a meditation spot with this great symbol of life will continue to arise in your consciousness. Repeat the exercise as needed, and when both partners are amenable to it, and share the joy. Express your lessons to your partner, and switch, so that this time you are in the tent while she is observing your manhood.
The dialogue that can ensue can be quite revealing—not only about wrong perceptions, preconceived notions, and cultural upbringing but about new lessons and insights arising from the universal mind. All sacred spots offer the opportunity for people to enter all-time, no-time, or that space in prayer, visioning, and shamanic journey when the clock stops and time becomes a deep well of insight; you may be pleasantly surprised by the depth of knowledge obtained.
Drum As One: You will need a hand-held drum, such as a Remo 18-inch Buffalo drum or similar instrument, often used for shamanic journeying. Set aside 30 minutes for this exercise.
If you have an intimate female partner, a great way to get “in sync” is to drum together, as one heart beating. Perform the cleansing shower and then repair while naked to a private place, perhaps with quiet music, as in the previous exercises.
This time, though, first repeat the face-to-face exercise to remove masks and create openness, then once that 10-minute session is complete, have your partner sit in your lap facing outward. You will be sitting up and “spooning” with her back and shoulders at your chest, your face over her shoulder, and her buttocks on your lap, or on the floor if that is more comfortable, with your genitals touching her back.
In this posture, reach around her and pick up the drum. Rub the skin of the drum in a clockwise, circular motion to warm it, then begin gently drumming. Vary the cadence until you feel that your hearts are in sync. Move the drum slowly up and down and notice how the timbre, or pitch, of the drum varies as it passes over the chakra points.
If you were doing this alone, it would be considered an exercise of chakra balancing, but since you are together, it will help put you in sync with the earth’s great heart energy, and with each other, as well as balance the chakras. Clear your mind of all chatter, and feel the wash of energy rise through out and out your crown chakra; feel the energy in your body become harmonious and the rush of energy that radiates out from you as a couple through time and space.
After you begin to feel the effects waning, perhaps your arms become tired from holding the drum or drumming, gently bring the drumming to a stop. Share your thoughts feelings, impressions and visions with your partner. Some couples find that this can create a type of energetic orgasm that radiates from both bodies and, once this ritual has been done, they can “connect” in thought, dream, and journey, even if separate by many miles, unless the energetic cords thus created are intentionally severed.
These are by no means definitive avenues to try for greater mind, body, soul intimacy. They are suggestions, a few ways to begin to build intimacy. Consider them a way of giving yourself, and your significant other, “permission” to explore the great adventure of love in this wonder-filled physical world.
Creator gave us our bodies, let’s enjoy them!